2021-03-22

一个月才写一次的部落格，确实不感到什么压力，也因为这样，可以一直这样继续下去。在写这部落格之前，会反复问自己，当中的内容有没有重复？阅读这部落格的人士会否从中得到什么正面的信息？

一般的情况下，精神科医生一开药给躁郁症（双向情感障碍）病患者，通常都是“丙戊酸钠”（Sodium Valproate），又名“抗癫灵”或“艾匹灵”（Epilim）。这药可以对付躁郁症，加上它的副作用并不致命。按道理来说，这药物不会导致肥胖，只是让患者胃口变得特别好。事实是，这药确实会导致肥胖，一个人胃口特别好，吃得特别多，肯定会变得特别胖！我曾经一直服用艾匹灵，可惜始终无法长时间服用。由于身为男子，不会太介意体型变胖。让我放弃服用的原因，是这药物令人懊恼的第二大副作用：忧郁时会更加忧郁，还会把忧郁的时间拉长！

2017年年初，精神崩溃入院后，还被送进疗养院一个多月。出来后，当然乖乖长期服用着艾匹灵。必须知道的是，纵然服了药，躁郁症病患者仍然会经历：高亢期、忧郁期、混乱期（高亢加上忧郁）以及普通期，当然比不上没服药时那般显著。进入忧郁期时，艾匹灵让我更加忧郁，甚至无止境地忧郁下去，长达了六个月！忍耐得无法继续忍耐的情况下，跟家人说，请马上送我进入精神病院，好像快要崩溃啦。就这样又进入了精神病院。精神科医生马上帮我换了药，换成了“碳酸锂”（Lithium Carbonate），期果效比艾匹灵好多了。

为何医生不让患者一开始即服用碳酸锂呢？因为这药的副作用相当致命：它会导致患者的肾脏衰竭而亡！现在情况算是安稳，大约一年一次去医院复诊，而复诊前必需验血。精神科医生可透过验血报告，来鉴定这碳酸锂药物不会导致我的肾脏衰竭。所幸的是，到目前为止安然无恙。双相情感障碍的医药研究似乎停顿了十几二十年，没有什么进展，更不必说有什么突破，艾匹灵和碳酸锂仍旧是最主要的两种药物。患者们要自强乐观，因我们至少还有这两种药物。

 2021-02-25

I was talking about stubbornness in the Chinese language session. Actually both languages are solely independent. I never intend to interpret the Chinese messages into English and vice versa. Generally stubbornness is never a good character. However, there is a great character which seems almost like stubbornness but there are not the same. It is --- perseverance. 

Recently, this word is hot due to a machine which is called Perseverance has landed on Mars! For sure, no one would ever name the machine as Stubbornness. Frankly speaking, I did not and might do not understand deeply the meaning of these words. Just googled the main difference for these words and I got: Stubbornness keeps us stuck in an unwanted situation but perseverance makes us moving on although the current state is bad. In brief, stubbornness is bad but perseverance is good. 

Let me give you an example. If I want to put away the labeling 'bipolar disorder' and I go stop taking medication and assume that I'm OK, and I do it again and again and again. This is stubbornness for sure because I put myself in a dangerous situation which I would probably being triggered and breakdown, and this happens again and again. I was really stubborn for doing so because due to this stupidity I have numerous breakdowns. 

How about perseverance? Most of the people never experience a breakdown and they have no idea how difficult it is to recover from it. While I was in a psychiatric ward due to a breakdown, I couldn't have a clear mind at once. It was like in a great maze in my mind, and I was trying hard to walk out of the maze. Day by day, I got closer and closer to the exit. I knew I could never ever give up. When I escaped from the maze, I got back my sanity and I knew where I was. After that, I would be discharged from the ward. The character to keep searching for the exit is called perseverance. 

My friends especially those who have bipolar, we must have perseverance to go on. Life would be great, so please do not quit easily.  

