2021-05-27

During this moment, we are easily be trapped in tons of negative news and emotions. People start grumble about this and that. It's really terribly hard to maintain a good spirit. The main thing is, we need to try our best to avoid ourselves blend into the same terrible sea of grudges.

Isolation from time to time is important. I personally need quite a huge amount of me-time. In the me-time, try to dig deeper into the heart, and make sure all the 'essential parts' are okay. Bipolar disorder people are pretty sensitive indeed. We have to make sure that we do not take other negative moods as if all those moods belong to us. Which one is ours and which one is others? We need to make sure about it clearly. 

Besides, I also take a firm stand in the time I need to rest and get to bed. I have informed my colleagues and superiors that my mental health condition needs a specific time to rest and could not be disturbed. This is really quite tough in handling my job. Should I be so cruel to see my colleagues suffering while I just doing nothing? Anyway, if I cannot have enough rest, I'll bring more sufferings to those who care and love me. 

Please keep in mind that we may not know our destination, but no matter what, we have to go on. Yes, please do go on whatsoever. It's difficult for everyone during such a moment. We have to go on and have a hope in our heart.  

 2021-04-20

当我们不断把注意力放在自己身上，极度关切自己感觉上的起伏变换，确实难免会变得越来越自我中心。随着时间的消逝，渐渐地认为一切一切都围着自己转动。事实是，我们只是宇宙里的尘埃。

很多时候，我们非常在乎的事，其实并不是那么的重要。完美主义或理想主义，会不会把我们给蒙蔽了呢？是的，我们当然希望一切如愿，当然希望一切都如此美好。可惜现实总是残酷的，他人对于精神病患者的怜悯也并非理所当然。在这个看重物质、金钱与利益的社会，肯定不是什么所谓的慈善机构。他人对我好，我会心存感激。若他人对我不好，却不可以心怀怨恨，毕竟他人并没有义务善待我。

我到底想表达什么呢？想说的是，在这世上肯定有在乎你的人，而且肯定不止一位。是的，精神病患者都要承受着精神上折磨，煎熬得如哑巴吃黄连，无论我们怎么向别人倾述都没有人能理解。为了关心你的人，我们务必要重新站立起来！这些关心你的人，他们对你的颓废消沉，对你看待生活的意兴阑珊，有多么多么的心痛，你知道吗？你是否想过，你与他角色变换，换成了你要帮助一位精神病患者好好振作起来。你可否想过，这任务有多么的艰难呢？他们脸上的无奈与疲劳，正意味着他们真的不知道还能怎么做，才能让你好好生活下去。在我们处于煎熬处境里，能否同时关切与可怜他们呢？

身为一位精神病患者，一位百分百的残疾人士，在许多事物上都会受人白眼，同时在背后也成为了很多人的笑柄。纵然如此，我仍然想为这世界贡献出一份绵力，即使是微乎其微的功劳也好，却不想成为爱我的人的包袱。

 2021-04-19

It comes again. Yes, twice a year, I need to suffer a long uncomfortable state. No idea whether it's depressed, manic or mixed, definitely a painful period for me. As time goes by, it happens again and again around April and November.

The fact is, my medication (lithium carbonate) does ease the pains. Before my very first breakdown, before being diagnosed as having bipolar disorder, when this happened, I had to paralyse in a bed for almost the whole day. When night fell, then I had a bit of strength to get out of the bed and find something to eat. Many years ago, it happened for a day. And many years after, it lasts for a few weeks. It is true that as I'm getting older and older, this uncomfortable state is getting longer and longer as well. 

Please take note that I'm still suffering while writing this blog. It is obvious that the medication could help me in getting a normal life as others. Of course, my productivity drops but I could keep up with my daily routines. For all the readers, you might think I have a strong mind to handle it. No, this is not true. Every bipolar people could share with you that this kind of emotional painful feeling is a tragedy. From my point of view, this painful feeling could be described as someone is piercing my heart bit by bit with a little sharp knife, and the blood flows out of the heart slowly. 

