2016-09-28

Frankly speaking, it's really pretty hard to major more than one language. English is my second language and I put much efforts in it to write, read and speak fluently. 

When I was 5 years old, my parents put me into a kindergarten. They thought I could learn a new language easily, so they put me in an English class. I was so afraid. I was wondering where were I right now? How come they could say something like that which didn't make any sense at all to me? 

Parents asked me what did I learn every day. As usual, I would answer them "ABC". After a few months, I answered them the same answer and they started feeling worry. Even Chinese is my first language but until 7 years old, I still could not say a complete Chinese sentence. I wanted to express exhaustively but I could not. After that, parents changed me to a Chinese class but I still had problem in learning. 

For your information, the teacher of the Chinese class was my cousin's friend. She told my cousin directly that she disliked me the most among all her students. Until primary one, class teacher also disliked me the most. Why? Most probably they thought I was dirty. My skin was sensitive and mosquitoes liked to bite me. I used to scratched my skin till blood stained on my fingernails. Hence, my father applied a blue iodine (a kind of medicine) over all my body and made me into a blue spots Dalmatian.

My results were poor when I was in primary one. My sister taught me how to study till I got good results when I was in primary two. Whatsoever, I still have difficulties in learning languages. As I could remember, the time which I spent on learning languages was obviously more than learning science subjects. Until today, I'm still learning. 

Learning is a great medicine for my mental health. While feeling uncomfortable, concentrating in learning can easily ease my pains. 

2016-09-26

同一天写两篇的部落格，刚写了英文，现在写着中文。心里有话想说，所以在这平台尽情抒发。以匿名的方式写部落格感觉真的很不错，可以放肆地渲泄内心的思绪又不用担心被旁人指指点点。

人是群体的生命体，大家需要生活在一起，从千古到现今都依然如此。无论是什么样的个性，大家都要彼此仰赖对方。虽然有外向和内向之分，但是没有人可以成为孤岛。生活在大城市里，大家为了生活，为了赚更多的钱而牺牲了很多其他更加宝贵的东西。假如我没有躁郁症，相信我还在努力追求着，要勇往直前努力去闯，争取更高的职位和赚取更多的钱。什么时候才足够？即使是千万富翁，他们会觉得永远都不够。

什么是最宝贵的呢？情。情是最宝贵的，无论是亲情、友情和爱情，它们通通都无价，无比至上珍贵的东西。对我而言，它们比健康重要，当然比金钱、权利和名望都来得更重要。所以我不喜欢虚情假意的人，那些因为某些好处而来献殷勤的人。这些人之中，有很多都是搞直销的，还有不少是卖保险的。我无意去诋毁这些行业，毕竟行行出状元。只不过，我遇到太多这样的人，他们来到你身旁不是真心跟你做朋友，而是想要从你身上得到好处。

由于这躁郁症，让我无法成为富人，到如今仍然是个普普通通的工程师。可是想狂妄大声说：“金钱、权利和名望不算什么！通通都是粪便！” 活在这世上，若有个人会疼爱我，那么就已足够。可以找到一位你爱的，同时他（她）又爱你的人，相信可以死而无憾。可惜要找到这样的人，如在大海捞针般，需要很大很大的运气（有人说，那叫缘分）。

不过，若找不到爱，生活还是要继续过下去。至少要学会爱自己，心里还是要存有盼望，学习如天空中的太阳，让光芒灿烂照耀着周围的人群。

2016-09-26

I think I have found my Miss Right but can I be so sure? She has hearing impairment and she needs hearing aids for listening. Of course I do not mind because I also have another kind of disability. Such a coincidence, we graduated from the same university and I met her because of an alumni gathering of the university. 

We have lots of similarities and I feel some sorts like we are born to be together. The more we talk, the more we are amazed with our similarities. Anyway, I can only be her friend during this moment. Time will tell who am I to her. Time will prove whether I can be her Mr. Right. If we cannot be together, then we can still be good friends. I already do not mind in having another good female friend. 

Love is surely illogical. There are no formulas and no logic senses at all. For whatever we do, as long as we are hardworking, we may get it. Love relationship between two person? No way! Even if you love someone until you sacrifice your life for the person, if he or she has no feelings with you, you will be rejected for eternity. It is like a death sentence in love. However, if we love someone, we have to tell the person because as long as we never voice up, how do we know the result?  

Someone advised me must be perseverance. Anyway, if she really has no feelings with me, why should I try so hard until I make her feels scared and annoyed. From her point of view, most probably she wishes I will get lost as soon as possible. Thus, it would be much better for me to be disappeared from her life. At the same time, I wish her good luck in getting a much better person than I. 

I only wanna love someone, one is good enough. If I can find and be with her, I want to love her forever and ever.      

2016-09-24

真爱存在吗？这世界有所谓的天生一对吗？两个不同的人在一起比较好，还是臭味相投的人在一起更好呢？

年少的时候，容易被爱冲昏了头，会以为某个女生是心中的唯一。结果喜欢某个女生，一直喜欢她长达十二年。后来认为不可能有希望了而放弃。在大学时期，遇到另一位，同样认为她是全世界最好的那一位。可惜后来她结婚了，出席了她的婚礼，而新郎不是我。

过后心想，我应该不会再遇到更好的女生，然后就胡乱谈了几场如“短剧”的恋爱。当时心想，已经到了适婚的年龄，不要太挑，毕竟你严格挑选伴侣，她人也同样苛刻挑选对象。过不了心里那关，因为第一位很好，而在大学遇到的那一位更好！后来跟那些“短剧恋情”的女生们发生些问题，由于并非真正喜欢她们，所以没有继续坚持下去。

本来打算心如止水，不再去尝试喜欢任何女生。去新加坡受训时，还被小姑洗脑，教导我不要太挑，随随便便就可以啦。她鼓励我成家，劝导我不要放弃要结婚的欲望。心想，怎么找呢？女生们都介意我的精神状况吧。这世界很现实，还有现今的世界跟以前似乎全然不同。

她，在吗？她，在哪儿呢？她，能包容我的精神问题吗？她，会不介意吗？她……

2016-09-22

Choice of words is very important. Of course I'm trying my best to convey my message through the most suitable words I may get from my little vocabulary. We may have misunderstandings easily with other people if we talk to each other via emails, SMS, Whats App or whatsoever text applications only.

