《二零一五年十一月三十日》

上个星期五感到很失落，午餐时间到书局看看，看到一本书——《你是否感受很多》，翻阅几面后心情更加落寞。回到公司里，脑袋里突然有灵感，哼唱了一首曲子，过后填上了歌词。这时候所创作的歌，肯定很悲惨。星期六把整首歌用钢琴谱上适当的伴奏，然后再把它写在乐谱上。昨天把整首歌完整唱出来，有了信心后把它录下来。结果唱着唱着，竟然让昨天一整天都觉得伤感，无法把自己从那首歌的意境里抽离出来。

情绪会失落，很多时候都在自己的控制之外。透过文字和音乐，内心的情感，可以很直接地表达出来。会觉得失落伤感，其实是有原因的。想参与某项义工，却担心他人会在乎自己的精神状况。选择老实把精神状况告诉对方，过程中却觉得莫名委屈。眼泪会不知觉从眼眶里涌出来，频频深呼吸来控制着情绪。过后透过创作，在周末期间，让情绪彻底沉醉在伤感里。很喜爱文字（无论中文或是英文），也很喜爱音乐，因这两者有舒缓内在情绪的功效。相信画画也有相同的功效，可惜我不善于画画。

相信精神病患者在生活中都会承受着一般人不明白的难题和困扰，加上过度的感受，会让痛苦无止境地放大。若感觉悲伤，可以透过恰当的管道来抒发。有些人会饮用过量的酒，有些人会拼命抽烟，甚至有人去吸毒来解脱，但这些做法都不负责任。以个人的经验，运动是最佳舒缓内在情绪疼痛的方法。当奔跑得双腿肌肉酸痛并且满身大汗，所有的负面情绪都可以大量减除。

“27th November 2015”

According to all the experts, mental illness people can have a normal lifestyle as long as we take our medication obediently. They suggest mental illness people to follow these three things: don’t stop our medication, consult our psychiatrists on time, and also talk to a therapist.

It’s common for those mental illness people in the West to talk to a therapist but it’s less common in the East. In my country, general hospitals do not have therapists. I’d had eight years of experience for not taking medication. During that time, when I consulted my psychiatrist, he almost didn’t know what to do. He even thought that I had been totally recovered. There are therapists in private hospitals. The fact is the consultation fee is awfully expensive.

For my own experience, it’s possible for bipolar disorder people to live without medication. However, you are under high risk of falling into a severe relapse. After 8 years for having no medication at all, when I was studying master in Nottingham, I went through critical mood swings from time to time. It was shockingly painful and almost hard to bear. I yearned to get a part time job but failed again and again. A subject that I thought could get a high mark ended up with a poor mark. Moreover, the tutor commented that I did not know how to write a report. The anger burned wildly in my heart. Not soon after, my mind had entered into the state of fuzziness.

Already one year and three months I’m under medication. Of course my mood still swings from time to time but the range is much smaller than when I was not under medication. When I was not under medication, the range could be up till mania to severe depression. All these while, my mood swings from hypomania to depression. It’s still not comfortable but much easier to bear.  I’m a stubborn guy and do not want to surrender and that was why I stood still for such a long time without medication.

Frankly speaking, I do not like to take medication. Every time I take it, it reminds me that I’m sick. When other people can donate their blood, I cannot do so because people cannot donate blood if they are under long term medication. It hurts my dignity for taking medication. Anyway, to have a normal life as others, I take it, I take it.

