“27th October 2015”

I’ve found my element.  Actually I knew it long time ago. My piano teacher advised me to be a piano teacher because she saw I had talent in this field. My uncle advised me to study more in Chinese language because he said I could write well and I would be happy to do so. No doubt, playing piano and writing Chinese are my favourites. However, I could let go of piano lesson and Chinese language for telecommunication.

During my second year in Electronics and Computing Engineering, I had the chance to study telecommunication. I had no idea about telecommunication before. The moment I studied this subject, I was so sure in my heart that I would like to study more about it for my entire life. I started my piano lesson when I was 12 years old and I’d had grade 8 in theory and practical (ABRSM) when I was 21 years old. I was still learning piano while I was studying the engineering course. Moreover, I was preparing to get a diploma in teaching for piano during my second year in university. Once I knew that I had the chance to further my studies in Nottingham Trent University for my final year in engineering course, I was willing to let go the chance in getting a diploma in teaching for piano.  

After 9 years, I had taken out all of my money to study master course in Nottingham Trent University. I had to return to the university because no other universities would accept me. Before my final year exam in my degree course, I had a severe breakdown. Although I was able to complete my course, but I only got second lower class for my bachelor degree. For all the universities, the basic requirement in doing a master course was at least a second upper class for your bachelor degree. This time, I had completed the master course with pass in commendation but before I started writing my thesis, I admitted psychiatrist ward for two months.   

Tomorrow will be my birthday. My dream is to study PhD about telecommunication next year. I will study a part time PhD course and hence it will definitely take a long time to complete it. I wish I will get my PhD successfully.  

《二零一五年十月二十七日》
明天是我的生日，转眼间就过了那么多年。精神崩溃的时间是短暂的，不过康复之旅程却很漫长。有一样东西，必需持续坚持的，是我依然还有梦想。

梦想是一个很大的推动力，它推动着我继续向前迈进。曾经放下一切，到英国的诺丁汉修读硕士学位，主要是为了完成梦想。当时孤注一掷，渴望一切能顺心顺意。可惜那条路太艰辛，最终依然再次精神崩溃。发现一旦精神崩溃，一两年之内会轻易再度复发。相隔一年后展开一段恋情，因为恋情失败而进入精神病院两回。其实已经尽了最大的努力以平伏内心澎湃的情绪，可惜还是无法按奈得住。

离开了病院，又过了一年多，不敢急忙展开下一步，是因为不想再次入院。还执着于什么梦想呢？我希望在电讯的领域里能有少少贡献。计划明年开始修读博士学位，用工作后的时间来修读。知道这不容易，因为要坚持一段很长很长的时间。无论如何必定会进行，因为这是我的梦想。

“23rd October 2015”

There is a need to redefine the meaning of success. What is success? Having a high status in a professional career? Could earn high income? Married with children? It seems like all these things are necessary to be a standard successful guy according to the world’s viewpoint.

The fact is I do not have all these things with me. So, does it mean I’m looser in the world? It is a materialistic world outside and most of the people are trying all their best in order to grasp as much money as possible. Even though people know that money can never buy happiness but they are willing to be a slave of money. I don’t mean that money is not important, just want to voice out that money shouldn’t be our first priority in life.

For me, success means you have the ability to achieve what you love to do with all of your passion. Your dream is important. A man without a dream is a walking dead. Anyhow, I put love (relationship with family and friends) as my first priority. My dream is located at the second rank. How about number 3 and 4? I don’t know. Maybe I would like to put money as number 5.  

《二零一五年十月二十三日》
昨晚跟朋友们聚餐，来欢庆我们成功完成了铁人三赛运动。其中两人与我同龄，他们结了婚和有了孩子，事业上也颇有成就。在他们当中，会感到莫名的自卑。他们其中一人结了晚餐的账单，另一位则结了在酒吧里的账单。由于服药的关系，我不能喝酒，所以在他们当中更显得怪异。

对我而言，整个聚餐的时光并不愉快。脑袋里盘旋和思索着该与他人所聊的话题，脸上尽量保持着恰当的微笑。他们谈论着价值非凡的自行车，那是我付不起的价钱。他们谈论着孩子，我没有孩子。他们谈论着工作，我只是一名普通的工程师。他们谈论着菲佣，我的家请不起佣人。事实是，我跟他们处于全然不同的世界。

按着世界的主流观点，他们都是典型的成功男人。相比之下，我是失败的那一位。唉，不应该这样想。像我这样的人，还可以大方地参与在他们当中，确实拥有了不起的勇气。他们很多方面都比我好，但是我也有我的长处。

"18th October 2015"
Just bought a book yesterday: "Finding Your Element" by Ken Robinson. Feeling lost suddenly, no idea which way to move forwards. If I move towards such road, will I be regretted after some years?

