"30th December 2015"
The year of 2015 is almost comes to the end. Many things happened in this year and more things will be happening soon. Just before the end of the year, I managed to apply a part-time PhD course at a local university. And then, managed to get to know a gal, someone special.
It was really excited to talk to her through Facebook's messenger. She was willing to share with me openly for various kinds of topics. She's an active gal who loves outdoor activities. In my mind, I started to imagine that I could go swimming, cycling, running, hiking or even diving with her. Undoubtedly, I felt like falling in love. Anyway, I have to take times to understand her more before asking her to be my girlfriend.
Such a coincidence that I met her at the Christmas Carnival which I mentioned in my previous post. Added her in my Facebook but didn't know what to talk to her until one day one of my friends asked me to get some photos from her because her friend took some pictures about him at the Carnival. Since that day, I started to chat with her before I got to bed.
What will it be? Hope for the very best in the year of 2016. Happy happy new year!
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
"23rd December 2015"
There will be a Christmas Carnival at a Chinese village, and I'll be one of the helpers for the event. I'll be in charge of a Carnival game, and the game is called "Oh, My Mouse!". The player has to pick up the tail of a rat which is only a soft toy, and put it between of their toes, and the player has to swing his or her leg to throw the rat into a container. There are 4 containers all together, so he or she has to throw a rat into each of the container from the one nearest to him or her until the furthest one.
Actually the original game which my leader asked my partner and I to do was not like this at all. Initially, it should be a hanging board, and the player has to kick balls into the holes of the board. However, I didn't like this idea because the hanging board might be broken if the player kicks a ball too harshly to the board. Moreover, my partner and I might have to run everywhere to bring back all the balls. Hence, I myself changed the whole game into this so called "Oh, My Mouse!". My partner was so busy, and thus I prepared the whole game by myself alone. Every single thing was on me, from thinking about the idea of the game, buying stuff for the game, setting up the whole game, confirming the rules to get points, and till bringing all these stuff to the place. Obviously my partner is a sleeping member for this Carnival game. The worst part is, he is afraid of rats, and so he won't play the game.
What to do? Someone must be willing to sacrifice for having this Carnival game. People who are living in the city like to use the word 'busy'. It seems everyone is busy besides me. Their time is always fills up with all sorts of programs or events, so full until no time for themselves. When I tell them I'm quite free, all of them will look at me as if I'm an alien for a distant planet.
There will be a Christmas Carnival at a Chinese village, and I'll be one of the helpers for the event. I'll be in charge of a Carnival game, and the game is called "Oh, My Mouse!". The player has to pick up the tail of a rat which is only a soft toy, and put it between of their toes, and the player has to swing his or her leg to throw the rat into a container. There are 4 containers all together, so he or she has to throw a rat into each of the container from the one nearest to him or her until the furthest one.
Actually the original game which my leader asked my partner and I to do was not like this at all. Initially, it should be a hanging board, and the player has to kick balls into the holes of the board. However, I didn't like this idea because the hanging board might be broken if the player kicks a ball too harshly to the board. Moreover, my partner and I might have to run everywhere to bring back all the balls. Hence, I myself changed the whole game into this so called "Oh, My Mouse!". My partner was so busy, and thus I prepared the whole game by myself alone. Every single thing was on me, from thinking about the idea of the game, buying stuff for the game, setting up the whole game, confirming the rules to get points, and till bringing all these stuff to the place. Obviously my partner is a sleeping member for this Carnival game. The worst part is, he is afraid of rats, and so he won't play the game.
