"22nd April 2016"
Am I able to sustain a long distance relationship? It does seems hard. Most probably we may see each other for once a month only. Due to the advance of technology, I may text her whenever I want, and she may does the same thing. However, it feels so far away and quite unreal.
What we like is totally different but this is not an issue. Could we really hold on in this way for a long time? If there is someone who treats her nice and the guy may always be with her, is it better that I advise her to be with him? Yes, I am thinking too much again but really cannot avoid it because the fact is I have lost my confidence to love someone again.
For other things, whatever you sow, you might most probably get it back. Ridiculously, love is a totally strange thing. It is out of our mind and full of all sorts of uncertainties. One thing I'm sure about it, if I let her know my mental condition just like the way I told the other 2 ladies before her, for sure she'll leave me or most probably we will be friends as normal.
One day she'll leave me for someone else because anyone else can be better than I. So sorry about today post, I'm in depression stage since 26th May till now, this time it lasts for such a long time. Patiently waiting for the dark clouds to go away, patiently waiting for the sunshine to shine into my heart again. It's so warm outside but so cold inside.
My passion about studies still burns wildly inside of me. That is why I can hold on to it in perseverance. It's so similar like the meaning of music to Beethoven. When there is absolutely nothing, there is still something to hold on, there is still a meaning to live. My brain cannot work actively now but I still spend some time to study. It is something precious for me to hold on.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Thursday, April 21, 2016
《二零一六年四月二十一日》
若一切顺利，今年的九月就可以开始兼读博士课程。之前读学士和硕士都会因着不同的原因而崩溃，所以这一次确实会感到莫名的恐惧。难道会再次在读书的过程中崩溃吗？唯一不同的，是这一次都没停止服着药，但前两次都处于没有服药的状况。
告诉了讲师们我的精神状况，他们都给予很正面的回应。主要的讲师，她依然会把我当成一般的学生来指导。其实真的须要对讲师们坦白，好让他们有心理准备，毕竟我真的无法百分百肯定不会再次倒下去。如果有一天不幸倒下，那么他们会宽容地对待我吧。盼望没有那么的一天。
目前在处理着申请博士课程的程序。第一件必须做好的事，就是写好研究建议书。这研究建议书要阐明博士课程所要研究的主题，略略陈述想完成的事项，还有想要达到的结果。所写的第一份被全然婉拒，至于第二份则被讲师提醒必须加强专业书写的能力，加上必须努力阅读更多的研究报告。
英文并非我的第一语文，中文才是我的第一语文。一直在英文方面下了很大的苦工，让英文的书写能力可以跟中文并驾齐驱。当然我的中文书写能力，肯定无法跟中国人、台湾人或香港人比较。至于英文，虽然进步了不少，不过要达到专业的地步，还是有一段挺遥远的距离。要掌握好某种语文不简单，才把范围放小至只专注中文和英文。
若一切顺利，今年的九月就可以开始兼读博士课程。之前读学士和硕士都会因着不同的原因而崩溃，所以这一次确实会感到莫名的恐惧。难道会再次在读书的过程中崩溃吗？唯一不同的，是这一次都没停止服着药，但前两次都处于没有服药的状况。
告诉了讲师们我的精神状况，他们都给予很正面的回应。主要的讲师，她依然会把我当成一般的学生来指导。其实真的须要对讲师们坦白，好让他们有心理准备，毕竟我真的无法百分百肯定不会再次倒下去。如果有一天不幸倒下，那么他们会宽容地对待我吧。盼望没有那么的一天。
目前在处理着申请博士课程的程序。第一件必须做好的事，就是写好研究建议书。这研究建议书要阐明博士课程所要研究的主题，略略陈述想完成的事项，还有想要达到的结果。所写的第一份被全然婉拒，至于第二份则被讲师提醒必须加强专业书写的能力，加上必须努力阅读更多的研究报告。
英文并非我的第一语文，中文才是我的第一语文。一直在英文方面下了很大的苦工，让英文的书写能力可以跟中文并驾齐驱。当然我的中文书写能力，肯定无法跟中国人、台湾人或香港人比较。至于英文，虽然进步了不少，不过要达到专业的地步，还是有一段挺遥远的距离。要掌握好某种语文不简单，才把范围放小至只专注中文和英文。
Friday, April 15, 2016
"15th April 2016"
It's really quite a long depression stage since 25th March 2016. Most probably, it will continue for another week. Daily routine can be proceeded as normal, just that I'm carrying a heavy heart with me, easily feeling tired and demotivated.