Actually I've frozen all my plans for a year. When I step into the year of 2016, I have to start all my plans. It's good to stop for a while, but the time cannot be too long. One year is good enough in thinking about the future.

Every thing will be fine. Last time when I was in Nottingham, a roommate used to tell me so. Yeah, have to have an optimistic mind for such a move.

《二零一五年十月十七日》
最近在忙着打扫房子，整理着房间，看到以往留下的东西，心里突然有很深的感触。加上选播一些很久没听的CD，过去很多很多画面，会一幕幕出现在脑海里。那段日子是怎么走过来的？有很多时候都站在悬崖的边缘，几乎要掉下去了，甚至连自己都认为不可能继续。

最可怕的一次，是服了药，感到极度晕眩。双手压在马桶想呕吐，但是马桶忽然爆裂，尖锐的瓷砖插入颈项进到嘴里。妈妈被这一幕吓呆了，爸爸感到不知所措，就连弟弟也不知道该打电话给谁求助。妈妈大声哭嚎着，说道：“天啊，为什么我的儿子要经历那么问题？”后来有救伤车把我送进医院急救，所幸没有被破碎的瓷砖插入颈项的动脉，若是如此肯定会流血过多而死。那一次，是我离开死亡最接近的一次经历。

把大部份的东西都整理整齐和干净后，会思索着接下来的日子该怎么继续过。到书店买了一本书，希望能透过那本书找到某些灵感和讯息。虽然阻碍很多，遇到不少逆境，但是依然想追寻内心深处的梦想。

“13th October 2015”

On Saturday, I joined the triathlon sprint distance at Port Dickson. It was my first triathlon. Actually I already made my payment to join the same event last year but couldn’t make it due to just discharged from the ward.

Due to medication, my body weight has been increased about 10 kg. Even though I exercise more than last time, my body weight remains the same. I'd told my psychiatrist about this issue, and he decreased my dose to the minimum. However, the medicine has the power to slow down the metabolism process. If I stop my medication, body weight will drop 10 kg in about 2 to 3 months. For other patients who do not exercise regularly, their body weight might be increased about 20 kg. Frankly speaking, this is really scary!

Besides, due to medication, everything becomes tasty. Unintentionally, people taking this medication will eat more. This is the main reason for body weight gains. Thus, besides exercise regularly, I have to control my diet too. Hopefully my body weight will drop, and I can do better for the next triathlon in the near future.

《二零一五年十月十二日》
在现实世界里生活，学习如一般人平常过日子。其实并不难，只是心里会偶尔抗拒，希望以另一种方式生活。

脑袋里不间断出现各种各样的怪异想法，而内在会有股冲动想要跟随。是否日子太苦闷了呢？还是不甘于平凡？在崩溃康复初期极度渴望平凡，但日子平凡久了却向往可以过得不平凡。

网站里充斥着许多稀奇古怪的事件，有很多很多人类无法解释的谜题。沉溺在其中，只是让自己处于一个没有出口的迷宫里。会对某些迷离的事件继续观察，但通常都在等待，等待着事情将有更多的扑朔迷离。

个人相信，精神病患者都会比较执着，执着于一些其他人无法了解的事情。要放弃这些想法不容易，却成功说服自己不要越陷越深。曾经相信自己与怪异的事件有所连接，也因此做了不少古怪的事。后来挑战了自己，与自己对话，“如果这些事情是真的话，那么应该会有更多线索。”有了这样的想法，停止了一切怪异的行为，默默等待更多的线索。

按着常理来想，这些事情是不可能有线索的，到后来只是白等一场。至少如此的等待，可以成功终结所有的怪异行为。唯有这样，才可以安静下来，过着平凡又安宁的日子。

"7th October 2015"

Am I able to make my own decision? Yes, I am able to do so. Other people would think that people with mental disabilities are unable to make their own decision. Surely, I need hope and dignity to stay on. No one ever wants to be treated unjustly but people with mental disabilities often experience such case.

When we travel by plane to another country, we have to fill in a form about our health. There is a question which I do not like to answer. It’s some sort of, “Do you have mental illness?” Normally, I just tick no because my mental health is currently under control. The media conveys that mental illness people are dangerous. Movies also convey the same message to the audience for example the recent movie in theatre “The Visit”.  In the movie, mental illness people are psycho and so we have to stay away from them.

I remember when I was in a lift and a boy talked to his parents with terror in his eyes, “Oh, this floor is for the mental illnesses.” My friends visited me while I was in a ward. They brought me to walk around and I met such a little boy. Even though there is a statistic which states that mental illness people normally tend to harm themselves and those without mental illnesses are more dangerous but most of the people still think that mental illness people are psycho.

