2016-06-30

It's really tough to take the daily medication for bipolar disorder obediently. For sure it's absolutely normal that the bipolar disorder patient tends to avoid it if possible. Unbearable side effects? Yes, it's uncomfortable. 

After a few months, it's normal for the patient to gain weight for at least 10 kg. Dizziness and numbness feelings throughout the whole day. During the few months, I was walking like a zombie. Moreover, I could hardly speak fluently and my movement was extremely slow and difficult. I was discharged from a psychiatric ward in September 2014, and the first few months was torturing. 

Why do I keep taking medication? It's solely because of love. Who wants a son with this kind of mental illness? It's really a sad case for my parents to have a son who has this tragic illness. I'd always remember my parents' face expression when they saw me in a psychiatric ward for my very first relapse in the UK. 

All these years, I was trying every single method to have a healthy lifestyle. I had been trying to stop my medication for years and one of my psychiatrist even suspected I might had been cured. Unfortunately, this illness can never be cured for time being. I have no other option but take medication every day. 

Yes, there are more to do but taking medication is the first step. My friends, do not forget to take your medication. 

2016-06-28

情绪高低起伏，尤其是当情绪低落时那挥之不去的无力感，这情形下又能怎么进行任何之前已安排好的计划？每天例行的事务，肯定要尽力持续着，如工作、饮食、运动和睡眠。可是至于跟他人之间的互动，在这无力感之下，真的很难如期进行。

答应好他人的东西，当然要撑着赴约。如果可以的话，很想很想跟对方说，“对不起，我今天不出席了，因为觉得不舒服。” 可以努力说服自己，在这情形下会跟他人见面，他人也不会察觉有什么问题，只是随后会感到更加煎熬。这无力感纯粹是心灵里面的感觉，体力还保持某个水准，只是那过分负面的思想会在里头盘旋。

这其实就是典型的忧郁症症状，可惜不能服忧郁症病患者的药。为什么不行？忧郁症病患者不会经历狂躁期，所以他只须要服用可以令他振奋的药。如果躁郁症病患者服用这样的药物，极大可能会从抑郁期转变成更加棘手的躁郁期，其结果会更加不堪。

事实是，不可以奢望完完全全过着一般人的生活。若他人保存这样的期望，会让患者感到不必要的压力。可以独立自主和自力更生，每天可以大略过着一般人的生活作息，已经非常不错了。

2016-06-23

Who am I? When someone knows my mental health issue, for the person, am I just equal to a bipolar disorder patient? We always yearn other people may see us as a normal person but do we at the same time hope that other people may excuse us for our mental health issue? If other people do excuse us for our mental health issue, then can the person see us as a normal person anymore? 

No, once other people know our mental health issue, they may never see us as a normal person. Of course it's much better that the person to excuse us for our mental health issue, otherwise we might have to keep apologising for all the things that we might do due to our mental health issue. That's the main reason I'll surely let my close friends know about my mental health condition so that they may not get shocked for the harsh things that I might say or the crazy things that I might do. The cruel fact is, no one will see us as a normal person. So what? What's so good to be normal? If we can be outstanding, if we can achieve better and higher, what's the point to be ordinary? 

Another cruel point, we must take medication at all cost. If we want to have a healthy and routine lifestyle as others, we must take medication whatsoever. We may have thousands of reasons for not taking it but the one and only reason is enough for us to take it: the medication does help to keep your mood in a certain range. The reason is good enough to stand against all the other thousands of reasonable and brilliant reasons. When we see, we see more; when we listen, we listen more; when we feel, we feel more. Once we can have a more stabilise mood due to medication, there is almost nothing which we may not achieve.  

2016-06-21

很多东西无法清楚理解，只好慢慢揣测，确保不好陷入浮躁的状况里。暂时不要理会所看、所听、所感受的是否真实，因为他人总会认为那只不过是自导自演。无论如何，生活必需继续下去，通通平凡的事务，如影印机一日复一日的生活，那些琐碎淡然的生活依然要进行着。

若遇见稀奇古怪的事，不要急着跟任何人分享，因为其结果都不是心里所想象的那样。可以的话，不要告诉任何人，包括你认为最可以相信的人，因为所有人都有软弱。并非那些你所能信靠的人不好，而是不要带给他人不必要的困扰。本身认为真实的事物，他人都会认为那是虚幻不真实的东西。事实是，他们都帮不到忙，因为他们都不明白（看不到、听不到、感受不到）。

会寂寞吗？会的。当用尽了所知晓的词汇来形容，但他人都听得一头雾水的时候，那感觉真的无比寂寞。不说出来的寂寞，远比说了出来的寂寞，更加容易承担许多许多。

2016-06-16

We have been told that we lack of a kind of hormone in our brain to control our mood and this is the root cause for our mental illness. Actually there is no machine to conform our disability. They have a list of questionnaires to judge whether we are normal or abnormal. 

Since 21st century, more and more people have been categorised for having certain kinds of mental illnesses: depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), adult attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD/ADD), and schizoaffective disorder. These 7 are the main mental illnesses currently. Most probably, psychiatrists will add some more other mental illnesses into it and the list will be longer. 

I have been told by a therapist that one out of four experience a kind of mental illness in his or life. One out of four?! Yes, one out of four, the number is really scary. If the purpose for this blog is written to those with or have been experienced mental illness, then my readers are tremendously massive. 

