"28th February 2016"
This is the topic that I wanted to write for a long time, it's about suicide, either commit suicide or suicidal thought. It seems as the easiest way or the most preferred way for bipolar people to runaway from all these mess.
I've never tried to commit suicide but I do have suicidal thought from time to time. During the moment that I was suffering either critical highs or lows or mixed state, I hoped my life would be taken away at the glimpse of my eyes. The long lasting painful feelings, the never ending numbness of the brain, the incurable hopeless soul, and the unexplainable inner thought. It was like no one could really give a hand. The phobia of rejection screamed till voiceless.
Family members, relatives and friends are willing to help. There are always there and I just have to voice up. However, no one can understand. I explained so hard and they were trying all their best to understand. It was a failure, a great failure, maybe a never successful task. They questioned, so many questions. They suggested, so many suggestions. They advised, so many advice. No, I did not want any of these. How could I answer the questions when my mood was in chaos? How could I accept your suggestions when you did not understand my pain? How could I listen to your advice when my brain were feeling numb?
Just be with me for a while, okay? Spend a short moment to listen some songs with me. Maybe walking together around and say nothing. Who are willing to do this for you? You yourself. The illness is not you, it's never a part of you. You accept yourself but never the illness. We stand bold and fight till the end, never surrender to the illness. I accept the one who is in pain, the one who is under attacked by the illness. When the feeling was too much, I disconnected from the outside world and focused to the inner one who was greatly injured. I talked to myself, "Max, be strong and you can make it!"
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Saturday, February 27, 2016
《二零一六年二月二十七日》
原本打算在这星期二写部落格，可是却拖到了今天才写。由于知道某个朋友自杀不遂而暂时住进了医院，所以本来想写关于自杀的课题。我所知道的就是，精神病患的自杀率非常高，根据专家的数据，四个躁郁症病患者，就有三个曾有自杀的经历。
在这星期一，原本打算送过年饼给钢琴老师，随便跟她见见面，因为已经有很长的时间没见到她。钢琴老师搬了家，我没有她新家的地址。日期是她定的，觉得奇怪为何她一直没有把新家的地址发给我。后来她对我说，她有许多学生要应付考试，所以那天她会很忙，没有时间见我。她说得如此委婉，直接的意思就是：“我不想见你。” 十二岁开始跟她钢琴，当中换了两个老师，但是后来又找回她，跟她学了很多年的钢琴。记得她曾说，她很喜欢教我这个学生，因为可以很迅速领悟她所要教导的一切。大约两年前，精神崩溃时对她说了很多奇怪的话，模糊记得当时她很生气，而后来不久后，我就住进了精神病院。
这个事件又继续牵扯到之前的另一个事件。二零一二年九月，当时在英国的诺丁汉，才出院几个月，干妈突然决定跟我脱离关系。记得当时很无助，不断找任何人聊天，希望可以得到帮助。当时家人的压力都很大，姐姐也曾想不要我这弟弟了。很害怕姐姐真的不要我了，所以找干妈的协助，希望她能说服姐姐不要有这样的念头。结果是，姐姐还是我的姐姐，但是干妈却决定永远都不要见我，嘱咐我千万不要去找她，也不要再继续打扰她。后来断断续续，有尝试跟她联络，希望可以修复这段破裂的关系。可惜她非常坚决，无论我怎么说，她依然决定对我不理不睬。
她们都没有错，我没有怪她们，也不会生气她们。如果有一天见到她们，她们肯忘了那段不愉快的事件，我一定会紧紧地拥抱她们。过去的事情无法更改，要遗憾很难，唯有选择原谅。原谅了他人，也选择原谅自己。
原本打算在这星期二写部落格，可是却拖到了今天才写。由于知道某个朋友自杀不遂而暂时住进了医院，所以本来想写关于自杀的课题。我所知道的就是，精神病患的自杀率非常高，根据专家的数据，四个躁郁症病患者，就有三个曾有自杀的经历。
在这星期一，原本打算送过年饼给钢琴老师，随便跟她见见面，因为已经有很长的时间没见到她。钢琴老师搬了家，我没有她新家的地址。日期是她定的，觉得奇怪为何她一直没有把新家的地址发给我。后来她对我说，她有许多学生要应付考试，所以那天她会很忙，没有时间见我。她说得如此委婉，直接的意思就是：“我不想见你。” 十二岁开始跟她钢琴，当中换了两个老师，但是后来又找回她，跟她学了很多年的钢琴。记得她曾说，她很喜欢教我这个学生，因为可以很迅速领悟她所要教导的一切。大约两年前，精神崩溃时对她说了很多奇怪的话，模糊记得当时她很生气，而后来不久后，我就住进了精神病院。
这个事件又继续牵扯到之前的另一个事件。二零一二年九月，当时在英国的诺丁汉，才出院几个月，干妈突然决定跟我脱离关系。记得当时很无助，不断找任何人聊天，希望可以得到帮助。当时家人的压力都很大，姐姐也曾想不要我这弟弟了。很害怕姐姐真的不要我了，所以找干妈的协助，希望她能说服姐姐不要有这样的念头。结果是，姐姐还是我的姐姐，但是干妈却决定永远都不要见我，嘱咐我千万不要去找她，也不要再继续打扰她。后来断断续续，有尝试跟她联络，希望可以修复这段破裂的关系。可惜她非常坚决，无论我怎么说，她依然决定对我不理不睬。
她们都没有错，我没有怪她们，也不会生气她们。如果有一天见到她们，她们肯忘了那段不愉快的事件，我一定会紧紧地拥抱她们。过去的事情无法更改，要遗憾很难，唯有选择原谅。原谅了他人，也选择原谅自己。
Thursday, February 18, 2016
"18th February 2016"
