"28th February 2016"
This is the topic that I wanted to write for a long time, it's about suicide, either commit suicide or suicidal thought. It seems as the easiest way or the most preferred way for bipolar people to runaway from all these mess.

I've never tried to commit suicide but I do have suicidal thought from time to time. During the moment that I was suffering either critical highs or lows or mixed state, I hoped my life would be taken away at the glimpse of my eyes. The long lasting painful feelings, the never ending numbness of the brain, the incurable hopeless soul, and the unexplainable inner thought. It was like no one could really give a hand. The phobia of rejection screamed till voiceless.

Family members, relatives and friends are willing to help. There are always there and I just have to voice up. However, no one can understand. I explained so hard and they were trying all their best to understand. It was a failure, a great failure, maybe a never successful task. They questioned, so many questions. They suggested, so many suggestions. They advised, so many advice. No, I did not want any of these. How could I answer the questions when my mood was in chaos? How could I accept your suggestions when you did not understand my pain? How could I listen to your advice when my brain were feeling numb?

Just be with me for a while, okay? Spend a short moment to listen some songs with me. Maybe walking together around and say nothing. Who are willing to do this for you? You yourself. The illness is not you, it's never a part of you. You accept yourself but never the illness. We stand bold and fight till the end, never surrender to the illness. I accept the one who is in pain, the one who is under attacked by the illness. When the feeling was too much, I disconnected from the outside world and focused to the inner one who was greatly injured. I talked to myself, "Max, be strong and you can make it!"