 2021-02-24

一月四日动了左大腿骨断裂的手术后，至今已有七个多星期。目前不再须要拐杖步行，但走起来却显得蹒跚怪异。因为这场意外，吃了很多很多的苦头。那刻骨铭心的痛，是永远都无法忘记的。

在电视剧里，看到精神病患发病的剧情，总在心里带来很大冲击，犹如涟漪般向周围大大扩散出去。有些演员演得太真实，让我不禁怀疑那演员是否真的有精神问题。说实话，身为精神病患者的我，阅读另一个精神病患者的部落格，确实是非常难受。因为我能深深体会患者的痛，仿佛那场意外所带给我身体上的剧痛一样。看了后，只能感叹：“爱莫能助。”

有很多东西做不到。无法成为光，指引患者坦然从困境里走出来。在生活中，尽量显得乐观积极，希望能带给身旁的人欢乐。当能量微弱时，学习在安静中与自己进行深层的心灵会话。不止精神病患者不敢面对最赤裸的自己，包括一般人都不喜欢这么做，一直用各种方式来麻醉自己。事实是，除了你自己，谁可以更了解自己？勇敢去探索内心的‘禁地’，去了解为何会有如此巨大的反应。

随着年龄渐长，领会有许多事都不必执著。关于这点，一般人面对许多不必要的苦楚，问题来源也是过于执著。说到这里，可以做个结论，精神病患者和一般人在许多事上都近乎没有差别。精神病患要注意的事，一般人也同样需要注意。唯一的差别是，在躁郁症（至今变成了--- 双向情感障碍）里，我个人觉得，一切的感应都放大了许多。这样可以解释，为什么开心的时候会比一般人更加兴奋，而伤心的时候又比一般人更加沮丧，加上生气时会比一般人更加狂烈！

重点是，不要执著，因为是与非并非重点。即使有能力把对方辩倒，让对方哑口无言，可是对方无论如何都不会因此屈服，但所造成的感情破裂是不必要的。竟知之，何为之？

 2021-01-17

Due to a strange accident on the last day of 2020, my femur was fractured. A major operation had been done on 4th January 2021.

The pain feeling was massive and truly hard to bear. I had to transferred from a general hospital to a private hospital because lack of surgeons and not enough operation room during such a pandemic. Experienced the swab test and it was really uncomfortable. I could only transfer to the private hospital after my result was negative. 

For the first two nights, the pain feeling almost paralysed me. Fortunately by the end of the second day, I knew how to manage the pain and refused taking pain killers. However, the pain persisted, just that I already got used to it. An anesthetist explained to me the quite complicated anesthesia procedure because of my bipolar disorder. For my bipolar friends, please remember to inform your doctor that you have bipolar disorder. The anesthetist never gave me a full body anesthesia because I might have problems to wake up again. 

It's really a long recovery process. My femur can be totally healed in 6 till 8 weeks but I need longer time to involve in marathon, duathlon and triathlon again. According to another doctor, I might need at least 4 months to have a complete recovery. I have to make sure that I'm always have a calm and stable mood. Although I wish to walk smoothly as soon as possible but I give time to myself for recovery.

Everything will be fine. The pandemic shall cease and I would surely walk normally soon. Keep taking my medication faithfully. So do all my bipolar friends who read this blog. 

 2021-01-13

在2020年的最后一天，发生了挺离奇的意外。由于快步行走，不小心踢到在停车位伫立的铁柱子。隐约听到低沉的钟声，同时被反弹的震撼弄得有些晕眩 ，过后坐大腿像被电击，左脚顿时失去站稳的能力，身体立即不受控制向前倒下。

我已跌倒无数次，身体在潜意识里也懂得怎么跌，才会让身体承受最低的伤害。向前倒下，身体却会及时把重心摆向右大腿，让右大腿到膝盖旁上方的部位承受倒下的撞击。这部分撞伤后，让背后可以缓缓躺在地上。就是说，这件意外发生后，我是平躺在地上，而面向夜空。刚开始，会以为只是扭伤了筋，却不知道左腿大骨已经断开。事发后不久，有两名印度同胞把我扶起来坐在地上，但那剧烈的疼痛让我迅速躺下。我打电话跟妈妈求救，后来被家人送入医院。

起初是送进了政府医院，因为有残障卡，住院与动手术都全免。可惜因为疫情严重，医院没有医生可以及时帮我动手术，才转入专科医院。安排到我在一月四日动手术，而这已经是最快了。在政府医院照X光，已痛得死去活来。后来他们说X光照得不清楚，必须照多一次，再次令我痛彻心扉。在病床上，只要稍微姿势不对，即会承受撕裂剧痛。这样承受如此般剧痛两天后，剩下的几天都已不须服用止痛药，因已经懂得怎么避免疼痛，还有也习惯那长时间的疼痛。

