"26th May 2016"

This is life, always full of unexpected troubles which are far beyond your imagination. I purposely applied for a full day leave to submit everything for applying a part time PhD course at a university. I really thought I have fully prepared everything as required. Unfortunately, the admissions office of the university still wants something more.

I understood that it's always a tough task to apply for a course at a university but I did not expect it could go beyond my ability. For my master course in the UK, I had spent for a long time to deal with all sorts of headache procedures and successfully went through every single procedure. Remember that I went to the UK Embassy in Malaysia to apply for a student visa, I went there not once but 4 times. When I was there, I overheard the conversation between a lady with an officer there, "How many times I have to come here to sort out all these things? I already came here for over 10 times!" Wow, for over 10 times! Obviously I was much luckier than the lady. 

It's really absurd that the admissions office of the university has doubts with my official transcripts from the university I studied in the UK. It ends up with the university wants verification from my previous university that the results shown in my transcripts are true. I thought this should be their responsibility to make sure that my results are true by requesting my previous university themselves. For example, someone goes for interview and the person submits his certifications to the company. Does the person has to get verification from the university or the administration office of the company checks for it? I have no questions that all my photocopies are needed to be certified but surely not verification of my original official transcripts. 

Whether I would have the chance to study in the university is still an unknown. I have done everything I could and waiting for the feedback from my previous university. Anyway, as I have said in the first line, this is life and anything might happens.   

《二零一六年五月二十四日》

前天参加了大学同学会，只有大约二十位同学出席。由于我的科系只有我一个人，所以不认识所有出席的同学们。虽然如此，因为大家都曾经待在英国的某个城市里，所以很容易找到共同的话题。

当聚会近乎结束，举办人在我们当中挑选了几位做委员。我是委员之一，负责运动事项。在聚会里见到某个腼腆的女生，她长得挺漂亮的，在聚会里几乎不说话。奇怪的是，当举办人在干啥（WhatsApp）里把所有出席者加入一个组合里，这位女生在里面仿佛变成了另一个人，变得很活泼又写了很多很多东西。后来她自己告诉大家原因，原来她的左耳几乎听不见，去了英国回来后，右耳也开始失聪。难怪她在现实生活与社交媒体里判若两人，我一度怀疑在社交媒体里的她是不是另一个人。这位女生告诉大家此事后，感觉受到了伤害，认为大家排斥智障人士（是她自己在面子书里说她智障）。

其实她并不是智障人士，只是属于残缺人士。事实是，精神病患者也属于残缺人士。因为某个残缺，让我们在社会里被边缘化。根据时下的定义，身体上的残缺，那些看得见的残缺，才算是残缺人士。至于失聪，大家总以为戴上助听器即可以解决问题，但根据她的言词，并非如此简单。精神病患者不说，相信他人都不知道，只可以察觉我们的情绪比较古怪。殊不知，我们往往无法掌控好情绪，过分兴奋和极度沮丧都不怎么可以控制得住。很多时候，都处于哑巴吃黄连的状况。

这世界不是天堂，社会也不是福利中心，大家同样不欠我们什么，人人没有义务一定要同情我们。为什么我们须要大家的同情呢？因此在心灵建设上，必需更坚强，也必需更积极与阳光。好好生活，快乐生活，带给社会与世界最真心与诚恳的能量。

"19th May 2016"

Maybe one day I would have my own family ideally a wife with two sons but most probably I have to stay alone till my last day on earth. No one knows and no one could be so sure about their future whatsoever. It's in fact a great failure for me to sustain a relationship with a lady. My bad temper easily ruins any relationships. 

It's not what I wanted but during depression state and manic state the uncomfortable feeling in me pushes me to the area of rage. I might say or do something which I do not want. Guilt feeling follows after I am back to myself again but I cannot turn back anymore to undo what I have already done. It's tiring for me to keep saying sorry to everyone around me. It's instead a great mess which I can never tidy up. 

