2020-03-09


About twice a year, one time before Christmas and another time before Easter Day, I have to suffer depression state or most probably mixed state for almost a month. I hardly differentiate depression state and mixed state because I cannot say that I'm at a low mood for such a long time. In fact, I'm suffering quite bad emotionally for such a long time.


Interestingly, I can still perform daily routine as if I'm totally OK. Moreover, I can still participate in any sport events for example triathlon and completed it with a better result than last year. Anyway, I'm bleeding inside, bleeding emotionally and mentally. It makes me feeling irritated and uncontrollably easily getting angry and fall into unnecessary quarrels. This is the main reason why I must restrain myself from involving into all the unnecessary social events right now.


Must be really careful not to trigger myself into a chaotic mind. That's why I think most probably I'm experiencing a mixed state now. It's much easier for me to tackle depression and manic states but it's really hard to handle a mixed state. In brief, it's really uncomfortable and I have no idea how to ease the pains.


Be still, be calm. It'll eventually cease. I repeat all the words again and again to myself.

2020-03-06


当年龄渐长后，发现很多事情都已无法回头，唯有继续走下去，见一步走一步。曾经错过了吗？没有珍惜吗？那段凌乱的过去，我又能怎么做最理性和正确的决定？不能怪自己，我怎么能怪自己？


走得渐渐清晰的时候，豁相然发现身边的人都不一样，身处同一个世界，却处于不同的空间。会孤单吗？会寂寞吗？这问题都全然失去了意义。肯定孤单的，也肯定会寂寞。目前的情况是，我很容易了解他人，也很容易进入他人的世界里。可是一直到现在，似乎没有成功进入我的世界。尽力过好好说明一切，用对方能理解的言词，却怎么做都已失败收场。门敞开了，大大敞开了，没有人进来，根本都进不来。


看来只好这样下去，毕竟没有了解我并不会断送性命。没有关系的，怪只怪自己的思绪太杂乱，也因此当初会不断陷入崩溃状况。这样复杂的思绪，仿佛要到某个年龄才可以驾驭。若是这样，年龄渐长是个好事。