When the medication takes action, all these feelings are being minimised to the point that I could proceed with my daily routines. Besides, I love to study so much. Found a suitable master degree at a local university and I have registered with the university. Although I have such a mental illness, I'm still able to go for my dreams and various of hobbies. In fact, other people including all the ladies might look at me as a hopeless weirdo. As for me, life goes on, and there are 'mountains' ahead to be climbed. 

 2021-03-23

Obviously, it's essential for the bipolar people to remain calm for as long as possible. Unfortunately, there are dozens of reasons for anyone to lose temper easily. Theoretically, if we could be calm forever, then we do not have to take medication. 

Yes, that's right! If we could remain calm forever... Hold on, who could ever make it? In fact, none! No matter how good our temper is, we might lose our temper unpredictably. When I lose my temper, I would be outrageous, erupted like a volcano. Generally, I'm really a good temper guy but when I lose my temper, it would be crazily scary! Sigh... I'd never meant to act in this way whatsoever. 

Since my last discharge from the ward (in the end of the year of 2017), I was being outrageous twice in total. It was absolutely out of my control, and I didn't know why I suddenly got so mad. Fortunately, my medication did help me. Since I discharged from the ward till now, I faithfully take my medication and never miss a doss. If I stopped my medication, then for sure I'd have to admit psychiatric ward again due to falling into the chaos mind state and couldn't pull myself out of it. 

It was really strange that I did get so mad, and after a while, I could get back my sanity. It didn't happen once but twice. This really shows that taking medication is so important for all the bipolar people. The experience of breakdowns were too tough to bear. After breakdowns, the time to recover was pretty long. When I could get back my normal life, my soul was full of scars and might still bleeding. Everyone who did experience it sure doesn't want to have another breakdown. No more, please.

The side effects of the medication are so frightening and true. When I compare the side effects with my breakdowns, it's a wiser choice taking medication faithfully. Of course, I want to be a fit guy NOT a fat guy. And of course, I want to have a crystal clear mind NOT a foggy mind. All in all, undoubtedly NO breakdowns. 

  

 2021-03-22

一个月才写一次的部落格，确实不感到什么压力，也因为这样，可以一直这样继续下去。在写这部落格之前，会反复问自己，当中的内容有没有重复？阅读这部落格的人士会否从中得到什么正面的信息？

一般的情况下，精神科医生一开药给躁郁症（双向情感障碍）病患者，通常都是“丙戊酸钠”（Sodium Valproate），又名“抗癫灵”或“艾匹灵”（Epilim）。这药可以对付躁郁症，加上它的副作用并不致命。按道理来说，这药物不会导致肥胖，只是让患者胃口变得特别好。事实是，这药确实会导致肥胖，一个人胃口特别好，吃得特别多，肯定会变得特别胖！我曾经一直服用艾匹灵，可惜始终无法长时间服用。由于身为男子，不会太介意体型变胖。让我放弃服用的原因，是这药物令人懊恼的第二大副作用：忧郁时会更加忧郁，还会把忧郁的时间拉长！

2017年年初，精神崩溃入院后，还被送进疗养院一个多月。出来后，当然乖乖长期服用着艾匹灵。必须知道的是，纵然服了药，躁郁症病患者仍然会经历：高亢期、忧郁期、混乱期（高亢加上忧郁）以及普通期，当然比不上没服药时那般显著。进入忧郁期时，艾匹灵让我更加忧郁，甚至无止境地忧郁下去，长达了六个月！忍耐得无法继续忍耐的情况下，跟家人说，请马上送我进入精神病院，好像快要崩溃啦。就这样又进入了精神病院。精神科医生马上帮我换了药，换成了“碳酸锂”（Lithium Carbonate），期果效比艾匹灵好多了。

