2021-08-23

How people react when you tell him or her that you have bipolar disorder? In fact, most of the people don't know how to react. From my own experience, they prefer to keep silence or assume I've never told them a word. 

What is the motive behind that I wanted to tell someone that I have such a mental illness? As what I could observe, the majority should act in a certain range for a situation. However, for the same situation, I have acted out of the scope. For example, during this pandemic, I cannot attend choir in a church. All the choir members have to record their singings accordingly. It's really tough to do so. I had tried my best but the video clip has been rejected. This is only the first try. For the majority, they would try to record for the second time. My mood suddenly dropped a few days ago and I have to suffer a long lasting painful feeling inside. In such a circumstance, I felt fed up and wanted to quit straight away. My choir leader patiently advised me not to do so. And then, I felt sorry and told him directly that I have bipolar disorder and being in depression state now, and also I have to suffer the long lasting painful feeling at the moment.

Guess what the feedback from the choir leader? No feedback. What they should response? Another question is, what response we really want? From their point of view, it'll be safe to keep silence. If they say something inappropriate, maybe we would be much worse. All right, this seems correct whatsoever. Anyway, do we expect a silence from the people whenever we tell them about our mental problems? The answer is obviously NO. The main message today is not teaching people how to react. I just want to share with all the mental illness people that it's okay that you tell someone about your mental problems but please do not expect much from the people. Let them know our limitation so that we do not have to bear unnecessary burdens. The painful feeling that we need to suffer is hard to be understood by those who do not have such a problem.      

 2021-07-28

在这段时间，因各种突发事件，有很多人的精神状况都出现了问题。按照一路以来的数据，双相情感病患者的自杀比率是极其惊人的，每四位病患者就有一位曾经试图自杀。可是现在，有很多人陷入了困境又无法走出来，导致最终自我了断。

“记得寻求帮助。” 有位恩师给予我的良言。当我们被某些事物困扰，尽了最大的脑力和体力都无法解决时，记得向他人寻求帮助。有很多时候，他人都可以帮助我们，至少我们知道有人关心自己的问题，我们并非孤单一人面对问题。这里指的是，自己无论怎么绞尽脑汁都无法处理的事物，不是一般自己就可处理好的琐事。

需要他人帮助时，不要继续高举尊严和面子。千万不要觉得羞耻或丢了面子，因为这些在精神崩溃前并不算什么。向肯帮助你的人寻求帮助，而不是自己苦苦支撑，到最后无法支撑倒下而自杀。毕竟事实是，当我们寻求他人的协助，这举动根本不是件羞耻的事。若我们可以做到的事，我们会很开心去帮助某人。同样的，他人也会很乐意来帮助我们。

这里有个重点，那就是我们是自重和自爱的群体。不需要他人来尊敬我们，而是我们自己瞧得起自己。不需要他人来疼爱我们，而是自己关爱自己。或许在接受别人帮助的过程里，会认为自己很没用，怎么没有什么机会去帮助人。至少至少至少，我们可以好好照顾自己。家人和关心我们的人都会很欣慰，我们可以好好生活。

谢谢每一位曾经帮助我的人，因为没有了你们，我无法走到今天。谢谢！

 2021-07-26

During this long lasting lockdown at my place, the suicidal rate increases tremendously. We are in a tunnel which there is no clue when would we see the light. While reading newspaper, most of the news are bad and depressing. 

Those who committed suicide, most of them were considered okay in the view of the people. How about those who are mentally ill? Obviously, it's tough for us. For example, I love traveling around and go swimming. At this moment, I cannot go traveling, and cannot go for swimming. Being trapped under such a circumstance and there's no way out. 

Thankfully, I could still run around my house every single morning. Besides medication, exercise is a great medicine for mentally ill people. While I was studying in the UK, a therapist advised me to run every day. I was wondering, how to run every day? That time, running twice a week was more than enough. And now, running daily really could keep me going. 

I run really slowly every day. Not about the end result nor distance, but the experience of running for a long time, not thinking about anything, not worrying about the present and future. Just a simple hope, the hope about a good future for everyone, that the pandemic would cease as soon as possible. 

While sleeping at night, the deep sorrow feelings might be too heavy to bear. Hence, I just think that, tomorrow early morning, I would be running around. After a while, I would fall asleep gradually.  