《二零一五年十一月二十六日》

当认识某个新朋友，跟他投契且见面时总有很多东西聊的时候，心里会很冲动想要告诉他我的精神问题。但是会担忧把对方吓坏了，所以还是压抑着不说。

之前那段短暂的爱情，家人都劝我不要告诉对方我的精神状况，可以的话，继续隐瞒下去。她是个完美主义者，对很多事情都有很高的要求。在她心目中，我竟然是个完美的男人。这令我极度不好受，因为这精神病确实是个缺陷。我尝试深入了解她，发现她很容易想不开，需要旁人的劝勉与开导。真的很想成为那位可以在她身旁一辈子扶持她的人，可是知道我将会成为她极大的烦恼。任何人都有优点和缺点，我很乐意接受她所有的缺点。最大的问题是，她喜欢钻牛角尖的个性，怎么能面对一位患有精神病的伴侣呢？苦思着这难题，发现真的没有法子，因为要改变一个人的个性太难，而我也无法让这精神病离开我。

得到一个残酷的结论，就是我必需放弃这段感情。跟她之间的感情发展得很迅速，近乎可能来个闪电结婚。可是这重大的难题，无论我多么不舍得，都必需放手。不想浪费她的青春，因为青春对女生们来说都很珍贵。是我主动提出分手的，扛下所有的指责，就连家人都认为我不应该这么轻易放手。坦白告诉她我的精神问题后，就提出了分手。她一而再，再而三想挽留，她说她不在乎我的精神病，想继续跟我一起。当时心很纠结，感到非常内疚和痛苦，可是她所渴望的安全感，是我一生一世都给不了的。硬着心肠坚决了立场，不管她怎么说都不理会。从那天开始到如今，我再也没有与她见面。

过后随之而来的，是第四和第五次的精神崩溃。内心承受太大的愧疚感，真的无法负荷！为了她好，我必需狠下心肠，虽然这样真的好痛。后来听说，她飞往另一个国家，在公司担任更高的职位。祝福她的事业，也祝福她能找到一位可以给予她安全感的男人。

"24th November 2015"
It's a rainny day today. While writing this post, it's still raining nonstop. I prefer sunny day, especially a bright yellowish sun in the clear blue skies. When I feel down, the ray of sunlight has the power to energies me.

Loneliness is common for those who live in the city. There are plenty of people along the street, in a shopping mall, any restaurant and etc., but still feeling lonely among the people. The feeling gets worse for mental illness people because I can understand other people, but no matter how hard I try, other people cannot understand me. This is really a big problem.

In my life till today, I just managed to have a short relationship with a lady. Our love relationship only lasted for a few months. I could generally understood her in a short period of time but she could hardly understand me. Moreover, I could tune to her channel in communicating with her but she didn't know how to do the same for me. One day she asked me a favour, could I help her to understand me and tune to my own channel? I'd had a great haywire for this request. How could someone understand a mental illness guy? It's almost impossible.

Never expect someone can really understand me because a mental illness guy's mind is far too complex. So what? Basically I'm true and honest to all my family members and friends. No need to understand me because while I'm having racing thoughts, I could think for a few things at the same time. All I want is, just be with me, by my side, it's already more than enough for me.

《二零一五年十一月二十四日》

在这现实的世界里，没有金钱、地位和名声，别人都不会注意你，也不会聆听你所说的一切，尽管你说得头头是道。可是那些拥有金钱、地位和名声的人士，不管他怎么说，听众都认为他说得非常有道理。

很现实的，我没有这些东西，所以不会奢望会有人来浏览我的部落格。当然不会抱着众人皆醉我独醒的心态，毕竟还要继续努力学习。残酷的事实是，一旦被医生标签为精神病患者，前方的路会变得严峻难行。其实严重的精神病患者（精神分裂症、躁郁症第一类型、重度忧郁症）应该属于残缺人士，但是一般的国家都不这么认为，而把残缺人士定义为眼睛所能察觉到的残缺，最明显的例子就是无法行动的人士。所以在很多的国家里，精神病患者都没有特别的福利，甚至很多私人机构都拒绝聘请精神病患者，即使被聘请了也不要去盼望能获得高薪和担任重要的职位。

在某间公司里当个普普通通的工程师，我从来不去过问同事们的月薪，也不会要求升职为高级工程师或主管，只会把手头上的任务安份地做好。说实话，心里会觉得不公平，很多时候即使表现优越也不会获得赏识。看到他人在生活上平步青云和一帆风顺，心里也会突然感到极度不平衡。这就是为何我会感到自卑，纵然情有可原却依然觉得在很多事情上都比不上别人，甚至有时会怀疑自己还算不算是人。所以自我接纳真的很重要，在自我肯定之前，需要完完全全接受自己。

