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Monday, June 22, 2020

2020-06-22

From Conditional Movement Control Order (cMCO) to Recovery Movement Control Order (rMCO), will it be another type of MCO? Looking at the terrible figures about this pandemic, behind the figures are numerous heartbroken incidents and tears. When will it end? 

By having 2 languages in the same blog, I might be having personality disorder too. Letting both languages flow freely from my brain, from my heart in deep. Words are miracles, it can express the innermost feelings and thoughts. It's really a kind of art. From the existence of words until now, it can be kept for a long long time. To be precise, I'm using my intellectual mind to write, but behind the mind, the great motivation for me to keep writing is my roaring emotional heart. 

Feeling too much, it's hurt, it's really painful, it's like a never ending bleeding heart. People keep talking about positive thinking. Where got so much positive energy, radiance or aura? In fact, the world consists more negative power. Anyhow, we have to resist stubbornly. More stubborn than any material in the world. In mathematics, negative negative become positive. Maybe this is the way to fight against the negative surrounding by using another negative action which is stubbornness.

I believe there is someone else more stubborn than I. Until now, 6 times breakdowns and 6 times recovery experiences, the main character behind should be stubbornness. Yes, I have faith, strongly believe that bipolar disorder people can win in the end. It's suffering greatly, and so many times I prayed to God to take away my life, but after that my battling journey continues. 

Friday, June 19, 2020

2020-06-19

过去的五月很难熬,所以没有心情写部落格。加上曾经抛弃我的干妈突然跟我联络,要果断地做个决定确实不容易。在英国诺丁汉读硕士的时候,第三度陷入精神崩溃。在精神病院住了两个月,出来的时候,精神状况还不理想。当时觉得莫名无助,不断找人来聊天。

那时的我,应该处于非常软弱与无助的时候。若有人在此时叫我去自杀,相信我会遵从并执行。很多事物都不确定,对自己的信心近乎零分。这位干妈跟我聊了几天后,显得厌倦和厌恶,可惜当时的我完全无法察觉。突然在某一天,她写了些讯息给我,主要是告诉我她没有福气做我的干妈,不要再打扰她,也别再称呼她‘干妈’,应该叫她老师,因为她毕竟是我的主日学老师。

在如此无助的时候,还被这老师踹了一脚,真的非常痛苦。过了好多年,都不再联络这老师了。她突然间联络我,让我顿时措手不及。事实是,我真的真的很想原谅她,跟她聊了几天。后来发现她身为中医,对精神疾病却不清不楚,还主观认为精神病患者是因为思想不成熟才会有此问题。我指正她这观念不正确,但没有长篇大论或说辞犀利。后来做了决定,不想成为她的负担,才告诉她,既然选择了离开就不要再回头。

过了两个星期,她不再写东西给我了,相信她以后也不会。是的,在这世上,有很多很多人会因为我这问题而离开我。没关系的,真的没有关系。只要有几个人好好爱我就已足够,若没有的话,自己一定要好好爱自己。精神病患者也是有尊严的,不需乞求他人的怜爱而失去了尊严。