2021-10-29
昨天在疫情下度过生日，有来自亲朋好友的祝福，跟父母亲度过开心的一天。父母一直希望我能早日成家，心里清楚知道这几乎是一个不可能的任务。
大学的硕士课程刚开始，只能抱着一颗平常心面对。给予自己半年的时间，若情况有所差错就必须马上停止。到底会有什么问题呢？到目前为止，怎么想都想不到会出什么事。无论如何，要保持警惕，好让发生事情时不会措手不及。
过去读书时，总会发生问题。有些亲戚知道我想继续读书，都担心不已。若这一次再发生事情，那么就不会再尝试踏入校园了。想要成为研究员的梦想，也只能是个梦。硕士过后还有博士，仍然有很长的路要走。
有梦是好事，可以有活下去的斗志。但是如果梦想成为了不必要的负担和枷锁，那么必定要懂得松开双手。何时该坚持不懈？何时该豁达放手？确实是很深奥的学问。
2021-10-27
Got the opportunity to study a master course at University of Malaya. Actually I wanted to study a PhD course but the master degree I have is not qualified for that. It should be a good stepping stone towards a PhD.
For my bachelor and master degrees, I had had a breakdown for both of the courses. Although I could still manage to complete those courses, but the experiences were terribly heartbreaking. I was feeling so helpless like a little child, until I didn't know how to pack my clothes to return back to Malaysia. Two good friends from Malaysia who stay in the UK came to me, and they helped me to pack.
During all those days, I was living in fears and totally no confidence. Kept bothering whoever I knew and kept on talking with them. My used to be godmother, who was also my Sunday school teacher, she was so frustrated until she decided to end our relationships, asking not to talk to her anymore. And also, during that period, I lost almost all my friends. Even my sister also almost wanted to break the relationship with me.
I don't have confidence to pass with flying colours for this master course. Moreover, I already set a 6 months probation period. If anything goes wrong or fail a subject, then I have to quit this course whatsoever. All in all, having a good health is much more important than getting another masters.
2021-09-17
其实我自己并不知道，何时会陷入混乱之中。虽然一直按时服药，但依然没有完全的信心，在遇到突然而来的紧急大事件，是否还可以保存着理智。若可以，如果幸运的话，有个伴侣在身旁，你我好好彼此相伴扶持。
在写着这部落格时，我仍然是单身，并没有所谓的另一半，也没有女朋友。随着年纪逐渐变老，父母亲都很焦虑，十分担心在他们离开后，谁会在我需要的时候给予照顾。是的，这确实是一个很重要的课题。当然在面对这问题之前，必需能够如一般人那样生活。同样的，我没有十全的把握，向世界宣布已经跟一般人无异。
所谓居安思危，在日子过得安稳时要想想未来可能会出现的问题。在这里，我发现精神病患者必需有几个能给予即时协助的人士。这些人有相关的知识和能力，可以立即给予我们很大的帮助。由于众多的精神病患者并非富裕，或来自富有的家庭，政府确实需要设立这所谓的“救命人员”提供援助。
宗教集团在这方面，当然可以提供帮助。他们可以在信徒里头，教导信徒们要包容和协助精神病患者，切勿排挤或鄙视我们。我是一名基督教徒，很遗憾会在此抱怨，教会并无法提供我需要的帮助。无论怎么样，我会学习原谅和包容。感觉上，自己像是一个边缘人，在精神病患群体里最接近正常的那一位；在一般人当中却又属于较为异常的那一个。结果，两边都不是。
没有关系，我内心衷心渴望精神病患者都能好好生活。更重要的是，我们大家都能够成功融入这个世界里。
2021-09-15
"Everything will get better and better." I keep telling myself this sentence again and again. If you watch YouTube videos about those famous people who used to prophecy, nearly all of them tell us it's getting worse.
This is a strange behaviour of human beings. People tend to talk bad things about other people. People are more attracted to bad news. It's rare for people who love talking good things about other people. And it's rare people keep on reading good news. Hence, it's much easier for us to criticise rather than to praise.
In fact, I used to criticise as well. Used to think that I was much better than most of the people. The whole scenario changed once I have had been labelled as 'bipolar disorder'. This seemed like a dead sentence for me. By having such a label, I was almost the worst among everyone. No more dignity, no more self esteem. Anyhow, should I remain like this for the rest of my life?
A group of people would think that everything has been fixed, and there's nothing much we could do. This kind of predestination thought printed deeply in all these people. In contrast, I believe in free will, I believe in we have the ability to change. Although I used to think that no one would ever love me due to this mental illness. And now, I would want to change this thought to be, I believe someone would still love me with this mental illness.
It's true that such a mental illness is a great obstacle. And it's also true that we could overcome the obstacle. As long as we keep a good health, we would have more time to deal with it. Yes, I'm getting older and older, but at the same time, I'm getting wiser and wiser.
