2022-03-17

由于工作不怎么繁重，还可以兼读硕士课程。第一学期的成绩算是考得挺不错， 所以在这即将开始的第二学期，会比第一学期多读一门课。盼望自己依然可以考得好成绩。

有个猎人头，向我推荐一份更好的工作：薪金比目前的工作高许多，还有职位也比目前的高几个等级。可是我拒绝了。为什么呢？当精神状态好的时候，肯定可以表现得比一般人优越。不幸的是，精神状况不好的时候，几乎没有办法好好工作。

必需坦白，自己在这时候就处于无法安好工作的状况。这部落格一开起来，脑袋空空的，完全不知道该写什么好。无法等到状况好的时候才写，因为这状况会保持相当冗长的时间。咆哮着为何人类不是北极熊，不像北极熊那样可以冬眠一段日子。如果这状况一来到即可进入冬眠，那么日子就不会过得太难受。

是的，我感到难受。可怕的是，这难受会继续不断笼罩着我，无论去到什么地方，这阴影仍然牢牢困锁。光线总是那么刺眼，急躁的声音语气如刀刺割着我的心，难受的情绪怎么变得如此巨大和沉重。想要躲避，想要隐藏，却不知道能藏在什么地方。

或许人人都会问我，难道精神药物失效了吗？当然不是。幸好服用着药物，不然思绪会极度容易陷入无法控制的亢奋中，完全失丧了理智。是的，我感到不舒服，但幸好理智犹在。周而复始的状况，一定可以挨过去。

2022-03-16

It's good to have your own dairy in writing down your daily mood. This was an advice from one of my psychiatrists. Of course, it was hard to carry on patiently. The main motive is, we may know our trend of moods. 

As for myself, I could notice that twice a year, I have had to endure quite a long-lasting of uncomfortable period. If I did follow the advice, I should have realised all the important dates much earlier. Anyway, what's the point to know all these uncomfortable moments? By knowing so, you may plan your events more carefully. And also, during this moment, you may simply slow down without feeling guilty or uneasy. 

In this fast-paced society, we are used to the lifestyle of keep on rushing. Sometimes, we're in a rush until we do not know why we want to do so. Quite often, we might just want to be part of the society by following the rest. We do not want to be left out, do not want to be left behind. Hence, by having such an uncomfortable moment, it reminds us to be true to ourselves. 

In such a mixed state, I'm sensitive to lights, sounds and feelings. If possible, I want to hide myself in a cave. However, life goes on and I have to do something to survive. Fortunately, my job is not too pressure, and it's not that hectic. I might go get a much better job: higher salary and higher position. The consequence is, I might push myself to the edge by doing so. 

Slow down. I'm glad to slow down. A moment to see the world in a much slower tempo. 

2021-02-15

过了西方的情人节，今天是元宵，既是东方的情人节。单生的男士们都被称为“单身狗”，那么我也是只单身狗。如果心情在这时候总会沮丧的话，请暂时不要浏览脸书，也暂时回避一下IG，因为有情人的人士，在这时候都会放闪，让单身狗们更加难过伤心。

幸好爱情并非人生的全部，不然要我怎么度过一年又一年的东西方情人节？昨天在优管看了新加坡介绍有关当地精神病患者的状况。在里头，谈到了标签，外人对精神病患者错误的想法，还有精神病患者的孤单寂寞等等。这节目应该是要化解他人对精神病患者的歧视与误解，但我个人看了后，心情变得更加低落。

由于大家都不热衷于探讨精神病患者的世界，而我又处于这两个世界的中间：一边是大部份人士所熟悉的世界；另一个是精神病患者那挣扎悲惨的世界。仿佛大家一想到精神病患者，就是如此的悲惨与不堪。到底精神病患者，有多少处于那大家所认为的癫疯世界，又有多少是活在一般人的世界里呢？

撇开这不重要的问题，我想说的是，精神病患者也可以积极快乐生活，甚至比一般人更有毅力与能耐去实现自己的梦想。当精神病患者从癫疯世界的泞泥里走出来后，坦然生活在一般人的世界里，领悟了这一切并非理所当然，也清楚了解时间太宝贵，因为在那挣扎的过程里已花费太多时间，所以会比一般人更努力，比一般人更坚决自己的理想与方向，甚至面对问题会比一般人更加无畏！不是吗？

或许能这么想的精神病患者占少数。但我深信，会这么想的精神病患者，肯定不会只是我一个。

2022-02-14

Today is Valentine's Day, it's the most terrible day of the whole day. Moreover, this year is the most heartbreaking Valentine's Day for me. I met a lady about 2 years via online dating, and we remain as friends for all these days. I was trying to understand her more throughout this friendship. 

One day, I told her that I wanted to give her a Valentine's Day gift. She said okay, and even suggested to have a Valentine's Day dinner as well. I thought she gave me a green light, telling me that I got the chance to start a love relationship with her. I prayed that I could be the best guy for her, treat her well, and learn how to love her deeply. However, this dream lasted for a few days only. On 1st of February 2022, she told me frankly that she doesn't ready for a love relationship yet, and she never plans to get married yet. In fact, she was telling me between her lines that I'm not the Mr. Right for her anyway. 

Of course, this was a heartbreaking news. Fortunately, I've never told my family members anything about her. I successfully remained calm and still till today. The main thing should be, it is obvious that I like her but not to the level of 'love' yet. When a love relationship is not confirmed, I shouldn't fall in love with anyone, so that my sanity can be sustained. For the 2 broken love relationships, I truly fell in love and when the relationships failed, I couldn't help myself into having some breakdowns. 

