2021-02-24

一月四日动了左大腿骨断裂的手术后，至今已有七个多星期。目前不再须要拐杖步行，但走起来却显得蹒跚怪异。因为这场意外，吃了很多很多的苦头。那刻骨铭心的痛，是永远都无法忘记的。

在电视剧里，看到精神病患发病的剧情，总在心里带来很大冲击，犹如涟漪般向周围大大扩散出去。有些演员演得太真实，让我不禁怀疑那演员是否真的有精神问题。说实话，身为精神病患者的我，阅读另一个精神病患者的部落格，确实是非常难受。因为我能深深体会患者的痛，仿佛那场意外所带给我身体上的剧痛一样。看了后，只能感叹：“爱莫能助。”

有很多东西做不到。无法成为光，指引患者坦然从困境里走出来。在生活中，尽量显得乐观积极，希望能带给身旁的人欢乐。当能量微弱时，学习在安静中与自己进行深层的心灵会话。不止精神病患者不敢面对最赤裸的自己，包括一般人都不喜欢这么做，一直用各种方式来麻醉自己。事实是，除了你自己，谁可以更了解自己？勇敢去探索内心的‘禁地’，去了解为何会有如此巨大的反应。

随着年龄渐长，领会有许多事都不必执著。关于这点，一般人面对许多不必要的苦楚，问题来源也是过于执著。说到这里，可以做个结论，精神病患者和一般人在许多事上都近乎没有差别。精神病患要注意的事，一般人也同样需要注意。唯一的差别是，在躁郁症（至今变成了--- 双向情感障碍）里，我个人觉得，一切的感应都放大了许多。这样可以解释，为什么开心的时候会比一般人更加兴奋，而伤心的时候又比一般人更加沮丧，加上生气时会比一般人更加狂烈！

重点是，不要执著，因为是与非并非重点。即使有能力把对方辩倒，让对方哑口无言，可是对方无论如何都不会因此屈服，但所造成的感情破裂是不必要的。竟知之，何为之？

 2021-01-17

Due to a strange accident on the last day of 2020, my femur was fractured. A major operation had been done on 4th January 2021.

The pain feeling was massive and truly hard to bear. I had to transferred from a general hospital to a private hospital because lack of surgeons and not enough operation room during such a pandemic. Experienced the swab test and it was really uncomfortable. I could only transfer to the private hospital after my result was negative. 

For the first two nights, the pain feeling almost paralysed me. Fortunately by the end of the second day, I knew how to manage the pain and refused taking pain killers. However, the pain persisted, just that I already got used to it. An anesthetist explained to me the quite complicated anesthesia procedure because of my bipolar disorder. For my bipolar friends, please remember to inform your doctor that you have bipolar disorder. The anesthetist never gave me a full body anesthesia because I might have problems to wake up again. 

It's really a long recovery process. My femur can be totally healed in 6 till 8 weeks but I need longer time to involve in marathon, duathlon and triathlon again. According to another doctor, I might need at least 4 months to have a complete recovery. I have to make sure that I'm always have a calm and stable mood. Although I wish to walk smoothly as soon as possible but I give time to myself for recovery.

Everything will be fine. The pandemic shall cease and I would surely walk normally soon. Keep taking my medication faithfully. So do all my bipolar friends who read this blog. 

 2021-01-13

在2020年的最后一天，发生了挺离奇的意外。由于快步行走，不小心踢到在停车位伫立的铁柱子。隐约听到低沉的钟声，同时被反弹的震撼弄得有些晕眩 ，过后坐大腿像被电击，左脚顿时失去站稳的能力，身体立即不受控制向前倒下。

我已跌倒无数次，身体在潜意识里也懂得怎么跌，才会让身体承受最低的伤害。向前倒下，身体却会及时把重心摆向右大腿，让右大腿到膝盖旁上方的部位承受倒下的撞击。这部分撞伤后，让背后可以缓缓躺在地上。就是说，这件意外发生后，我是平躺在地上，而面向夜空。刚开始，会以为只是扭伤了筋，却不知道左腿大骨已经断开。事发后不久，有两名印度同胞把我扶起来坐在地上，但那剧烈的疼痛让我迅速躺下。我打电话跟妈妈求救，后来被家人送入医院。