As if it is a good excuse for me to do anything I want regardless of responsibility and courtesy. As if everyone I know must forgive me because I have such an illness. As if the world owes me something and it must pay me back. Of course NOT! Definitely NOT! Absolutely NOT! 

I was truthfully sincere for all the relationships with everyone and all my family members, relatives and friends are precious for me. They are so valuable as if pearls in my heart. I might not talk to them and might not see them but they are always being well kept in my heart. Sometimes I choose to isolate myself because I do not want to hurt them with my words and actions which are not from me. 

《二零一六年五月十七日》
昨晚遭到爸爸和姐姐的谴责，在处理感情方面不够圆滑和灵巧。我没有为自己争辩，只是忍耐着静静聆听。知道自己有错，不过那沮丧又疼痛的情绪，他们是否能了解？长达四十九天的忧郁期结束了，从三月二十六日至五月十三日，可是昨天却经历短暂但有能力将心灵撕裂成两半的负面情绪。

家人的劝勉都是好意，不过每字每句都像刀子在我身上切割，一刀一刀地割着肉体，仿佛经历了一场凌迟。听了后躲在房里，躺在床上聆听着一些可以缓和心情的歌曲，泪水不自觉流下，安静地哭了一场。哭了后稍微睡了一会儿，再次走出了房间。毕竟若让自己伤心太久，家人会担心。无论如何，必需继续勇敢生活。

当然希望有人陪伴，开心时可以一起分享，让开心的情绪增加一倍；伤心时可以找人倾诉，让伤心的情绪减半。但是这件事是可欲不可求的，如果有肯定应当感恩，但假如没有也要学习如何好好一个人生活。

"13th May 2016"

After 3 attempts to build a relationship with a gal, I'm still alone by myself. Everyone tells me that two is better than one, even my relatives were busy looking someone for me. If my relatives and mother know I do not have a girlfriend, they will definitely start the looking process again. Maybe this is the reason I prefer not to tell any of them at the moment. 

Is it necessary to have a wife and children? I was in this condition for such a long time. Now these days, boys will normally have girlfriends in their twenties or as teenagers, and some even have girlfriends when they study in kindergartens. Do I still want to be with someone or stay in this condition for the rest of my life? Yes, I do feel lonely sometimes. It is true also I feel jealous when I see other guys are happy with their wives and children. Of course I yearn to have a wife and at least a son, my own son. I wish I can provide them a safe and sweet haven, and I want to teach my son everything I know. Maybe this is just a dream, I even dreamed that I was traveling to a place with my son, a handsome and adorable son with a weird temper like me, and I knew he was my son because he called me 'papa' in the dream. When I was walking on the street of Nottingham, I saw a father cycling and fetching his son, his son was so excited and giggling all the way, and I was amused by the sound of his giggling. 

As I have written in one of my previous posts, it is already not easy to have a normal and healthy lifestyle under such a severe mental illness. The painful feeling in me almost reach over the limit that I can bear, and I weep easily under such a moment. I'm still having a sound mind, most probably I'm still under medication obediently.  

《二零一六年五月十二日》
原本打算这星期不要写部落格，想等心情比较好的时候才写。通常我的忧郁期只长达一个月，不过直到今天已四十九天，心情仍然不住沮丧。跟那位小镇姑娘一起，并没有让我不再心情低落。可是跟她断绝来往后，再次的感情破裂却似乎延长了忧郁期。

其实我只需要让步，跟她的感情就可以继续下去，可是我无法欺骗自己，毕竟对她没有丝毫感觉。当时是她主动联络我，而我努力尝试去喜欢她。由于很重视个人的自由空间，对于她缺乏安全感而对我的处处限制感到莫名厌倦。她不允许我在好友面前提起她和她的姐妹淘，若她同样不会在她的姐妹淘面前提起我，那么我真的会同样如此行。没有告诉她我的精神问题，因为不想她有不必要的担忧。事实是，无论我处于任何状况，生活依然可以继续过下去。