Undoubtedly, expressions and tonality are more important than choice of words. Thus, to minimise the event of misunderstandings, the best solution is to talk to each other in person. Otherwise, we might get hurt due to unnecessary wrong choice of words. If we must communicate with each other in words only, we cannot be lazy and must write more words. If you write to someone in just a few words, the person most probably would simply interpret it with his or her own feelings in those words. The rate for the wrong feelings is amazingly high.

This is my personal problem. Most of the times, I fall into all sorts of arguments because of misunderstandings with other people's choice of words and myself too. I have to be calm and listen patiently first before I answer the other person with hostile words. The heart to patiently listening no matter under what circumstances. 

Another problem I have is that I would feel irritated easily and start to be furious. Again and again I have to remind myself to listening patiently first before speaking up. It's really a bad habit for keep apology due to the same cause for numerous times.  

2016-09-20

在今年初，短短几个月的时间，前前后后跟三位女生交往。当时确实很渴望能展开一段恋情，并深深期盼那恋情能开花结果。每年过年期间，亲友们总显得如此关怀我能否快点成家。每一位派红包给我的亲戚，递给我红包前一定会劝我尽快结婚吧。

当那三段的恋情都纷纷告吹后，真的想一辈子独生了，脑袋里还思索着该如何一个人生活。之前到新加坡受训一个星期，受训期间几乎每晚都有人请吃晚餐。小姑住在新加坡，平常都会跟她说不少个人的东西。记得等待着飞机起飞前，坐在等待区的时候，小姑打电话跟我聊了一会儿。原本只是写信息给她，但她一看到我写给她，“如果我继续单身的话，会考虑飞往诺丁汉度过余生。” 她马上打电话来劝导我。

小姑依然积极鼓励我成家，不要放弃希望。她说，这病症已经越来越普遍，而我的情况都受到良好的控制。每晚只需要吃一颗药，近乎三年了仍然病情稳定。她说，她认为我根本没有问题，若我没有告诉她我有躁郁症，她就算死也不会相信。她还说，她看得出我可以是位好丈夫，也将会是位好爸爸。只要心里坚信自己将会成家，就会有机会成家。在小姑的鼓励之下，会相信我将会成家，做位好丈夫和好爸爸。

上个星期六复诊，同样跟精神科医生聊了不到五分钟的时间。告诉他我最近的工作评估，上司给了我一百分满分，所以可以获得不错的花红。上司知道我的精神状况，所以无法让我担任责任比较重大的工作。因此我在同一间公司做了七年多，还只是个普普通通的工程师。不过还是欣慰上司给予我在工作上的肯定。

2016-09-14

Tomorrow is Mid-Autumn Festival. The moon will be bright and round in the skies by tomorrow night. I'm concerned that the price of a moon cake is so costly nowadays.

The UK did well for the Olympic Games in Rio and does well again for the Paralympic Games. Then, I've realised learning problem is also a disability. When I searched online, I've found this: http://www.disability.wa.gov.au/understanding-disability1/understanding-disability/what-is-disability/ 

There are so many kinds of disabilities: intellectual, psychiatric, cognitive, neurological, sensory and physical impairments. Obviously I have psychiatric disability. Anyway, I'm not good enough to be a Paralympics athlete. Just that I've just realised, if I'm good enough in any of the sports, I'm qualified to join Paralympic Games. 

Athletes spend so many hours a day to major in a sport. If we have to learn from the athletes, then we have to learn more from the athletes of Paralympics. They never give up of their lives regardless what kinds of impairments they have. Thus, we should never give up too.  

2016-09-01

拒绝了某间私立大学的博士课程后，心里感到很难过。前几天，难过得一想起就想哭泣，今天已经好了很多，不再如此感触良多。事实是，此时的我，无论在经济上还是精神上都无法胜任。

兼读课程长达六年，每年的学费不菲，肯定会让自己莫名的压力。知道自己做了对的决定，无奈心里依然极其难受，好像亲手把梦想给毁灭。申请该大学困难重重，过关斩将的，可惜最终无法完成却是因为自己的问题。对自己说：“没关系，再等多几年，一定还有机会。” 可是怎么努力，仍然无法压抑内心的痛。

目前所工作的公司鼓励员工继续进修，因为科技发展迅速，必须不间断地充实自己，以免落入不进则退的窘境。由于这些课程都是免费的，那么我可以把注意力转向进修公司所提供的任何课程。

懂事是好事，在面子书里却看到有文章评论懂事的孩子长大后会有严重的情绪问题。知道自己没有资格去反驳此文章，因为躁郁症是严重的精神问题。不过我想说，叛逆的孩子会比较成功，但他们会为其他人着想吗？他们有同理心吗？他们会体恤其他人的感受吗？如果成功了，却让爱他的人严重受到伤害，那么那所谓的成功有意义吗？