"13th May 2016"

After 3 attempts to build a relationship with a gal, I'm still alone by myself. Everyone tells me that two is better than one, even my relatives were busy looking someone for me. If my relatives and mother know I do not have a girlfriend, they will definitely start the looking process again. Maybe this is the reason I prefer not to tell any of them at the moment. 

Is it necessary to have a wife and children? I was in this condition for such a long time. Now these days, boys will normally have girlfriends in their twenties or as teenagers, and some even have girlfriends when they study in kindergartens. Do I still want to be with someone or stay in this condition for the rest of my life? Yes, I do feel lonely sometimes. It is true also I feel jealous when I see other guys are happy with their wives and children. Of course I yearn to have a wife and at least a son, my own son. I wish I can provide them a safe and sweet haven, and I want to teach my son everything I know. Maybe this is just a dream, I even dreamed that I was traveling to a place with my son, a handsome and adorable son with a weird temper like me, and I knew he was my son because he called me 'papa' in the dream. When I was walking on the street of Nottingham, I saw a father cycling and fetching his son, his son was so excited and giggling all the way, and I was amused by the sound of his giggling. 

As I have written in one of my previous posts, it is already not easy to have a normal and healthy lifestyle under such a severe mental illness. The painful feeling in me almost reach over the limit that I can bear, and I weep easily under such a moment. I'm still having a sound mind, most probably I'm still under medication obediently.