 2021-06-23

曾经试着跟女生交往，过后发现在东方的社会似乎没有人肯接受精神病患者成为终身伴侣。东方与西方在思想价值观方面，确实存在着很大的鸿沟。东方当然有不少美好的价值观，这是毋庸置疑的，但是西方在某些领域也有其优异的价值观。

并非想论述东西两方的价值观，而事实是西方人比东方人更当然接受精神病患者。到目前为止，身为一位精神病患者，在华人社会里仍然是可耻的。西医有精神科，但在中医里没有所谓的精神科。人人都有情绪，可是身为男子的我却不能向任何人透露自己的情绪。情绪化的男子，较敏感的男子，是不被华人社会接受，因为这些只是女子的专利。

我没有能力改变他人的价值观，即使对方说不过我，他人却坚决认为他的想法是对的。主要的目的并不是去说服任何人，而是让他人知道并非人人都跟他拥有相同的想法。精神病患者为这世界增添了色彩。是的，我们确实为这黑白灰的世界增加了色彩。同性恋群众高举了六色彩虹，他们并不知道精神病患者给予世界的，何止区区六种色彩？

说到这里，重点是，我们是有价值的！重复一次，我们是有价值的！天生有材必有用，这一句话更加显现在精神病患者的身上。必须承认我无法解决许多问题，但我不想回避任何问题，而是坚决去面对。今天无法解决的问题，还有明天、后天、大后天等等。无论如何，我们必需选择——拒绝放弃！ 

2021-06-22

I cannot deny that it's pretty naïve for us to think everything is okay as long as we are faithfully in taking the medication. Of course, it's the most important part but surely not the full picture. After taking medication, I still experience mood fluctuation problem from time to time. I really don't know how to explain it to the others who never experience such a problem. 

Please do take note that the problem is not as severe as not taking the medication. Generally, it's still quite hard to bear. Should I share it openly to the people who are close to me? Should I keep low profile and never mention a word? So far, I try to hide it and continue my daily routine as usual. Why do I prefer to hide it? In fact, no one could really help. By telling someone that I'm feeling uncomfortable never ease the pains. Most probably, the person who knows it will feel worry and sad, and I have to spend more time to convince the person that I'm okay. 

Never lose hope, perhaps. I have no idea what would be happened in the future. Always hope for a good future, and also hope there will be cures for all the mental illnesses. The main message I want to bring out today is, never ever quit. For instance, there are a number of death cases for vaccination but we have to receive vaccination whatsoever. The fact is, it's better to be vaccinated. Similarly, surely it's better to keep on going rather than to quit. 

The actual picture for me at the moment is, I'm surrounded in gloomy darkness and hope for the dawn. No idea when would it arrive and just keep on waiting.       

 2021-05-28

有个朋友，他常常抱怨这个又埋怨那个，认为上天对他不公平，还不断贬低自己连阿狗阿猫也不如。让我略略介绍一下，这位朋友毕业于英国苏格兰的某间大学，还是某间公司的老板之一，不久前也结婚了。必须注意的是，他并没有什么严重的精神疾病，更加不是个双相情感障碍患者。

毋庸置疑，这个人就是典型的充满负能量的家伙。无论你当天怎么容光焕发，跟他小谈几分钟后，你即会感觉天空布满了乌云。如果你的心情已无比沉重，接触他过后，你会觉得人生突然变得一片漆黑。没有人是百分之百只有缺点，他的优点是相当重感情。在我们生活里，一定会遇见类似这样的人。问题是，我们有能力扶持这样的人吗？残酷的事实是，我们并没有能力。假若我们认为自己有能力帮助这样的人，极大可能会陷入更可怕的深渊里。

当然不是跟这些朋友都断绝友谊，只是必需清楚自己个人的精神状态。一旦发现自己的精神状况不理想，必需告知对方你感到非常不舒服，想要长时间安静歇一歇。相信这样的朋友，他们也不会狠心地让我们精神崩溃。虽然专家们劝诫我们要有一套完整的生活规律，但如果真的感到很辛苦，就让自己暂时停下来吧。

请不会尝试去改变某人，你只有能力改变你自己。这句话是真实的。指责他人的不是，把一切责任怪罪在他人身上是很容易的，但我们必须承担属于自己的责任。尽力去做好我们自己能做好的一切。请大家一起加油！

 2021-05-27

During this moment, we are easily be trapped in tons of negative news and emotions. People start grumble about this and that. It's really terribly hard to maintain a good spirit. The main thing is, we need to try our best to avoid ourselves blend into the same terrible sea of grudges.

Isolation from time to time is important. I personally need quite a huge amount of me-time. In the me-time, try to dig deeper into the heart, and make sure all the 'essential parts' are okay. Bipolar disorder people are pretty sensitive indeed. We have to make sure that we do not take other negative moods as if all those moods belong to us. Which one is ours and which one is others? We need to make sure about it clearly. 

Besides, I also take a firm stand in the time I need to rest and get to bed. I have informed my colleagues and superiors that my mental health condition needs a specific time to rest and could not be disturbed. This is really quite tough in handling my job. Should I be so cruel to see my colleagues suffering while I just doing nothing? Anyway, if I cannot have enough rest, I'll bring more sufferings to those who care and love me. 

Please keep in mind that we may not know our destination, but no matter what, we have to go on. Yes, please do go on whatsoever. It's difficult for everyone during such a moment. We have to go on and have a hope in our heart.