There were times that tears rolling in my eyes and felt so lost, times when I couldn't speak a word but sighing, times when I needed a hug or someone who would pat my shoulder. It's true that everyone does experience some sort of emotional moments, ups and downs from time to time. What is the main difference between us and other people? Our feeling is too much, every type of feeling will be amplified through our senses.
Frankly speaking, this so called 'ability' is awfully hurt. I could remember the first time I went to Nottingham, and I always had the chance to have meals with a group of friends, about 12 or more people. Almost every time after each meal, I would feel exhausted till I had to paralyse in my bed. At the beginning, I had no idea at all what was happening to me until a friend told me that she noticed I would be like this after having a meal with a big group of friends. Then I realised it was true because I was absorbing the feelings from all my friends, trying my best to take care of each of them so that no one would be left out. When someone was feeling down and quiet, then I would think about a topic about the friend and cheer him or her up at once. Hence, after several hours, I would be desperately exhausted.
How to minimise the feeling? How to be with a big group of friends and won't feel exhausted after a long time? After years of trying, the feeling can never be minimised but can view it from a different perspective. The feeling is like the wave of a sea, so I choose to surf upon the wave not being drowned underneath it. And then, no need to absorb all the feelings from everyone but focus on one or two friends only. If feeling depressed, then try to avoid sitting around negative thinking friends but stay close with some cheerful friends. Sometimes, when heart starts to ache and feel like crying, then immediately leave the place and walk to somewhere else. After a while, wait until the mood is under control, then only return to be around with people.
It's always easy to escape and isolate ourselves from the people. We tend to choose this path of isolation. The fact is, the more you stay in your own world, the more you don't have to courage to meet people. A problem can never be solved if you avoid to face it. As a result, always choose to face your problem. I still do not have an ideal solution for my problem but I have decided to face it boldly.
There were times that tears rolling in my eyes and felt so lost, times when I couldn't speak a word but sighing, times when I needed a hug or someone who would pat my shoulder. It's true that everyone does experience some sort of emotional moments, ups and downs from time to time. What is the main difference between us and other people? Our feeling is too much, every type of feeling will be amplified through our senses.
Frankly speaking, this so called 'ability' is awfully hurt. I could remember the first time I went to Nottingham, and I always had the chance to have meals with a group of friends, about 12 or more people. Almost every time after each meal, I would feel exhausted till I had to paralyse in my bed. At the beginning, I had no idea at all what was happening to me until a friend told me that she noticed I would be like this after having a meal with a big group of friends. Then I realised it was true because I was absorbing the feelings from all my friends, trying my best to take care of each of them so that no one would be left out. When someone was feeling down and quiet, then I would think about a topic about the friend and cheer him or her up at once. Hence, after several hours, I would be desperately exhausted.