What to do? Someone must be willing to sacrifice for having this Carnival game. People who are living in the city like to use the word 'busy'. It seems everyone is busy besides me. Their time is always fills up with all sorts of programs or events, so full until no time for themselves. When I tell them I'm quite free, all of them will look at me as if I'm an alien for a distant planet.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
《二零一五年十二月二十二日》
开始写这部落格的时候，曾幻想会有很多人来浏览。可是过了几个月，发现并非如此，有时候还会出现完全没有人来阅读的窘境。虽然是这样，还是会坚持继续写下去。得到躁郁症，并不是自己想要的，所以真的不必感到羞愧。要感到羞耻的，是无法接受这事实和大胆面对它。
今天吃了午餐后，有个大约四十多岁的女子来求助，希望我能借钱给她打车油和付过路费，所以她要求至少十元或最多五十元。她跟我要了手机号码，并告诉我，她会把我所借给她的钱透过网上的银行电子转账还给我。我想了一想，决定借给她三十元。她很开心，频频向我道谢后，就迅速跑开了，几乎在一瞬间转眼不见了人影。
觉得自己应该是被骗了，毕竟这样的骗子真的很多很多。三十元可以买挺丰富的午餐和晚餐。即使是个老千，她也需要钱来生活。算了，当作送给她的一份圣诞礼物。
开始写这部落格的时候，曾幻想会有很多人来浏览。可是过了几个月，发现并非如此，有时候还会出现完全没有人来阅读的窘境。虽然是这样，还是会坚持继续写下去。得到躁郁症，并不是自己想要的，所以真的不必感到羞愧。要感到羞耻的，是无法接受这事实和大胆面对它。
今天吃了午餐后，有个大约四十多岁的女子来求助，希望我能借钱给她打车油和付过路费，所以她要求至少十元或最多五十元。她跟我要了手机号码，并告诉我，她会把我所借给她的钱透过网上的银行电子转账还给我。我想了一想，决定借给她三十元。她很开心，频频向我道谢后，就迅速跑开了，几乎在一瞬间转眼不见了人影。
觉得自己应该是被骗了，毕竟这样的骗子真的很多很多。三十元可以买挺丰富的午餐和晚餐。即使是个老千，她也需要钱来生活。算了，当作送给她的一份圣诞礼物。
Friday, December 18, 2015
"18th December 2015"
My aunt in Singapore asked me about the medication I take because her neighbour's daughter is suffering with the same mental illness as I. I told her that I take 200 mg (one tablet) of sodium valproate (commonly known as epilim) daily. Normally, the dose should be 1200 mg (six tablets) of epilim daily. According to my aunt, her neighbour's daughter always feels dizziness and tired, and she's only able to teach 2 to 3 pupils a day. Later, my aunt found out that her problem is very choosy on food, she doesn't want to eat so many types of food. Whether this is true or false, frankly speaking, I do not know.
What I know is, every patient is different, very different. All the mental illness people have their own unique maze and they have to walk out from the maze by themselves. Unfortunately, even the other patient who has the same problem cannot give a hand in helping them to walk out from the maze. It does sound depressing anyway. It's important that we need to keep taking medication on time but we also need to feedback to our psychiatrists about the side effects of the medication. Do we really trust our psychiatrists? If they know our problems, surely they will look for another more suitable medication.
Mindset is another tough issue. I know there are some articles saying that we should not judge the mindset of the mental illness patients because they are born to be like this. Of course they do not use this sentence, but this is the hidden meaning that I get from their articles. We as mental illness people have to change our mindset. I repeat, it is necessary for all the mental illness people to change our mindset. I think, the better mindset should be, although we may be different from other people, but we can still have a normal, happy and healthy lifestyle, and also we may go on for our dreams.
My aunt in Singapore asked me about the medication I take because her neighbour's daughter is suffering with the same mental illness as I. I told her that I take 200 mg (one tablet) of sodium valproate (commonly known as epilim) daily. Normally, the dose should be 1200 mg (six tablets) of epilim daily. According to my aunt, her neighbour's daughter always feels dizziness and tired, and she's only able to teach 2 to 3 pupils a day. Later, my aunt found out that her problem is very choosy on food, she doesn't want to eat so many types of food. Whether this is true or false, frankly speaking, I do not know.