Actually there are a lot of people with mental illnesses but they prefer to keep it a secret because the society cannot accept us. Homosexual people fight in high spirit to get all the rights they want. They even have gay pride demonstration yearly so that more and more people would accept them. I think to myself, could mental illness people do the same thing? The number of mental illness people for sure a lot more than the homosexual group.

Could we, stand together to fight for a better life? Anyhow, before that, I have to make sure that my mental health is under control. I can perform as good as other employees in my company. I can be a good son to take care of my parents. 

《二零一五年十月六日》
最近家里油漆，而那气味很刺鼻，甚至刺激了脑袋，造成夜晚很难入眠。幸好还可以入睡，不然一定要服用医生所给予的安眠药。

睡眠对躁郁症病患者非常重要。没有足够的睡眠，会引发躁症发作。若连续两三天没有睡觉，身体将乏力不堪以致陷入崩溃状况。个人的经验，每一次精神崩溃都有好几天无法入睡。不知道为何身体突然精力充沛，可以连续几天不睡觉都不会感觉疲惫。可是当身体过于疲劳，会立即昏睡过去。

每天夜晚十点半，就会准时躺在床上。养成了习惯后，天天都会在十点半之前想睡觉了。因为这精神状况，我无法二十四小时全天候戒备，像其他工程师那样，任何时间机器故障都要醒来解决。幸好上司能接受我这样的精神问题，没有因为这样而解雇我。但是也因为这样，没有办法升职，在电讯领域做了很多年还是一个普通的工程师。

赚得了全世界，输了健康又有什么意思呢？有这样的精神问题，还可以拥有一份稳定的职业，应该没有什么东西好埋怨了。

"2nd October 2015"

Once a while, I do like to stay in a dark room. I would switch off all the lights in my room and let the darkness surrounds me. It is like a cave for me when I need to stay away from the outside world.

It is only for a short time and do not last long. When I regain enough energy, I would open my door and go out into the world again. No idea how long for the depression state. It suddenly turns up and it goes away without a trace. It happens for so many times but I still have no clue at all.

During this period, I can still carry on all the daily activities and routines. I can even go to gym and perform as good as what I could achieve during normal state. No one can possibly notice the difference.

Anyhow, I cannot lie to myself. If I could, then I would really want to lie to myself. It’s like lacking of something inside, the kind of energy which I used to have suddenly disappears.  “Just move along,” I told to myself.

《二零一五年十月一日》
烟霾困锁着我居住的地方，想到外面运动都有困难。天时地利人和，很多事情好像都无法如愿。虽然心里想要这样，但是有很多其他的因素阻挡着，让某件事最终以失败收场。

以前是个完美主义者，希望样样事情都做得尽善尽美。老实说，那段日子真的活得好累好累。当精神崩溃之后，会思索这精神病是否与个性有关。有一段很长的时间没有服药，在心灵方面下了很大的功夫，以不同的思考方式去面对不同的精神状况。精神科医生曾警告我这么做很冒险，但我想试一试。结果面对一般的情况是可行的，若是人生里出现比较大的问题，那么确实束手无措。

最近的那次精神崩溃，是跟爱情有关。对方是个完美主义者，喜欢一切事情都完美无瑕。因此对于一些琐碎的事，她都耿耿于怀，不懂得如何放下。那个时候，我好想尽力改变她这种想法，可是她同时是个固执的人，坚持不让步。对她而言，我始终给予不了她要的安全感。加上她是个女强人，在职场上很成功，薪金比我高，而她希望我能找一份更高薪的职业。当时她不知道我的精神状况，不知道我无法承受太压力的工作。起初交往的时候，我很多事情都表现得很好，她也认为我是个近乎完美的男人。可是这样却让她很压力，她会担心她无法表现得如此美好。说实话，我从来不要求她表现得完美，只要她能轻松自在就好。由于她这样的个性，我了解她无法接受一个患有精神病的伴侣。有一天鼓起勇气告诉她我的精神状况后，同时与她断绝交往。知道这样很残酷，但因为在一起的时间不长，希望她能把我忘记，并祝福她找到能给予她安全感的男人。

我们分手后，知道她有段很沮丧的时期。她很坚强，收拾好心情后，去到另一个国家，做着更高的职位，当然有更高的薪金。而我，内心想好好放下这段感情，但是情绪动荡得很激烈，结果按奈不住再次崩溃。我不要也不想她承担这方面的痛，所以选择了放弃。对不起，是我没有信心，不是她的问题。