How to minimise the feeling? How to be with a big group of friends and won't feel exhausted after a long time? After years of trying, the feeling can never be minimised but can view it from a different perspective. The feeling is like the wave of a sea, so I choose to surf upon the wave not being drowned underneath it. And then, no need to absorb all the feelings from everyone but focus on one or two friends only. If feeling depressed, then try to avoid sitting around negative thinking friends but stay close with some cheerful friends. Sometimes, when heart starts to ache and feel like crying, then immediately leave the place and walk to somewhere else. After a while, wait until the mood is under control, then only return to be around with people.
It's always easy to escape and isolate ourselves from the people. We tend to choose this path of isolation. The fact is, the more you stay in your own world, the more you don't have to courage to meet people. A problem can never be solved if you avoid to face it. As a result, always choose to face your problem. I still do not have an ideal solution for my problem but I have decided to face it boldly.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
《二零一六年二月十六日》
二十四岁，是人生中一个分水岭。所有在二十四岁以前的人生观，一旦跨越了二十四岁，立即产生了极大的转变。二十四岁那年，因为第一场的精神崩溃，开始了与他人不一样的人生旅程。一般人所关注的课题，在我身上，好像都不重要了。当时执着于还原，想要恢复到从前模样。
非常坚持这样，甚至还大胆不服药许多年，同时也吃尽不少苦头，因为情绪猛烈地起伏是很痛苦的。这痛苦仿佛无数只红蚂蚁在咬噬着我的心，脑袋会发麻，并全然虚弱无力。若意志力稍微薄弱些，真的很想一直瘫痪在床上。由于规律的生活方式，某些事没有完成会觉得不甘心，就这样度过了很长的时间。目前乖乖服药，虽然有时候还是会觉得不舒服，不过比起没服药，那痛苦减少了许多。
经过了这些事后，思想又开始转变，因为领悟了自己无法恢复之前的模样。那段没服药的日子，一旦情绪云霄飞车般转变就会立刻把自己与外界隔离，所以很多时候都处在封闭的世界里。只有在正常期间才出现在人群里，如果觉得不对劲就马上撤离，所以那段期间几乎没有朋友。自卑感在那时到达了巅峰，甚至会认为自己不配成为人，在众人眼里只是只怪物。
情绪因药物成功控制后，才可以放心跟众人交往，不用担心言语行为因极端的情绪而显得怪异失常。由于需要长期服药，所以不能饮用含有酒精的饮料，至于咖啡则能免则免。足够的睡眠和固定的睡眠时间很重要，一旦被咖啡影响了睡眠，第二天就会感到莫名浮躁。参加亲友的婚宴，都坚持滴酒不沾。在朋友们的催促之下，会告诉他们，医生不允许我喝酒。有时会受到他人的嘲笑，说我喝酒后就会乱来。以前很喜欢喝酒，但因为这疾病而戒了酒。
事实是，这疾病真的把我整个人反转过来，无论在思想、言语、行为、性格和喜好，都因为它产生了很大的改变。目前正学习重新融入人群里，去细心观察和聆听周围的人。那封闭期很长，所以常常会想要逃往，把自己躲藏起来。需要学会刚强壮胆，不要惧怕。感觉失败了，休息一会儿后，再继续出去闯一闯，只因心中那带着希望的微弱小火不曾熄灭。
二十四岁，是人生中一个分水岭。所有在二十四岁以前的人生观，一旦跨越了二十四岁，立即产生了极大的转变。二十四岁那年，因为第一场的精神崩溃，开始了与他人不一样的人生旅程。一般人所关注的课题，在我身上，好像都不重要了。当时执着于还原，想要恢复到从前模样。
非常坚持这样，甚至还大胆不服药许多年，同时也吃尽不少苦头，因为情绪猛烈地起伏是很痛苦的。这痛苦仿佛无数只红蚂蚁在咬噬着我的心，脑袋会发麻，并全然虚弱无力。若意志力稍微薄弱些，真的很想一直瘫痪在床上。由于规律的生活方式，某些事没有完成会觉得不甘心，就这样度过了很长的时间。目前乖乖服药，虽然有时候还是会觉得不舒服，不过比起没服药，那痛苦减少了许多。
经过了这些事后，思想又开始转变，因为领悟了自己无法恢复之前的模样。那段没服药的日子，一旦情绪云霄飞车般转变就会立刻把自己与外界隔离，所以很多时候都处在封闭的世界里。只有在正常期间才出现在人群里，如果觉得不对劲就马上撤离，所以那段期间几乎没有朋友。自卑感在那时到达了巅峰，甚至会认为自己不配成为人，在众人眼里只是只怪物。