The main lesson I would like is, never simply fall in love with anyone. When I fall in love, I would think it's forever and pretty hard to quit. The pains remain, but it's bearable. The most important thing is, we should never lose our sanity. Once fall into a breakdown, it takes years to be fully recovered. Some more, it brings more pains to the ones who genuinely love us. 

So, please do not crush into a breakdown for someone who doesn't love you. Take care, my friends! 

2022-01-26

到底要说还是不说？当状况稳定了一段时期，就自然而然要思考一个问题，到底要不要告诉某人自己的精神状况。对于本人的精神科医生，他主张不告诉任何人，因为一旦他人知道后，即会因着他人的偏见而陷入不公平的窘境。

我的精神科医生这么说是有道理的。至于自己本身，公司的高层知道了我的精神状况，从此失去一切升职的机会。身为初级工程师那么多年，到目前为止依然是一个初级工程师。身旁的同事们都有机会升职，但不管我等待多久或多么努力都没有机会。感情方面，遇到一位有机会成为另一半的女子，却在我告诉她自己的精神状况后，毅然决定我们只是朋友。不公平吗？非常不公平！有偏见吗？太明显啦！

可是，难道可以永远不说？每年都要复诊，每天都要服药，甚至钱包里总携带着障友卡。很多精神病患者，最讨厌就是长期服药。每次服药，都似乎不断提醒着自己有病，却怎么样都不可停止服药。去复诊的时候，看到很多比自己严重的精神病患者，不得不想自己跟这些严重的患者是同类，大家都有某种的精神病。那张障友卡呢？虽然拥有这张障友卡，可以有不少福利，但是要向他人展示障友卡时，心里总是不好受。

是的，我正常了，过着正常人的生活。可是我能停止服药吗？可以不再复诊吗？可以不再携带障友卡吗？这张障友卡，弥补了这精神病的困扰。事实是，若没有这精神病，就可以拥有更高的社会阶级，也应该老早结婚生子。不说，难道就没有这样的问题吗？不说，难道在公平的环境下，可以承受沉重的压力而不会崩溃？

个人的结论是，当然不要向任何人说自己的精神状况，但是必需向身旁那些爱与关心你的人述说。如果说了后，他们选择离开，就让他们离开。留下来的，才是真正值得珍惜的人。

2022-01-25

Could I self define the meaning of bipolar disorder? I really thought I could do so because I had all the experiences of being a guy with such an issue. I also doubted that the experts for example the psychiatrists, they have all the required knowledge but most of them do not have any experience. 

And then, my mentor reminds me that I'm not qualified to go against the experts by defining my own terms for bipolar disorder. It's because my own judgment has become faulty. First of all, why do I want to define the meaning of bipolar disorder? This is the common mistake for all the people with bipolar instead. While everything becomes good and stable for a long time, we often think that we might be misdiagnosed with such an illness. 

Why I have such a thought? Recently, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Everything was going well with me, so I maintain the same dosage of my medication. I love asking questions. So, I asked my psychiatrist whether should I inform people about my mental health condition. I used to think that, if it's necessary, then I must inform someone about my mental condition. However, the psychiatrist advises me not to inform anyone if possible. He says, if someone knows about my condition, people might have bias looking at me. He means, in such a way, I would put myself in an unfair situation. 

This is really true! I do not have anymore advancement in my current job due to my managers know my mental health condition. No matter how good I perform, all the other colleagues would be promoted besides me. A lady almost wanted to be my girlfriend but the whole relationship ruined when I told her frankly about my condition. It is clear that the world cannot accept me having such a mental illness. 

Actually how I wanted to define bipolar disorder? An illness which needs long term medication to balance the hormones in the brain so that the mood could fluctuate in an acceptable range.  

2021-12-31

来到2021年的最后一天，会对新的一年有什么盼望呢？由于读着硕士学位，生活突然觉得过得很丰富。自己不是特别聪明，所以读书也不会是件轻松的事。一直以来，成绩会比一般人好，也只是因为我比一般人勤劳。

当然希望这疫情快快离去，好让大家都可以恢复以往的生活方式。或许也是因为这疫情关系，才促使我再读多一次硕士学位。真的不是因为自己厉害，而是原本想进修博士学位，但已拥有的硕士学位的成绩并不理想，所以才被逼从硕士开始。相信很多人都不会这么做，也是去寻找另一间大学吧。是的，也是由于经济能力不足，才须要在本地大学读书。曾经有一间著名的英国大学，接受我直接进修博士，可惜学费太惊人，远远超出了我的经济能力！在万般不舍之下，我只好断然拒绝了。

精神病患者可以变得富裕吗？事实是，有很多精神病患者都无法好好照顾自己。当我处于崩溃状态时，脆弱得像个小孩，无助得不知如何是好。我相信精神病患者可以变得富裕，但是在那之前必需懂得顾好自己的精神状况。我们与一般人有什么不一样呢？除了那些已懂得的劣势，我们又拥有什么优势呢？

曾经读过一本书，作者说，世界因为精神病患者而变得精彩。这世界确实这样，如果没有精神病患者，世界会变得很枯燥乏味。精神病患者总是会不按牌理出招，让他人防不胜防。除此之外，在精神病患者的世界里，并没有所谓的逻辑和一般人固有的思路。