Obviously I'm lucky to have supervisors from a university who are willing to guide me during weekdays after working hours and on Saturdays. Due to financial issue, I have to carry on my career. As a result, I can only study a PhD course as part time. They provide 50 percent discount for full time students but I really cannot stop working for minimum 2 years. I think, I should like to teach in a university and be a professor if possible. In fact, my aim is to be a researcher in telecommunication field.
No idea whether I can be a good lecturer because the way I think is quite different with other people. Not sure about other bipolar disorder people out there, is it this a common issue for all of us? Is it my condition only lack of a certain kind of hormone in controlling the fluctuation of the mood or something more? My ex lecturer who has the same problem as I, when he taught students, most of the students could not understand him but I could. Hence I'm afraid this scenario will be happened if I teach people.
Can't deny that I'm worried that I might not be able to handle the stress. If I come to a point that I will breakdown again due to a massive stress in studying, then I really have to give it up. Of course I will surely try my best. Another better option is, I can stop for a while due to my poor mental condition and proceed my study again once I'm okay.
It's really quite a long depression stage since 25th March 2016. Most probably, it will continue for another week. Daily routine can be proceeded as normal, just that I'm carrying a heavy heart with me, easily feeling tired and demotivated.
Obviously I'm lucky to have supervisors from a university who are willing to guide me during weekdays after working hours and on Saturdays. Due to financial issue, I have to carry on my career. As a result, I can only study a PhD course as part time. They provide 50 percent discount for full time students but I really cannot stop working for minimum 2 years. I think, I should like to teach in a university and be a professor if possible. In fact, my aim is to be a researcher in telecommunication field.
No idea whether I can be a good lecturer because the way I think is quite different with other people. Not sure about other bipolar disorder people out there, is it this a common issue for all of us? Is it my condition only lack of a certain kind of hormone in controlling the fluctuation of the mood or something more? My ex lecturer who has the same problem as I, when he taught students, most of the students could not understand him but I could. Hence I'm afraid this scenario will be happened if I teach people.
Can't deny that I'm worried that I might not be able to handle the stress. If I come to a point that I will breakdown again due to a massive stress in studying, then I really have to give it up. Of course I will surely try my best. Another better option is, I can stop for a while due to my poor mental condition and proceed my study again once I'm okay.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
《二零一六年四月十三日》
昨天到某间私立大学，询问了有关博士课程。很幸运地找到了两位讲师来指导我，他们愿意让我在周日下班后的时间或星期六见他们。由于我在英国的大学修读硕士学位，因此不必呈上什么文件来肯定我的英文程度。如果一切安好，那么就会在今年的九月开始兼读博士课程。知道这条路不好走，必需一切尽力而为。
修读博士课程，一直是心里的梦想。可以在崩溃中一次又一次站立起来，这主要的动力就是来自这梦想。这梦想在心里灼热燃烧着，赐予我足够的精力重新站立。其实自己也不了解为何那么爱读书，为什么有机会继续读书，整个人立刻觉得精力充沛？当讲师正在告诉我那即将研究的专题，那题目跟之前所学的有关联，听得我双眼炯炯有神。那份专注给予当场两位讲师很好的印象，而这种专注感是如此自然而然流露在脸上。
在学院时期一接触到电讯这门课程，马上深深爱上了它，从当时一直爱到现在，甚至可以肯定会一直爱下去。为什么会如此爱它？或许可以给予很多答复，可是真正的原因，我真的不知道。这好像谈恋爱一样，为什么会爱上某个女子，我也不知道。一旦爱上了，除非被她人拒绝了，不然的话，会一直继续爱下去。
躁郁症病患者，是不是都需要某个梦想，一个可以实现的梦想，好让他可以有勇气继续好好生活？对我而言，梦想很重要。失去了它，好像失去了生活的意义。梦想是个火焰，它点燃了我的心，可以对生命充满热诚。这是我今天想跟大家分享的主题，要有个梦想，并尽所能将它实现。
昨天到某间私立大学，询问了有关博士课程。很幸运地找到了两位讲师来指导我，他们愿意让我在周日下班后的时间或星期六见他们。由于我在英国的大学修读硕士学位，因此不必呈上什么文件来肯定我的英文程度。如果一切安好，那么就会在今年的九月开始兼读博士课程。知道这条路不好走，必需一切尽力而为。