情绪因药物成功控制后，才可以放心跟众人交往，不用担心言语行为因极端的情绪而显得怪异失常。由于需要长期服药，所以不能饮用含有酒精的饮料，至于咖啡则能免则免。足够的睡眠和固定的睡眠时间很重要，一旦被咖啡影响了睡眠，第二天就会感到莫名浮躁。参加亲友的婚宴，都坚持滴酒不沾。在朋友们的催促之下，会告诉他们，医生不允许我喝酒。有时会受到他人的嘲笑，说我喝酒后就会乱来。以前很喜欢喝酒，但因为这疾病而戒了酒。
事实是，这疾病真的把我整个人反转过来，无论在思想、言语、行为、性格和喜好，都因为它产生了很大的改变。目前正学习重新融入人群里，去细心观察和聆听周围的人。那封闭期很长，所以常常会想要逃往，把自己躲藏起来。需要学会刚强壮胆，不要惧怕。感觉失败了，休息一会儿后，再继续出去闯一闯，只因心中那带着希望的微弱小火不曾熄灭。
Sunday, February 14, 2016
"14th February 2016"
Today is Valentine's Day, the day of love and passion. This is the day I dislike a lot since 20 years old. Generally, people would think that this is the day for lovers, the day to show their loves to their partner.
Love relationship is a tough topic. This is really my weakest point. I long to have a lifelong partner and I have tried for numerous times but the only result I've got was failure. According to a research, people who have bipolar, their marriage success rate is very low. Of course, there are plenty of successful couples. However, there are more unsuccessful couples.
Bipolar does add some troubles into a love relationship. This is a solid fact. Most often, this is beyond our ability to control the whole situation. Love is not logic at all, and this has severely cracked my mind.
Whatsoever, love is patience and love is kind. It can shape us to be a better person. Never lose heart to have the courage to love someone because love is always a beautiful thing.
Today is Valentine's Day, the day of love and passion. This is the day I dislike a lot since 20 years old. Generally, people would think that this is the day for lovers, the day to show their loves to their partner.
Love relationship is a tough topic. This is really my weakest point. I long to have a lifelong partner and I have tried for numerous times but the only result I've got was failure. According to a research, people who have bipolar, their marriage success rate is very low. Of course, there are plenty of successful couples. However, there are more unsuccessful couples.
Bipolar does add some troubles into a love relationship. This is a solid fact. Most often, this is beyond our ability to control the whole situation. Love is not logic at all, and this has severely cracked my mind.
Whatsoever, love is patience and love is kind. It can shape us to be a better person. Never lose heart to have the courage to love someone because love is always a beautiful thing.