Everyone is unique, and we have freedom to think whatever we want. Our body might be bond somewhere - institutionalisation, but our mind is absolutely free and can fly around with wings. What's the message for today? I take my medication, accept the label by psychiatrists that I have bipolar disorder but I know and I'm sure that my mind has the freedom to fly around with wings. 

《二零一六年六月十四日》

人生里不如意的事十之八九，很多时候都并非自己所想象中如此美好。有些人认为，竟然如此就不要对任何事寄予厚望，一切都顺其自然，以一颗平常心来面对一切。是的，这是目前的主流思想，大家都一致赞同。

学习聆听，学习观察，学习体会，过后把这一切讯息消化吸收，再慢慢去揣摩出适合自己的一套想法。适合在自己身上的道理，极大可能不适合运用在他人身上。这些主流思想，众人所推崇的思想，是否适合你呢？他人认为对的事情，在你的身上还是对的吗？每个人有不一样的个性，不一样的家庭背景，不一样的信仰，不一样的教育程度，还有不一样的社会地位。

精神病患者在这世上能否扮演更积极和高尚的角色呢？由于咱们的缺陷，很容易被社会排斥，甚至会被身旁的人轻蔑。咱们说的话，发表的言论，无论多么有道理，都不会被社会大众接受。这种的不平等待遇，咱们又要抱着怎样的心态去面对？他人要戴着有色眼镜来看咱们，要怎么做才能改变他们的想法呢？

感受很强烈，无论在视觉、听觉和感觉上都很强烈。听到电台的社会关怀讯息，才知道自闭儿的感受非常强烈，以致他们把自己关闭起来，因为这样强烈的感受很疼痛。是的，有的时候我也会自闭，想把自己封锁，不要去面对外面的世界，因为强烈的感受让我痛苦不堪。

梦想、盼望、憧憬…… 这是微弱的烛光，在心里默默燃烧着，告诉自己“当刚强壮胆，不要惧怕”。

"2nd June 2016"

My application status remains incomplete till now. After verification of my Degree and Master transcripts from my university in the UK, the Admissions Office mentions that my Year 1 and Year 2 Degree results at a local college are grade reports only not official academic results. Once again, I need helps from the college to verify that those results are official transcripts. Moreover, I have written a long email to the CEO of the university which I want to study a PhD course, it's an email to complain the Admissions Office. 

Most probably, my application will eventually be rejected. The possibility for me to get a seat in the university is almost hopeless. I relapsed and stayed in a psychiatric ward for a month before the final year exam of the Degree course, and then relapsed and stayed in another psychiatric ward for 2 months before I submitted my thesis for the Master course. Perhaps I will relapse again for the PhD course but I do not think I would have the chance to pass the PhD course. If so, it should be wise for me to let it go? Should I quit or should I remain fighting? I have no idea.

Generally, it's ridiculously hard to keep holding on. If you walk around a bookstore, in the area of self-help books, there are lots of books which advise people not to give up. In the ideology of this world, we have been advised for not giving in. So far I have never seen a book which advises people to surrender. In contrast, there is a popular saying that advises people to let it go. Personally I think, let it go is just a good version of give up. Whatsoever, I do not intend to play with words. 

Hope for the best, this is my conclusion for this incident. Whether I can get it or fail to get it, I should always hope for the best. I'm still remain fighting until the Admission Office informs me officially that I have failed for the application.  

《二零一六年六月一日》

大家都希望找到一个平台来发言，所以在面子书里，可以看到人人都急着把当下的思绪跟众人分享。曾经我也一样，喜欢在面子书里任意发言。大家都喜欢在里面展现他们美好的一面，充斥着个人照、跟朋友们一起拍的照片、旅行的照片、积极过人的言论等等。有时候可以看到某些人在发怨言或吐苦水，还有他们对某件事的想法。

后来我察觉面子书的世界是个虚拟的世界，不要真的以为面子书的世界是真实的，而你眼前的世界才比较真实。当然人人都喜欢美好的一切，尽可避免一切的不悦。某个人的失落、沮丧、无奈、彷徨、无助等其他负面情绪，大家都不怎么愿意在面子书里分享，害怕被他人标签为思想负面的人物。如果你心情不好的时候，千万不要浏览面子书，因为里头往往展示着他人的欢乐，会让你越看越心理不平衡。你会不自觉自责，为何他人可以如此正面，可是自己却做不到？看到他人展示旅行的照片，你会惊讶为何他人有那么多钱去旅行，但是自己没有那么多剩余的钱？更要命的是，他们喜欢展现跟伴侣亲昵恩爱的照片，还有跟他们宝宝或孩子们的幸福模样，心里会莫名羡慕，怎么自己就是没有这样的命？

当你的心情不好的时候，可以暂时把面子书忘了。当你不想说话的时候，所有的WhatsApp都放上静音，可以不必理会就不要理会。大家都很拼命且分秒必争，似乎脚步慢一步世界就会因此停顿。没有人是无法被取代的，世界也不会因为没有了某个人而没有了白天和夜晚。偶尔停下脚步，什么都不做，让脑袋放空，可以清楚知道接下来应该走的路，更胜于不停又盲目地做，在忙碌里迷茫惘然。