各位精神病患者，尤其是患有严重的精神病患者，我们要一起加油！如果我们都不存在，世界必定会很枯燥。其实我们最大的优势，就是跳出框框思考，不受任何拘束。可是在这之前必需学习接纳自己，不要抱怨和自哀自怜。因为我们坚持默默地努力，更能激发群众好好地生活，好让世界变得美丽。

“20th November 2015”

Last night, I debated with a friend about predestined versus free will. My friend believes in predestined but I believe in free will. Although he’s generally a healthy guy with no mental illness but he always thinks that he has been made terribly with poor cells in his body. He thinks he has no choice but to accept the fact that he’s totally useless.

How come he has such a pessimistic thought? So, I tried to convince him that we do have free will in choosing what we want to be. Even though we might face troubles and obstacles outside, but in our heart we are still free to choose whatever we want. People might lock up our bodies in jails, but no one can ever lock up our minds. I remember when I did something bad in the ward here some nurses tightened me up in my bed for the whole day. I’d lost my freedom but my mind was still in a free state.

No one can control our mind if we never surrender to anyone or anything. My unstable mood will for sure affect my daily life. Unfortunately, it will definitely distort my mind in having hallucinations and hearing non-existed voices. How to have a healthy and normal life? It’s my choice to choose medication in order to stabilise my roaring mood. Most mental illness people would think that having medication is an action of disgrace. For me, I choose medication as a weapon for me to fight against the monster (roaring mood) in my heart. As long as the roaring mood is under control, I would have a clear mind to do anything I want to accomplish.

Free will is important. All of us have the power to change something in the world with our free will. The power behind the free will is hope. Do not lose hope in life. Without hope, we are just walking dead or zombies in the world.

《二零一五年十一月十九日》
星期六和星期天将会跟一群朋友们去某个华人村庄的小学里办学生营。据说，有大约百多名小学生参与此学生营。曾经在华小做过临时教师，前前后后做了半年的临教，希望可以再次跟小孩子们融洽地相处。

之前写到独立思考，这确实是很深又伤脑筋的课题。当经历无数次的精神崩溃后，仿佛自己曾坚守的信念全都是错误。在意志力非常低迷，加上心情无比沮丧的时候，好像所有的个人想法都出了问题。在那个时候，身体的功能也失调，严重便秘和轻微失禁。同时背负内心的沉重和身体的羞耻状况，突然软弱得像个不知所措的小孩子。

那个时候到处看医生，包括了精神科医生和泌尿科医生。后来醒悟，原来是精神方面的紧绷导致身体失调。学习放松了心情，努力上健身房运动，身体再次恢复成以往的状况。健康恢复后，才拥有信心去重建思维。要有怎样的思维，才可以让换上精神疾病的我，可以好好生活呢？

这就是我写此部落格的几个原因之一。想记录当下的思想，还有在遭遇不同的事故后所启发的想法。虽然这精神疾病让我无法控制情绪的起伏，但是依然坚信有自由选择的权利，而我选择了积极地生活下去。

“17th November 2015”

My superiors knew my mental health condition so that they would not assign tough and stressful tasks to me. The pro is I do not need to work for long hours and standby 24 hours for a week. The con is I lack of opportunity to advance in my career. When all the juniors became senior engineers, I remain as engineer.

I have to get to bed early at night so that I have sufficient sleeping time. Other people might stay awake during the night time but I cannot follow them because this might triggers my mood in having a manic state. When other people can have alcoholic drinks and get drunk, I also cannot follow them because I’ll fall into a long depressed state. My mother reminds me to take medication every night because she worries I might have a relapse and must be admitted into a ward.

Actually I still wish to get a job in Nottingham and settle down there. It’s a beautiful city for me. Unfortunately, my parents strongly disagree with it because I had two severe relapses in Nottingham. Anyway, I had another three severe relapses here but they think that it’s much better to be with them. Lack of freedom and the ability to be independent are another two weaknesses.