Friday, February 12, 2016
《二零一六年二月十二日》
新加坡，这一个表现亮眼和辉煌的国家，我曾有极大的可能成为新加坡人。父母在新加坡认识，在新加坡的裕廊建立一个小家庭，并在裕廊怀了我。由于父母都不是新加坡人，所以到了临盆的时候，妈妈去到离新加坡最靠近的大马新山。在新山生下了我，过后又回到新加坡。如果在当时，新加坡政府肯让妈妈在这里把我生下来，那么我就是新加坡人。
假如我是新加坡人，那么遭遇必定非常不一样。躁郁症这基因隐藏在体内，过后在十八岁至二十四岁期间爆发，我又会怎么样？在这个竞争激烈和高压的国家里生活，是否可以安好生活下去？这些事情，都难以想象。新加坡政府怎么对待精神病患，而这里的社会可以大方接纳这些人吗？在这高度重视效率和精英的国家，我相信，新加坡政府不会花费这些“冤枉”钱。
精神病患者，若肯接受治疗，还有拥有正确的人生观，我们的贡献，不会输给一般人。这一群看似负资产的人士，其实可以转变成建造社会非常大的动力。我们要加油，让他人对我们改观。
新加坡，这一个表现亮眼和辉煌的国家，我曾有极大的可能成为新加坡人。父母在新加坡认识，在新加坡的裕廊建立一个小家庭，并在裕廊怀了我。由于父母都不是新加坡人，所以到了临盆的时候，妈妈去到离新加坡最靠近的大马新山。在新山生下了我，过后又回到新加坡。如果在当时，新加坡政府肯让妈妈在这里把我生下来，那么我就是新加坡人。
假如我是新加坡人，那么遭遇必定非常不一样。躁郁症这基因隐藏在体内，过后在十八岁至二十四岁期间爆发，我又会怎么样？在这个竞争激烈和高压的国家里生活，是否可以安好生活下去？这些事情，都难以想象。新加坡政府怎么对待精神病患，而这里的社会可以大方接纳这些人吗？在这高度重视效率和精英的国家，我相信，新加坡政府不会花费这些“冤枉”钱。
精神病患者，若肯接受治疗，还有拥有正确的人生观，我们的贡献，不会输给一般人。这一群看似负资产的人士，其实可以转变成建造社会非常大的动力。我们要加油，让他人对我们改观。
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
"9th February 2016"
How to understand us? This is really a tough question. Until today, I had a love relationship only and it lasted for a few months. She was amazed about my ability in understanding her. After some conversations with her, I could say something that she wanted to say but I said it earlier.
Then, she had a request, could I help her in understanding me? She said it was awesome that I could tune to her channel to talk to her, how about she could also do the same thing to me? Well, this request cracked my head. It caused an awful short circuit to my brain. All right, I knew I should be thankful that she was willing to do so. Unfortunately, this was and is beyond my ability.
Of course, it's great that someone can understand us but it's an almost impossible task. For example, though I'm a bipolar guy, but my condition is different from another one who has the same problem as I. The fact is, I have difficulties in understanding another bipolar person, and I might fail to do so. Thus, how to let those who don't have such problem understanding us?
Welcome to my world but if you fail in understanding me, it's definitely fine, and I don't mind at all. This is what I want to say to those who want to understand me. Anyway, we ourselves have to try with all our efforts in understanding ourselves, so that we can stand up fast and strong when troubles rain violently on us.
How to understand us? This is really a tough question. Until today, I had a love relationship only and it lasted for a few months. She was amazed about my ability in understanding her. After some conversations with her, I could say something that she wanted to say but I said it earlier.
Then, she had a request, could I help her in understanding me? She said it was awesome that I could tune to her channel to talk to her, how about she could also do the same thing to me? Well, this request cracked my head. It caused an awful short circuit to my brain. All right, I knew I should be thankful that she was willing to do so. Unfortunately, this was and is beyond my ability.
Of course, it's great that someone can understand us but it's an almost impossible task. For example, though I'm a bipolar guy, but my condition is different from another one who has the same problem as I. The fact is, I have difficulties in understanding another bipolar person, and I might fail to do so. Thus, how to let those who don't have such problem understanding us?
Welcome to my world but if you fail in understanding me, it's definitely fine, and I don't mind at all. This is what I want to say to those who want to understand me. Anyway, we ourselves have to try with all our efforts in understanding ourselves, so that we can stand up fast and strong when troubles rain violently on us.
