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Thursday, December 17, 2020

 2020-12-17

It's ironic that we accept the concept which emphasises "everyone is unique" but we all tend to follow the so called 'universal standard'. Surely it's unavoidable to compare ourselves with someone else. As a result, it always seems we are much worse than almost everyone. 

Besides, we already learned that comparison is the thief of joy but we still keep comparing. Why must we do all sorts of things to feel worse and worse? Not only for mental illness people, even for the majority also would fall into the same trap. They keep saying that happiness is very important but keep doing things which make them feel terribly depressed. Why? Most probably being the best in every aspect is the root cause of happiness for such people. The cruel fact is, who could really be the best? 

Please stop compare with people. Human beings are imperfect, and hence never ever tend to be perfect. And also, imperfection is the true perfect. A good example is, if a pianist play a piano piece with all the notes 100% correct and timing 100% correct and all the expressions 100% correct, the piano piece is not perfect at the end. Why so? Who wants to listen to a piano piece which sounds 100% robotic?! In brief, 100% perfect is 100% NOT perfect at all!

I accept myself to be truly imperfect, having such a mental illness gave me a dead sentence to be a perfectionist. However, it also saves me from being a perfectionist, it gives me freedom for NOT being a perfectionist. I used to be a perfectionist, and wanted everything to be 100% perfect. At the same, I was suffering hard for having such a thought. 

And now, I have a different standard than other people, never compare with the people but myself only. It's really great to compete and be better than my old self in the past!

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

 2020-12-16

这些日子都活在痛苦里,相信这不舒服的感觉会一直持续到圣诞节前几天才结束。运动可以有效地除去这痛苦的滋味,导致我几乎天天运动。可是有时候,那疼痛感会突然加剧,会痛到头皮麻痹,加上胸口会有沉重的压抑感。

会过去的,我不断地安慰自己。可以习惯这痛楚吗?至少一年重复两次,每次都长达几个星期。这苦楚并不定时,大约是四月某日和十二月某日。记得自己崩溃时,大量吸着烟和喝了许多啤酒,似乎努力地麻醉自己。当时除了感到浓浓的不安全感,还有内心极度的澎湃情绪之外,由于一直无法安眠,才大量用酒精和烟瘾来治愈就快崩裂的头。

难怪我要用相同的方法来消除疼痛吗?酒精与药物相冲,当我决定长期服用药物后就几乎滴酒不沾。吸烟呢?我确实尝试了,算是有效暂时消除疼痛,可是过后会更加疼痛。或许抽烟治愈痛楚相等于服用安眠药来对付失眠吧。曾经在精神崩溃康复后,在某一段时间服用着安眠药,好让自己能好好入睡。肯定可以好好入睡,但是睡醒了会觉得好困,无法在早晨时精神焕发。

简言之,服用安眠药和抽烟是不自然疗愈方式,其效果肯定不佳,还会对身体造成伤害。到目前为止,只发现运动和音乐是自然疗愈法。运动时释放的多巴胺,确实可以有效消除痛楚。抒情音乐,可以缓和以及平复情绪。这时候精神状况不好,很容易打盹,所以必需多多歇息。