All the bad points seem so discouraging. Whatsoever, a strong will is necessary in having a happy and healthy lifestyle. Other people can follow the world view about success but I follow another standard. Oranges can never be compared with apples, moreover I’m neither orange nor apple but lemon.

《二零一五年十一月十六日》
建立属于自己的独立思想很重要，因为有很多东西都跟他人的想法不同。曾经觉得极其无助的时候，一直想找人聊天，渴望透过聊天来医治内心的无助感。他人可以给予很多的意见和想法，可惜所有的方法都没有用。

本来有一位干妈，但因为有段时期太麻烦她而导致她厌烦不已。不久后，她告诉我，她不再是我的干妈，还嘱咐我永远不要再骚扰她。因为如此，我失去了一位干妈。相信有不少朋友们，在那段时间也选择了离开我。事到如今，我没有责怪他们，毕竟都是自己的错。

从这些事件中学习到，当心情极度无助的时候，不要去打扰任何人。很多时候，只需要静静休息片刻，无助与不安的情绪就可以缓和下来。当四处不断寻找人诉苦，更加让负面的情绪无限期延伸。

要有怎样的独立思考？这题目可以分享很多。今天主要想说的，是必需有个坚强的信念，相信一切不好的都会过去。

“12th November 2014”

When I started this blog, I already expected that no one would leave me a message. Those who write me a message would be assumed that they must have mental illness problems too. Moreover, I myself also do not expose my true name. Anyway, I’m grateful that more and more people are reading my blog. I do not know who you are but I’m appreciated to everyone who views my blog.

Generally, psychiatrists encourage all the mental illness patients to mingle with the ordinary people in the world. Of course it would be much easier for us to stay close with other mental illness patients but we are advised to stay away from other patients. We have been advised to keep our illness as a secret because the majority people might isolate us. As I’ve noticed, the media likes to label us as ‘dangerous people’. When mental illness people committed a crime, the media would like to emphasise that he or she did so because he or she has mental illness problems. Even the actual fact is, the rate for ordinary people to commit a crime is much higher, but most people still prefer that mental illness people are more dangerous.

I might have a normal and routine lifestyle as most people but undeniable I have much lower self esteem. The approval and acceptance of other people seems so important to me. Unconsciously I might overdo something to get such approval. It is really bad for mental health in doing so. Thus I hold still to some principles so that I can live comfortably. Those principles are: no to alcoholic drinks, get to bed at the same time daily, take medicine on time every night, exercise regularly, rest without guilt once I feel tired, and just be myself.

It was a pleasant company trip to Taiwan and it was fun to get along with all my colleagues. Actually it was easy to stay together with people. Just be myself and other people would accept who I am. When they asked me question which I did not know how to answer, for example why I have a master degree but work as an engineer only in this company, I just have to smile and no need to say a word. No need to answer honestly that I have a permanent mental illness and hence cannot handle a stressful job. For sure it would be an awkward silence after this because most people do not know how to react. Whatsoever, life is still good. 

《二零一五年十一月十一日》
去台湾的公司旅游，算是一个愉快的旅行。幸好有机会参与其他四个职员，跟他们凑成一个小组而走在一起。其中有两个才刚认识的，不过不会感到生疏见外。

大致上，我比他们年长大约八九岁，但所幸他们没有询问我的年龄。之前到诺丁汉读硕士的时候，身旁的室友们都比我年轻十二岁或以上，可是仍然可以跟他们和好相处。当其中一位刚认识的同事知道我拥有硕士学位，也略懂一些日文，他竟然问我为何要留在此公司，应该做符合我能力的职业。这是我最害怕回答的问题，只好微笑略过。不能老实回答他，我有精神问题，所以不能做太压力的工作。