修读博士课程，一直是心里的梦想。可以在崩溃中一次又一次站立起来，这主要的动力就是来自这梦想。这梦想在心里灼热燃烧着，赐予我足够的精力重新站立。其实自己也不了解为何那么爱读书，为什么有机会继续读书，整个人立刻觉得精力充沛？当讲师正在告诉我那即将研究的专题，那题目跟之前所学的有关联，听得我双眼炯炯有神。那份专注给予当场两位讲师很好的印象，而这种专注感是如此自然而然流露在脸上。
在学院时期一接触到电讯这门课程，马上深深爱上了它，从当时一直爱到现在，甚至可以肯定会一直爱下去。为什么会如此爱它？或许可以给予很多答复，可是真正的原因，我真的不知道。这好像谈恋爱一样，为什么会爱上某个女子，我也不知道。一旦爱上了，除非被她人拒绝了，不然的话，会一直继续爱下去。
躁郁症病患者，是不是都需要某个梦想，一个可以实现的梦想，好让他可以有勇气继续好好生活？对我而言，梦想很重要。失去了它，好像失去了生活的意义。梦想是个火焰，它点燃了我的心，可以对生命充满热诚。这是我今天想跟大家分享的主题，要有个梦想，并尽所能将它实现。
Friday, April 8, 2016
"8th April 2016"
It has been quite some time I started this blog and I could notice there are a number of people keep following my blog. Before I proceed, I would really want to say thank you to all of you who view my blog. I might don't know who you are but because of you I have the motivation to proceed.
As long as I take medication everyday, get to bed about the same time daily, a healthy lifestyle including exercise regularly, and avoid myself from stressful situation, are these enough for me to have a sound mind forever? Unfortunately, no one could confirm that. For example, when the gal told me that I was just her ex boyfriend number 2, I was so mad until I nearly going to breakdown. I wished I could just be her friend but I really could not do it. Can I do it now? Cannot. She knew she was wrong for treating me in this way and that was why she told me honestly about it. I've forgiven her but I cannot face her anymore.
Later on, I've had an argument with another gal who is still a friend. I'm sorry that I've said something harshly to her but at that moment I couldn't control myself. The feeling of unfairness burned violently in me and hurt me so much. I didn't want to be like this, this is really not my fault, I've tried everything the best I could but why they rejected me indirectly once they knew my condition? They wanted me to be honest with them and I had done so. What had I done wrong? My sincere love to them had been polluted once they knew my mental health condition. This seems absolutely unacceptable to me. Whatsoever, I must accept it unconditionally.
Quite a lot of things are really unfair in this world but life must go on. Besides all the dark sides, there are always a bit of bright sides in everyone. Anyway it was really a good lesson, a lesson to stand up bold to troubles and obstacles. It's still not the end yet, the story still keeps going on and on.
It has been quite some time I started this blog and I could notice there are a number of people keep following my blog. Before I proceed, I would really want to say thank you to all of you who view my blog. I might don't know who you are but because of you I have the motivation to proceed.
As long as I take medication everyday, get to bed about the same time daily, a healthy lifestyle including exercise regularly, and avoid myself from stressful situation, are these enough for me to have a sound mind forever? Unfortunately, no one could confirm that. For example, when the gal told me that I was just her ex boyfriend number 2, I was so mad until I nearly going to breakdown. I wished I could just be her friend but I really could not do it. Can I do it now? Cannot. She knew she was wrong for treating me in this way and that was why she told me honestly about it. I've forgiven her but I cannot face her anymore.
Later on, I've had an argument with another gal who is still a friend. I'm sorry that I've said something harshly to her but at that moment I couldn't control myself. The feeling of unfairness burned violently in me and hurt me so much. I didn't want to be like this, this is really not my fault, I've tried everything the best I could but why they rejected me indirectly once they knew my condition? They wanted me to be honest with them and I had done so. What had I done wrong? My sincere love to them had been polluted once they knew my mental health condition. This seems absolutely unacceptable to me. Whatsoever, I must accept it unconditionally.