Monday, February 8, 2016
《二零一六年二月八日》
猴年到了，今天是大年初一，待会将会回柔佛过年。后天还会去新加坡，零岁到三岁在那里生活，觉得那里是个人的半个家乡，虽然不是新加坡公民。
过去的羊年，情绪和精神状况安定，不停思索着该采取怎样的人生观，还有如何跟人群交往。精神科医生只要求患者可以过个正常人的生活，患者拥有一般人的生活规律。患者？这个词不好听。可是外界的人如此看待我们，所以我们必须坦然接纳外人的眼光。至于如何让自己活得卓越和有意义，精神科医生仿佛就不那么在乎。对我来说，我们可以活得更好，对这个社会可以贡献很多，并不是被世界排斥的边缘人物。很多时候，由于要命的自卑感，会认为自己被众人遗弃。
如何让身旁的人理解自己？这是一个很头疼的课题。之前精神恍惚的时候，什么是真实，什么是虚幻，都无法分得清楚。好像《饥饿游戏》终结篇里的彼得，频频要求女主角证实哪些真实还是虚幻。非患者是否能理解患者的心灵世界？相信患者都曾很努力让旁人理解自己，用尽了一切词汇，但非患者怎么都无法理解。但是由于这精神疾病，我们可以轻易理解他人的心灵世界。其实不难理解，这病的无形折磨，让患者变得敏感，拥有了自然而然的同理心。
不知道其他的患者怎么想，其实自己本身不介意旁人不理解自己，只渴望有人陪伴在身旁就够了。所有的精神病患巨人（牛顿、梵谷、贝多芬等等），他们都对社会贡献了许多，相信他们都不要求回报，还是旁人能理解他们。他们都太伟大，而我不能跟他们并列。想要说的是，若有人想尝试理解你，请不要把门关上。
猴年到了，今天是大年初一，待会将会回柔佛过年。后天还会去新加坡，零岁到三岁在那里生活，觉得那里是个人的半个家乡，虽然不是新加坡公民。
过去的羊年，情绪和精神状况安定，不停思索着该采取怎样的人生观，还有如何跟人群交往。精神科医生只要求患者可以过个正常人的生活，患者拥有一般人的生活规律。患者？这个词不好听。可是外界的人如此看待我们，所以我们必须坦然接纳外人的眼光。至于如何让自己活得卓越和有意义，精神科医生仿佛就不那么在乎。对我来说，我们可以活得更好，对这个社会可以贡献很多，并不是被世界排斥的边缘人物。很多时候，由于要命的自卑感，会认为自己被众人遗弃。
如何让身旁的人理解自己？这是一个很头疼的课题。之前精神恍惚的时候，什么是真实，什么是虚幻，都无法分得清楚。好像《饥饿游戏》终结篇里的彼得，频频要求女主角证实哪些真实还是虚幻。非患者是否能理解患者的心灵世界？相信患者都曾很努力让旁人理解自己，用尽了一切词汇，但非患者怎么都无法理解。但是由于这精神疾病，我们可以轻易理解他人的心灵世界。其实不难理解，这病的无形折磨，让患者变得敏感，拥有了自然而然的同理心。
不知道其他的患者怎么想，其实自己本身不介意旁人不理解自己，只渴望有人陪伴在身旁就够了。所有的精神病患巨人（牛顿、梵谷、贝多芬等等），他们都对社会贡献了许多，相信他们都不要求回报，还是旁人能理解他们。他们都太伟大，而我不能跟他们并列。想要说的是，若有人想尝试理解你，请不要把门关上。
Friday, February 5, 2016
"5th February 2016"
Actually through out all these years, I always yearn someone might turns up to me and say to me, "Hey dude, come, I show you how to deal with your problem because I have overcome it successfully!" However, after 13 years, this person never shows up in my life.
Maybe I would like to be the person myself but it seems that I'm not qualified yet. Even though everything was generally in order and I could have an almost normal life as the rest, but there is still something missing in me. The sense of self esteem, and the kind of confidence to share a thought publicly, these 2 things are still missing in me. How to redeem these two things? Could we really be fully recovered and be the same person before relapse? Frankly speaking, all these seem quite impossible.
Freedom, fully independence, a lifelong partner and complete a purpose in life. These 4 things are what I strive for. Never lose heart and keep holding on. I may not be able to be a mentor for the bipolar disorder patients, but I am willing to walk together with you all.
Actually through out all these years, I always yearn someone might turns up to me and say to me, "Hey dude, come, I show you how to deal with your problem because I have overcome it successfully!" However, after 13 years, this person never shows up in my life.
Maybe I would like to be the person myself but it seems that I'm not qualified yet. Even though everything was generally in order and I could have an almost normal life as the rest, but there is still something missing in me. The sense of self esteem, and the kind of confidence to share a thought publicly, these 2 things are still missing in me. How to redeem these two things? Could we really be fully recovered and be the same person before relapse? Frankly speaking, all these seem quite impossible.