What I know is, every patient is different, very different. All the mental illness people have their own unique maze and they have to walk out from the maze by themselves. Unfortunately, even the other patient who has the same problem cannot give a hand in helping them to walk out from the maze. It does sound depressing anyway. It's important that we need to keep taking medication on time but we also need to feedback to our psychiatrists about the side effects of the medication. Do we really trust our psychiatrists? If they know our problems, surely they will look for another more suitable medication.
Mindset is another tough issue. I know there are some articles saying that we should not judge the mindset of the mental illness patients because they are born to be like this. Of course they do not use this sentence, but this is the hidden meaning that I get from their articles. We as mental illness people have to change our mindset. I repeat, it is necessary for all the mental illness people to change our mindset. I think, the better mindset should be, although we may be different from other people, but we can still have a normal, happy and healthy lifestyle, and also we may go on for our dreams.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
《二零一五年十二月十七日》
度过了几天的不安和忐忑，可惜还须要这样继续下去。星期一突然有个特别假期，所以可以有机会去到大学，再次跟未来的讲师见面以商讨将要研究的东西。有了完整的概念后，第二天就把建议书写好呈上，静静等待着那未来讲师的通过。
所认识的朋友当中，有一天传来一个有关明年三月的单身生活营。那是三天两夜的生活营，从星期六直到星期一，所以星期一须要请一天假。问题是星期六那天，刚好是我下一次复诊的日期，所以昨天匆匆忙忙把复诊的日期提前一个星期。父母亲还不知道我想参加这个生活营，若他们知道，肯定会很高兴。
明年三月，又刚巧是我参加双项铁人运动赛，同时也计划开始这博士课程。若再穿插这单身生活营，那么明年的三月将会非常多姿多彩。不敢奢望，因为害怕会失望，但还是要保存一丁点儿的小盼望。
度过了几天的不安和忐忑，可惜还须要这样继续下去。星期一突然有个特别假期，所以可以有机会去到大学，再次跟未来的讲师见面以商讨将要研究的东西。有了完整的概念后，第二天就把建议书写好呈上，静静等待着那未来讲师的通过。
所认识的朋友当中，有一天传来一个有关明年三月的单身生活营。那是三天两夜的生活营，从星期六直到星期一，所以星期一须要请一天假。问题是星期六那天，刚好是我下一次复诊的日期，所以昨天匆匆忙忙把复诊的日期提前一个星期。父母亲还不知道我想参加这个生活营，若他们知道，肯定会很高兴。
明年三月，又刚巧是我参加双项铁人运动赛，同时也计划开始这博士课程。若再穿插这单身生活营，那么明年的三月将会非常多姿多彩。不敢奢望，因为害怕会失望，但还是要保存一丁点儿的小盼望。
Saturday, December 12, 2015
"12th December 2015"
Waiting for my turn to consult my psychiatrist while writing this post. As I have posted yesterday in Chinese, I was glad that I've got a chance to study PhD at a local university.
Generally, my mental health condition has been stabilised and I'm on the way to proceed my dream: a researcher and tutor in telecommunications field without thinking about retirement.
I had a group discussion with three tutors about the PhD course that I'll do next year. Let them know about my mental problem so that they would not get surprised if I relapse half way while studying the course. They were okay with it and just advised me to relax.
On the way to prepare a proposal, so that I can start my course next year. Hope everything is all right.
Waiting for my turn to consult my psychiatrist while writing this post. As I have posted yesterday in Chinese, I was glad that I've got a chance to study PhD at a local university.
Generally, my mental health condition has been stabilised and I'm on the way to proceed my dream: a researcher and tutor in telecommunications field without thinking about retirement.
I had a group discussion with three tutors about the PhD course that I'll do next year. Let them know about my mental problem so that they would not get surprised if I relapse half way while studying the course. They were okay with it and just advised me to relax.