2021-08-24
双相情感障碍患者在工作方面当然会面对比一般人更加多的问题。无论如何，人人都需要一份工作。至于精神病患者，我们更需要一份稳定的工作。
精神疾病是属于私人的问题，我们不必要把这问题写在履历里，但要肯定我们可以胜任该工作。试用期短则三个月，长则六个月，这段时间确实不好过。我们只有尽上最大的努力，但千万不可让自己陷入精神崩溃。我是一名电讯工程师，在某间国际企业里工作。这公司的试用期长达六个月，压力大得几乎要让我精神崩溃。记得几乎要通过试用期之前，直接告诉上司我的病情，过后去直接去看精神科医生。父母亲大力反对我这样做，因为这样会摧毁了我的事业。我曾经以为自己一定可以，但当内在情绪动荡和不断淌血时，非常需要停下来。
公司看到我的努力，也看到我的成绩，并正式雇佣了我。由于只可以做白天的工作，不可以长时间工作，也不可以如平常工程师那样全时间戒备似地工作，过了许多年之后仍然是一名初级工程师。跟我同时间加入此公司的同事，还是比我更迟加入公司的同事，他们都远远超越了我。心里会不平衡，以至曾经辞去这份工作再远赴英国修读硕士。可是在那里又发生精神崩溃而把一切计划都砸碎，幸好旧公司依然肯重新雇佣我。在同一间公司做了许多年，至今也依然是个初级工程师。无所谓吧，至少可以有份工作。
是的，这只是我个人的分享。我们要接受自己的不足，要接受自己的软弱。千万不要看不起自己，因为这一路走来真的很辛苦。在这浩瀚的宇宙里，我们还有一席之地。身为地球的一份子，我们可以贡献少许，这已经很棒啦！
2021-08-23
How people react when you tell him or her that you have bipolar disorder? In fact, most of the people don't know how to react. From my own experience, they prefer to keep silence or assume I've never told them a word.
What is the motive behind that I wanted to tell someone that I have such a mental illness? As what I could observe, the majority should act in a certain range for a situation. However, for the same situation, I have acted out of the scope. For example, during this pandemic, I cannot attend choir in a church. All the choir members have to record their singings accordingly. It's really tough to do so. I had tried my best but the video clip has been rejected. This is only the first try. For the majority, they would try to record for the second time. My mood suddenly dropped a few days ago and I have to suffer a long lasting painful feeling inside. In such a circumstance, I felt fed up and wanted to quit straight away. My choir leader patiently advised me not to do so. And then, I felt sorry and told him directly that I have bipolar disorder and being in depression state now, and also I have to suffer the long lasting painful feeling at the moment.
Guess what the feedback from the choir leader? No feedback. What they should response? Another question is, what response we really want? From their point of view, it'll be safe to keep silence. If they say something inappropriate, maybe we would be much worse. All right, this seems correct whatsoever. Anyway, do we expect a silence from the people whenever we tell them about our mental problems? The answer is obviously NO. The main message today is not teaching people how to react. I just want to share with all the mental illness people that it's okay that you tell someone about your mental problems but please do not expect much from the people. Let them know our limitation so that we do not have to bear unnecessary burdens. The painful feeling that we need to suffer is hard to be understood by those who do not have such a problem.
2021-07-28
在这段时间，因各种突发事件，有很多人的精神状况都出现了问题。按照一路以来的数据，双相情感病患者的自杀比率是极其惊人的，每四位病患者就有一位曾经试图自杀。可是现在，有很多人陷入了困境又无法走出来，导致最终自我了断。
“记得寻求帮助。” 有位恩师给予我的良言。当我们被某些事物困扰，尽了最大的脑力和体力都无法解决时，记得向他人寻求帮助。有很多时候，他人都可以帮助我们，至少我们知道有人关心自己的问题，我们并非孤单一人面对问题。这里指的是，自己无论怎么绞尽脑汁都无法处理的事物，不是一般自己就可处理好的琐事。
需要他人帮助时，不要继续高举尊严和面子。千万不要觉得羞耻或丢了面子，因为这些在精神崩溃前并不算什么。向肯帮助你的人寻求帮助，而不是自己苦苦支撑，到最后无法支撑倒下而自杀。毕竟事实是，当我们寻求他人的协助，这举动根本不是件羞耻的事。若我们可以做到的事，我们会很开心去帮助某人。同样的，他人也会很乐意来帮助我们。
这里有个重点，那就是我们是自重和自爱的群体。不需要他人来尊敬我们，而是我们自己瞧得起自己。不需要他人来疼爱我们，而是自己关爱自己。或许在接受别人帮助的过程里，会认为自己很没用，怎么没有什么机会去帮助人。至少至少至少，我们可以好好照顾自己。家人和关心我们的人都会很欣慰，我们可以好好生活。
谢谢每一位曾经帮助我的人，因为没有了你们，我无法走到今天。谢谢！