还以为遇到一位个性比较温柔的女生，可惜他的个性是三位里最倔强的那一位。在营会里只对一位女生有好感，可是跟她一起会觉得很痛苦。虽然有精神问题，但同样是人，还有保存着那一丁点儿的尊严。怎么搞得自己好像一个乞丐，紧随着她，祈求她会对我怜悯，赐予我一丝丝的爱？难道要爱得如此委屈？至于今年的第一位，她确实是三位里最本事的女子。我没有信心解决她对我的隐忧，加上跟一起会感到压力，所以选择了放弃。

家人还不知道我跟小镇姑娘已经断绝来往。心疼妈妈还沉醉在梦里，因她渴望我早日成家，还有为她生个孙子叫她奶奶。既然如此，我还是慢一些才把妈妈唤醒。

"6th May 2016"
I have to read again my previous post on 22nd April 2016 to continue writing this post. Due to the long lasting depression state, it has deteriorated my immune system and I'm having flu right now while writing this post. Once my depression state ends, I'll recover immediately.

Although I've never told the lady from a small town that I have a serious mental illness problem, but under this emotionally painful situation, I have failed to sustain the long distance relationship. I long for freedom but she wants security. She forbade me to talk to other ladies from the single camp, I followed her request. She asked me to forget about the previous lady, I also tried my best to do it. When I was having dinner with one of my best friends, she even forbade me to talk about her and her friends with my friend. I replied her that if she'd never talked about me in front of her friends, then I would do the same. She was angry and told me to do whatever I wanted to do. Thus, I said, the standard that she applies on someone else, then the same standard shall be applied on her herself too. After that, no more message from her anymore.

I really cannot write to her any good and nice things during this moment. If I write something to her under such condition, my message will definitely sound harsh and terrible. Actually this is such a small issue and it's not a big deal. When two people be together, we must learn how to compromise. After I visited her at her hometown, I knew she will never move to my city if she is really serious about our relationship. She's a teacher and she can request to change to another school but she will not do so. When I brought her to my aunt's house, my aunt asked her about whether she would change to another school but she said she preferred to stay at her hometown. When she was teaching somewhere around my city for a year, she traveled back home weekly.

Maybe it's time for me to have a good rest. Whatsoever, I already get used to living by myself. It's good to have a life partner, and it's good to be alone too.

  

《二零一六年五月三日》
当忧郁期一直持续着的时候，感觉好像永远，永远沉静在永无止境的冬季里。参加一百零五公里的铁马赛，骑着骑着，竟然花了近乎四个小时才能完成！在这过程里，可以让我忘却了疼痛，那缠绕在心灵里难以形容的疼痛。

那铁马赛在夜晚，才睡了两个多小时，第二天一早醒来，就匆匆忙忙地赶去南马的一个小市镇，因为那女子住在那里。我驾车不快，花了三个小时才到她的家。在当天又回到自己的住处，由于公共假期，加上有好几辆车子撞在一起，结果驾了四个小时才回到家。幸好昨天是补假，所以可以睡得充足。

跟那女子的关系，还是属于好朋友的阶段。在大家的眼里，我们已经是一对情侣，可是我未成对她有任何表白。她说，她要时间来了解我，我就傻乎乎地给予她时间。有个哥们问我，对她有没有感觉，我却无法正面回答他的问题。此时的我，对任何事情都失去了兴趣。外人看不出来，甚至就连父母亲也不知道，因为生活作息还是正常地进行着，一切看起来都那么平常。

只是知道，任何事物都要妥善完成，答应了他人的事情，都要尽力完成。纵然感觉似乎随时都会倒下，只要还有一丝气息，务必做好所有的事。很有纪律保持运动，同样拥有相同的态度来面对生活。一般人都会有一两天心情低落沮丧，他们只须要休息片刻，心情好了后又可以继续冲刺。可是我心情一低落沮丧，可以维持很长的时间，我可不能让自己处于邋遢的状况太长的时间，所以必须强逼自己勇敢面对生活。

累吗？真的很累。想放弃吗？很想。一直对自己说：“要加油！不要放弃！”