On the way to prepare a proposal, so that I can start my course next year. Hope everything is all right.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
"4th December 2015"
Before I returned home from work, I wrote something and nearly sent it out to my mentor:
Before I returned home from work, I wrote something and nearly sent it out to my mentor:
"Since
the day I was being labeled as mentally ill, it marked the beginning of a
lonely road. Although I was still surrounded by family and friends, but
they were far away from my heart. Throughout all these years, I was trying
exhaustively to bring myself back to them but it ended up with every effort was
in vain. It seemed like I have recovered and as long as I kept my secret, no
one would ever know it. I could easily understand everyone around me, having a
pair of ears in listening to their stories or problems, and it was easy to feel
what they felt as if I’d become them themselves. However, when I shared my
stories, I could sense the one who was listening to me, struggling hard to
understand."
The title for the email was "Long for some true friends". Anyway, I didn't send it out because I knew it was still too soon to quit. Keep on trying. There must be a way.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
《二零一五年十二月三日》
无可否认的，要找个可以畅所欲言的朋友很难，何况是被医生标签为精神病患者的人。很多话，需要在脑袋里无数次思考后，才可以说出口。其实在情绪高昂的时期，当脑袋运作迅速的时候，话语在脑袋里无数次思考是轻而易举的事。可是在情绪低落时，字句在脑海里疏疏落落，要拼成字句都觉得有些困难的时候，就会很容易说错话，说了一大堆不该说的话。
虽然躁郁症病患者的数目不少，可是大家都不知觉对自己的状况觉得可耻，以致在情绪不怎么好的时候，都会把自己隐藏起来，与外界暂时远远隔离。害怕说错话，或不经意做错事时，一直要频频向他人道歉，那种愧疚感，万分不好受。在这时候会感到莫名的无助，往往会对某人过份依赖，导致某人会觉得很压力，严重的话会让某人与病患者断绝关系，并严重警告患者不要再打扰他。
怎么办呢？相信最好的方法，就是暂时与外界隔离，可是心里必需紧紧抓住希望。一般人不了解这种说怎么说也说不清的状况，当然真的很想很想说，可惜没有人会明白。有天醒悟时，发现原来什么都不用说，只希望有人在身边陪伴，更渴望有人会拍拍自己的肩膀，还是给予我一个大大的拥抱，这样已经足够了。
无可否认的，要找个可以畅所欲言的朋友很难，何况是被医生标签为精神病患者的人。很多话，需要在脑袋里无数次思考后，才可以说出口。其实在情绪高昂的时期，当脑袋运作迅速的时候，话语在脑袋里无数次思考是轻而易举的事。可是在情绪低落时，字句在脑海里疏疏落落，要拼成字句都觉得有些困难的时候，就会很容易说错话，说了一大堆不该说的话。
虽然躁郁症病患者的数目不少，可是大家都不知觉对自己的状况觉得可耻，以致在情绪不怎么好的时候，都会把自己隐藏起来，与外界暂时远远隔离。害怕说错话，或不经意做错事时，一直要频频向他人道歉，那种愧疚感，万分不好受。在这时候会感到莫名的无助，往往会对某人过份依赖，导致某人会觉得很压力，严重的话会让某人与病患者断绝关系，并严重警告患者不要再打扰他。
怎么办呢？相信最好的方法，就是暂时与外界隔离，可是心里必需紧紧抓住希望。一般人不了解这种说怎么说也说不清的状况，当然真的很想很想说，可惜没有人会明白。有天醒悟时，发现原来什么都不用说，只希望有人在身边陪伴，更渴望有人会拍拍自己的肩膀，还是给予我一个大大的拥抱，这样已经足够了。
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
“1st December 2015”
It’s really a painful and tiring condition during the
depressed state. Heart is aching, and keeps thinking of lying for a long time
in a bed. Due to medication, the feeling is still bearable. Life can still go
on.
During this state, brain functions slower and easily got
headache and dizziness. Words scatter in my mind and hardly for me to put those
words into some proper sentences. This should be my shortest English post so
far. Whatsoever, I’ve determined to keep going on and never quit no matter high
or low.
We walk together, fight together and win together. Never
ever quit.
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