Freedom, fully independence, a lifelong partner and complete a purpose in life. These 4 things are what I strive for. Never lose heart and keep holding on. I may not be able to be a mentor for the bipolar disorder patients, but I am willing to walk together with you all.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
《二零一六年二月四日》
还想写下去吗？还想，会继续写下去。曾经这部落格至少都有八位读者，但自从二零一六年开始，这部落格已经无人问津了。看到这样的情况，确实会丧志，之前还曾以为读者会不断增加。
上个星期六，因为一个长者的劝导，又再次跟那位女生持续做朋友，且期待着开花结果的那一天。本来放下的情感，再一次挑在肩膀上，心情又开始浮动起来。这到底是什么样的关系？纯粹是朋友吗？这一段互相了解对方到底要进行多久？她对我的隐忧是否可以因为对彼此的了解而解决，还是把整件事弄得更加棘手呢？明天是她的生日，真的非常懊恼，不知道如何是好。
还有另一件想说的，就是一直以来，我都是他人的补位朋友。意思就是，当他人找不到其他人陪伴时，才会偶尔想起的朋友。很多时候，如果我没有主动找对方，几乎没有人会主动找我。若有人会找我，通常都是因为，他们在当时找不到其他朋友。感觉被忽略、被遗弃、被忘怀。其实很想成为众人的焦点，也很想常常被朋友们约出来见面，更希望可以有能力去帮助和关心身旁的朋友们。
世界有时候变得很小，仿佛只有自己，自己陪伴着自己。渴望有人拍拍我的肩膀给予安慰，更渴望他人温暖的拥抱。有某人在身旁陪伴，即使什么话都不说，从他身上的体温，就可以给予我不可缺乏的人间温暖。
还想写下去吗？还想，会继续写下去。曾经这部落格至少都有八位读者，但自从二零一六年开始，这部落格已经无人问津了。看到这样的情况，确实会丧志，之前还曾以为读者会不断增加。
上个星期六，因为一个长者的劝导，又再次跟那位女生持续做朋友，且期待着开花结果的那一天。本来放下的情感，再一次挑在肩膀上，心情又开始浮动起来。这到底是什么样的关系？纯粹是朋友吗？这一段互相了解对方到底要进行多久？她对我的隐忧是否可以因为对彼此的了解而解决，还是把整件事弄得更加棘手呢？明天是她的生日，真的非常懊恼，不知道如何是好。
还有另一件想说的，就是一直以来，我都是他人的补位朋友。意思就是，当他人找不到其他人陪伴时，才会偶尔想起的朋友。很多时候，如果我没有主动找对方，几乎没有人会主动找我。若有人会找我，通常都是因为，他们在当时找不到其他朋友。感觉被忽略、被遗弃、被忘怀。其实很想成为众人的焦点，也很想常常被朋友们约出来见面，更希望可以有能力去帮助和关心身旁的朋友们。
世界有时候变得很小，仿佛只有自己，自己陪伴着自己。渴望有人拍拍我的肩膀给予安慰，更渴望他人温暖的拥抱。有某人在身旁陪伴，即使什么话都不说，从他身上的体温，就可以给予我不可缺乏的人间温暖。
Monday, February 1, 2016
"1st February 2016"
So fast, it's now the first day of the second month. The medication seems running good in my body and it does help to stabilise all kinds of radical mood problems.
Actually the gal never rejected me. When she told me that we be friends first, she wanted to know me more before we are confirmed as lovers. Once again, I chat with her. I don't know what will it be but I do hope for the best.
My company has been recently bought over by another company. Today it's my first day in the new company. Same thing, I don't know what will it be but I do hope for the best.
So fast, it's now the first day of the second month. The medication seems running good in my body and it does help to stabilise all kinds of radical mood problems.
Actually the gal never rejected me. When she told me that we be friends first, she wanted to know me more before we are confirmed as lovers. Once again, I chat with her. I don't know what will it be but I do hope for the best.
My company has been recently bought over by another company. Today it's my first day in the new company. Same thing, I don't know what will it be but I do hope for the best.
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