由于脑袋荷尔蒙的不协调，极可能在同时也大大降低了老化的速度。我的外貌看起来比实际年龄年轻，他人无法准确猜测我的年龄。这算是此疾病的优点吧！可是背后需要承受字句无法形容的心灵疼痛。当我把学士学位所拍的照片跟硕士学位的相片放在一起的时候，两张照片的拍摄时间相距十年，但连我自己都会搞错哪一张是学士还是硕士。

在旅行时，妈妈会嘱咐我别忘了服药，而我也坚守着滴酒不沾和早睡的生活操守。旅行时很多时间都要坐在巴士上，所以可以趁着那个时候来多休息。身旁的座位放着同事们的背包，避免了一路上长时间说话聊天。容易感到疲倦，是服用精神药物除了极容易肥胖之外的普及副作用。所有药物都有副作用，还是得安然接受。

四天三夜，一个很短暂的旅行，不过确实过得相当开心。喜欢跟同事们聚在一起，比一个人在客户的公司工作，真的快乐许多。

"6th November 2015"
Later in the afternoon, I'll fly to Taiwan. It's a 4 days 3 nights company trip in Tapei, Taiwan. This is my first time to that place.

Fortunately, body health has been fully recovered. Even could swim for 17 laps in the morning. Need to exercise regularly to control my body weight. The information about Epilim is really scary. There are cases that patients who take the pills have increased their weights about 20 kgs. I couldn't imagine myself for that and will do whatever I can to lose weight.

I wouldn't bring much money for the trip because generally my company will provide almost everything. Just hope that it'll be a fun trip!

《二零一五年十一月五日》
明天下午，我将参与经理和同事们，一起飞往台湾的台北旅行。从未去过台湾，只透过电视节目来了解当地的文化。这大约四天三夜之旅，没有寄予什么期盼，只是以一颗平常心去看待。

原本计划跟父母和弟弟去台湾旅行，不过因为公司突然宣布这项全体职员旅游而展延了。当然跟家人或朋友旅行会比较自在，不过参与公司去旅行，可以省下很多钱，所以还是要开开心心去游玩。换了些新台币，足够支付一餐午餐和晚餐，还有买一些手信给家人和朋友。

两年前，曾有机会参与公司去泰国旅行，不过由于健康状况不好而婉拒了。健康确实好重要，失去了健康的体魄，什么事都无法做。姐姐说，健康是金钱数额里的第一个数字，无论后面有多少个零，若健康是‘零’，那么一切都是零。

“3rd November 2015”

A friend of mine, he always thinks that he’s useless. He is generally healthy without any serious illness at all. He graduated from a University in Scotland which has a good ranking in the world. Anyway, he always complains that he has no talents and abilities at all.

Why? How come he has such a thought? He should have plenty of things to be happy about but he says he feels bad most of the time. I suspect he might get depression but he denies it straight away. Even suspect he might have low testosterone but this really sounds weird. Maybe he already used to having such a thought. No one knows besides himself.

I suspect the main reason that I got high fever on last Thursday was due to him. I was thinking of ways in helping him. After I fell sick, I told my mentor through email about him. My mentor replied me that he seems like a sulky kid and this is normal for a middle age man. He further advised me that I could try to help him but never have high expectation.

In fact, I would think that one can never get cured if he himself never thinks that he has problems. State of denial, it is tough to get over it too. 

《二零一五年十一月二日》
生日的第二天，身体感到有些疲倦。结果下班后，有些感冒的症状。没有看医生，一早醒来依然去上班。回到家的时候，走起路来毫无力气。测一测体温，竟然高达摄氏三十九度！

不想看医生，希望吃了退热药可以康复。辛苦了妈妈，她几乎整夜没有睡，用湿毛巾来擦我的额头。整晚的体温，徘徊在摄氏三十九度左右。周末一早去看医生，医生竟然还怀疑我可能患上了骨痛热症。幸好吃了医生所开的药后，体温逐渐下降。到星期天早上，已经恢复了正常的体温。

主要原因不想看医生，是因为不想吃抗生素的药。今天是第三天服用抗生素，也是最后一天，身体感到莫名虚弱。明天会回到健身房，一定要把身体锻炼好！