Quite a lot of things are really unfair in this world but life must go on. Besides all the dark sides, there are always a bit of bright sides in everyone. Anyway it was really a good lesson, a lesson to stand up bold to troubles and obstacles. It's still not the end yet, the story still keeps going on and on.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
《二零一六年四月五日》
他人对精神病患者的歧见，尤其在东方社会，相信不会瞬间消失。当女生们知道我的精神状况后，她们会马上跟我保持距离。即使原本喜欢我的，她们会要求只当朋友。老实说，这样的打击是挺大的，足于摧毁长久以来建立好的自信心。
要埋怨吗？埋怨上天的不公平吗？要憎恨吗？憎恨他人的歧见吗？要厌世吗？厌倦继续活在世上吗？答案全然是否定的！这些思想不可以存在于精神病患者身上，我不容许这些思想在心里扎根茁壮成长。头脑少了某种荷尔蒙，导致我无法控制本身的情绪，需要靠药物让情绪在适当的范围里浮动，这并不是我所要的，根本不是我的选择。
他人总会认为精神病患者只需要学习坚强，拥有正面和积极的思想，肯定可以跟一般人一样过着正常的生活。那么容易简单吗？看起来好像确实如此。假如真的如此简单，那么为何精神病患者需要长久服药呢？换个角度，那些有血压高的人士，他们同样需要每天依靠药物来控制血压。可不可以劝导他们，不要那么激动，常常保持心平气和，那么血压就可以平稳？答案很明显：不可以！因为血压的高或低，并不是人所能完全掌控。
一般人可轻易接受血压高病患者，但为何无法接受精神病患者呢？还有其他的病，如地中海贫血症、哮喘、夜盲症、偏头痛等等，他人都可勉强接受。可是一提起躁郁症，他人就不容易接受呢？当我们服药后，情绪安稳地控制着，过着正常人的生活，为何当他人知道我的精神状况后，会有如此负面的想法呢？
我那精神科医生的说法是正确的，不要让女友知道我患上了躁郁症，因为这会引起不必要的争议，毕竟一般人对此都不了解。试了两回，很大胆告诉女生我的精神问题，结果两个女友都变成了朋友。莫名其妙又不知不觉中，就这样多了两个朋友。
他人对精神病患者的歧见，尤其在东方社会，相信不会瞬间消失。当女生们知道我的精神状况后，她们会马上跟我保持距离。即使原本喜欢我的，她们会要求只当朋友。老实说，这样的打击是挺大的，足于摧毁长久以来建立好的自信心。
要埋怨吗？埋怨上天的不公平吗？要憎恨吗？憎恨他人的歧见吗？要厌世吗？厌倦继续活在世上吗？答案全然是否定的！这些思想不可以存在于精神病患者身上，我不容许这些思想在心里扎根茁壮成长。头脑少了某种荷尔蒙，导致我无法控制本身的情绪，需要靠药物让情绪在适当的范围里浮动，这并不是我所要的，根本不是我的选择。
他人总会认为精神病患者只需要学习坚强，拥有正面和积极的思想，肯定可以跟一般人一样过着正常的生活。那么容易简单吗？看起来好像确实如此。假如真的如此简单，那么为何精神病患者需要长久服药呢？换个角度，那些有血压高的人士，他们同样需要每天依靠药物来控制血压。可不可以劝导他们，不要那么激动，常常保持心平气和，那么血压就可以平稳？答案很明显：不可以！因为血压的高或低，并不是人所能完全掌控。
一般人可轻易接受血压高病患者，但为何无法接受精神病患者呢？还有其他的病，如地中海贫血症、哮喘、夜盲症、偏头痛等等，他人都可勉强接受。可是一提起躁郁症，他人就不容易接受呢？当我们服药后，情绪安稳地控制着，过着正常人的生活，为何当他人知道我的精神状况后，会有如此负面的想法呢？
我那精神科医生的说法是正确的，不要让女友知道我患上了躁郁症，因为这会引起不必要的争议，毕竟一般人对此都不了解。试了两回，很大胆告诉女生我的精神问题，结果两个女友都变成了朋友。莫名其妙又不知不觉中，就这样多了两个朋友。
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