一月四日（星期一）进行手术。因长期服用锂，不能像其他人那样全身麻醉，麻醉师会担心我一旦被麻醉了会很难醒来。麻醉师为我进行了很复杂的局部麻醉，左脚24个小时，右脚6个小时，从背后脊椎那里注射麻醉以让下半身麻醉6个小时，至于上半身只是在手术时沉睡而手术后可以很快醒过来。麻醉师如此详细说明，过后我也确实如他所说的这样全部惊人般实现。加上是左大腿骨，开刀前还要摆个很高难度的姿势。侧睡在手术台上，整个左脚朝上，双手交叉与胸前，背后朝向一方，胸前朝向另一方，并非如一般人那样平躺。

手术顺利进行了，也在医院静养几天。手术后第二天即做了物理治疗，还学习怎么使用拐杖。根据物理治疗师的说法，要每日三次做某些物理治疗的动作，好让自己能尽快康复。一月八日出院了，目前在家里静养。

 2020-12-17

It's ironic that we accept the concept which emphasises "everyone is unique" but we all tend to follow the so called 'universal standard'. Surely it's unavoidable to compare ourselves with someone else. As a result, it always seems we are much worse than almost everyone. 

Besides, we already learned that comparison is the thief of joy but we still keep comparing. Why must we do all sorts of things to feel worse and worse? Not only for mental illness people, even for the majority also would fall into the same trap. They keep saying that happiness is very important but keep doing things which make them feel terribly depressed. Why? Most probably being the best in every aspect is the root cause of happiness for such people. The cruel fact is, who could really be the best? 

Please stop compare with people. Human beings are imperfect, and hence never ever tend to be perfect. And also, imperfection is the true perfect. A good example is, if a pianist play a piano piece with all the notes 100% correct and timing 100% correct and all the expressions 100% correct, the piano piece is not perfect at the end. Why so? Who wants to listen to a piano piece which sounds 100% robotic?! In brief, 100% perfect is 100% NOT perfect at all!

I accept myself to be truly imperfect, having such a mental illness gave me a dead sentence to be a perfectionist. However, it also saves me from being a perfectionist, it gives me freedom for NOT being a perfectionist. I used to be a perfectionist, and wanted everything to be 100% perfect. At the same, I was suffering hard for having such a thought. 

And now, I have a different standard than other people, never compare with the people but myself only. It's really great to compete and be better than my old self in the past!

 2020-12-16

这些日子都活在痛苦里，相信这不舒服的感觉会一直持续到圣诞节前几天才结束。运动可以有效地除去这痛苦的滋味，导致我几乎天天运动。可是有时候，那疼痛感会突然加剧，会痛到头皮麻痹，加上胸口会有沉重的压抑感。

会过去的，我不断地安慰自己。可以习惯这痛楚吗？至少一年重复两次，每次都长达几个星期。这苦楚并不定时，大约是四月某日和十二月某日。记得自己崩溃时，大量吸着烟和喝了许多啤酒，似乎努力地麻醉自己。当时除了感到浓浓的不安全感，还有内心极度的澎湃情绪之外，由于一直无法安眠，才大量用酒精和烟瘾来治愈就快崩裂的头。

难怪我要用相同的方法来消除疼痛吗？酒精与药物相冲，当我决定长期服用药物后就几乎滴酒不沾。吸烟呢？我确实尝试了，算是有效暂时消除疼痛，可是过后会更加疼痛。或许抽烟治愈痛楚相等于服用安眠药来对付失眠吧。曾经在精神崩溃康复后，在某一段时间服用着安眠药，好让自己能好好入睡。肯定可以好好入睡，但是睡醒了会觉得好困，无法在早晨时精神焕发。

简言之，服用安眠药和抽烟是不自然疗愈方式，其效果肯定不佳，还会对身体造成伤害。到目前为止，只发现运动和音乐是自然疗愈法。运动时释放的多巴胺，确实可以有效消除痛楚。抒情音乐，可以缓和以及平复情绪。这时候精神状况不好，很容易打盹，所以必需多多歇息。