起初是送进了政府医院，因为有残障卡，住院与动手术都全免。可惜因为疫情严重，医院没有医生可以及时帮我动手术，才转入专科医院。安排到我在一月四日动手术，而这已经是最快了。在政府医院照X光，已痛得死去活来。后来他们说X光照得不清楚，必须照多一次，再次令我痛彻心扉。在病床上，只要稍微姿势不对，即会承受撕裂剧痛。这样承受如此般剧痛两天后，剩下的几天都已不须服用止痛药，因已经懂得怎么避免疼痛，还有也习惯那长时间的疼痛。

一月四日（星期一）进行手术。因长期服用锂，不能像其他人那样全身麻醉，麻醉师会担心我一旦被麻醉了会很难醒来。麻醉师为我进行了很复杂的局部麻醉，左脚24个小时，右脚6个小时，从背后脊椎那里注射麻醉以让下半身麻醉6个小时，至于上半身只是在手术时沉睡而手术后可以很快醒过来。麻醉师如此详细说明，过后我也确实如他所说的这样全部惊人般实现。加上是左大腿骨，开刀前还要摆个很高难度的姿势。侧睡在手术台上，整个左脚朝上，双手交叉与胸前，背后朝向一方，胸前朝向另一方，并非如一般人那样平躺。

手术顺利进行了，也在医院静养几天。手术后第二天即做了物理治疗，还学习怎么使用拐杖。根据物理治疗师的说法，要每日三次做某些物理治疗的动作，好让自己能尽快康复。一月八日出院了，目前在家里静养。

 2020-12-17

It's ironic that we accept the concept which emphasises "everyone is unique" but we all tend to follow the so called 'universal standard'. Surely it's unavoidable to compare ourselves with someone else. As a result, it always seems we are much worse than almost everyone. 

Besides, we already learned that comparison is the thief of joy but we still keep comparing. Why must we do all sorts of things to feel worse and worse? Not only for mental illness people, even for the majority also would fall into the same trap. They keep saying that happiness is very important but keep doing things which make them feel terribly depressed. Why? Most probably being the best in every aspect is the root cause of happiness for such people. The cruel fact is, who could really be the best? 

Please stop compare with people. Human beings are imperfect, and hence never ever tend to be perfect. And also, imperfection is the true perfect. A good example is, if a pianist play a piano piece with all the notes 100% correct and timing 100% correct and all the expressions 100% correct, the piano piece is not perfect at the end. Why so? Who wants to listen to a piano piece which sounds 100% robotic?! In brief, 100% perfect is 100% NOT perfect at all!

I accept myself to be truly imperfect, having such a mental illness gave me a dead sentence to be a perfectionist. However, it also saves me from being a perfectionist, it gives me freedom for NOT being a perfectionist. I used to be a perfectionist, and wanted everything to be 100% perfect. At the same, I was suffering hard for having such a thought. 

And now, I have a different standard than other people, never compare with the people but myself only. It's really great to compete and be better than my old self in the past!

 2020-12-16

这些日子都活在痛苦里，相信这不舒服的感觉会一直持续到圣诞节前几天才结束。运动可以有效地除去这痛苦的滋味，导致我几乎天天运动。可是有时候，那疼痛感会突然加剧，会痛到头皮麻痹，加上胸口会有沉重的压抑感。

会过去的，我不断地安慰自己。可以习惯这痛楚吗？至少一年重复两次，每次都长达几个星期。这苦楚并不定时，大约是四月某日和十二月某日。记得自己崩溃时，大量吸着烟和喝了许多啤酒，似乎努力地麻醉自己。当时除了感到浓浓的不安全感，还有内心极度的澎湃情绪之外，由于一直无法安眠，才大量用酒精和烟瘾来治愈就快崩裂的头。