为何医生不让患者一开始即服用碳酸锂呢？因为这药的副作用相当致命：它会导致患者的肾脏衰竭而亡！现在情况算是安稳，大约一年一次去医院复诊，而复诊前必需验血。精神科医生可透过验血报告，来鉴定这碳酸锂药物不会导致我的肾脏衰竭。所幸的是，到目前为止安然无恙。双相情感障碍的医药研究似乎停顿了十几二十年，没有什么进展，更不必说有什么突破，艾匹灵和碳酸锂仍旧是最主要的两种药物。患者们要自强乐观，因我们至少还有这两种药物。

 2021-02-25

I was talking about stubbornness in the Chinese language session. Actually both languages are solely independent. I never intend to interpret the Chinese messages into English and vice versa. Generally stubbornness is never a good character. However, there is a great character which seems almost like stubbornness but there are not the same. It is --- perseverance. 

Recently, this word is hot due to a machine which is called Perseverance has landed on Mars! For sure, no one would ever name the machine as Stubbornness. Frankly speaking, I did not and might do not understand deeply the meaning of these words. Just googled the main difference for these words and I got: Stubbornness keeps us stuck in an unwanted situation but perseverance makes us moving on although the current state is bad. In brief, stubbornness is bad but perseverance is good. 

Let me give you an example. If I want to put away the labeling 'bipolar disorder' and I go stop taking medication and assume that I'm OK, and I do it again and again and again. This is stubbornness for sure because I put myself in a dangerous situation which I would probably being triggered and breakdown, and this happens again and again. I was really stubborn for doing so because due to this stupidity I have numerous breakdowns. 

How about perseverance? Most of the people never experience a breakdown and they have no idea how difficult it is to recover from it. While I was in a psychiatric ward due to a breakdown, I couldn't have a clear mind at once. It was like in a great maze in my mind, and I was trying hard to walk out of the maze. Day by day, I got closer and closer to the exit. I knew I could never ever give up. When I escaped from the maze, I got back my sanity and I knew where I was. After that, I would be discharged from the ward. The character to keep searching for the exit is called perseverance. 

My friends especially those who have bipolar, we must have perseverance to go on. Life would be great, so please do not quit easily.  

 2021-02-24

一月四日动了左大腿骨断裂的手术后，至今已有七个多星期。目前不再须要拐杖步行，但走起来却显得蹒跚怪异。因为这场意外，吃了很多很多的苦头。那刻骨铭心的痛，是永远都无法忘记的。

在电视剧里，看到精神病患发病的剧情，总在心里带来很大冲击，犹如涟漪般向周围大大扩散出去。有些演员演得太真实，让我不禁怀疑那演员是否真的有精神问题。说实话，身为精神病患者的我，阅读另一个精神病患者的部落格，确实是非常难受。因为我能深深体会患者的痛，仿佛那场意外所带给我身体上的剧痛一样。看了后，只能感叹：“爱莫能助。”

有很多东西做不到。无法成为光，指引患者坦然从困境里走出来。在生活中，尽量显得乐观积极，希望能带给身旁的人欢乐。当能量微弱时，学习在安静中与自己进行深层的心灵会话。不止精神病患者不敢面对最赤裸的自己，包括一般人都不喜欢这么做，一直用各种方式来麻醉自己。事实是，除了你自己，谁可以更了解自己？勇敢去探索内心的‘禁地’，去了解为何会有如此巨大的反应。

随着年龄渐长，领会有许多事都不必执著。关于这点，一般人面对许多不必要的苦楚，问题来源也是过于执著。说到这里，可以做个结论，精神病患者和一般人在许多事上都近乎没有差别。精神病患要注意的事，一般人也同样需要注意。唯一的差别是，在躁郁症（至今变成了--- 双向情感障碍）里，我个人觉得，一切的感应都放大了许多。这样可以解释，为什么开心的时候会比一般人更加兴奋，而伤心的时候又比一般人更加沮丧，加上生气时会比一般人更加狂烈！

重点是，不要执著，因为是与非并非重点。即使有能力把对方辩倒，让对方哑口无言，可是对方无论如何都不会因此屈服，但所造成的感情破裂是不必要的。竟知之，何为之？