难怪我要用相同的方法来消除疼痛吗？酒精与药物相冲，当我决定长期服用药物后就几乎滴酒不沾。吸烟呢？我确实尝试了，算是有效暂时消除疼痛，可是过后会更加疼痛。或许抽烟治愈痛楚相等于服用安眠药来对付失眠吧。曾经在精神崩溃康复后，在某一段时间服用着安眠药，好让自己能好好入睡。肯定可以好好入睡，但是睡醒了会觉得好困，无法在早晨时精神焕发。

简言之，服用安眠药和抽烟是不自然疗愈方式，其效果肯定不佳，还会对身体造成伤害。到目前为止，只发现运动和音乐是自然疗愈法。运动时释放的多巴胺，确实可以有效消除痛楚。抒情音乐，可以缓和以及平复情绪。这时候精神状况不好，很容易打盹，所以必需多多歇息。

 2020-11-24

About disclose, it's quite an important topic for mental illness people. When should we disclose it? How we disclose it? Should we really want or have to disclose it to someone?

It's terribly addictive to share whatever we have to people. It does feel good when we share it but never satisfy. It's like we were trying to scratch our itchy part and always fail scratching at the right spot. Most of the times we might feel frustrated how come other people hardly or never understand us. Some people did their very best in understanding us, we gratefully knew it but sigh... Ya, you know what I mean, it seemed they couldn't help much. 

Actually it's fine, we should never ever expect someone really understands us. It really not a necessity anyway. To be honest, do you really fully understand yourself? Do you really know what you really want? Do you have all your plans clearly stated and know your ultimate targets? I don't know. Really, I don't really know all these. It's doesn't matter! 

So. what is the most important thing for us? A sound mind. We must make sure that we are having a sound mind. We are not super humans, not demi gods, and never super-human. Besides, we are not rubbish, not useless ones, and never redundant human beings. Stop going to the extreme from one end to the other end and keep having a sound mind. 

Back to the topic today. As for myself, I'd stop sharing my illness problems to anyone. No more! Whatsoever, if it's really necessary, then I might disclose it but not simply share it anymore.   

 2020-11-23

身为精神病患者，会不知觉渴望有双肯聆听的耳朵。当遇见某个比较谈得来的朋友，即会向某人透露自己的病情。其实这作为是极度不可取的，因为聆听是一回事，拥有高强的同理心又是另一回事。毕竟许许多多的人都不具备所谓高强的同理能力，而这样贸贸然向某人倾诉，只会让自己受到不必要的伤害。

难道是他或她故意伤害我们吗？当然不！心肠稍微好的人士都很想伸出援手，可惜有能力助之者却微乎其微。盲目找人倾述只是另一种瘾，开始感觉良好但总无法持久。我奢望对方怎么样呢？解决方案是完全徒然的，能找到真正了解我的人也近乎不可能。换言之，难道要全然封闭吗？万万不可！绝对不可以把自己与他人残酷隔离。那么这准绳又怎么拟定呢？老实说，我仍在探索。

他人的体谅比较重要，还是能公正与他人竞争更重要呢？他人的谅解又要达到什么程度呢？与他人有尊严地竞争又怎么达到理想的公正呢？谁有权力拟定，而谁能让大家都遵行响应呢？可惜都没有，让我觉得无助和近乎绝望。无论如何，真正关心我的人是存在的且有不少这样的人士。想说的是，他们很多时候更觉得无助与无奈，不知道可以怎么样好好帮我。一定要好好珍惜与疼爱这些恩人，衷心感谢他们的不离不弃。

仍然觉得非常的不甘心，依然痛恨这摸不着边际的无助与无奈。因着这些人士的爱与关怀，我怎么样都不可以放弃。除此之外，还要好好学习爱自己，宽容自己在此时仍无法找到答案。