“11th March 2016”

Being rejected is a painful experience. It’s equivalent to being ignored by someone you care. Of course I should bear part of the responsibility when these things happen. As a rule of thumb, I think, when these things happen, another party also has to bear another part of responsibility.

Normally when all these things happened, I would put all the blames solely on myself as if I was the culprit for all these failures. Later I realised, it should never be like this. Why should I put all the blames on myself only? When something wrong happened, both parties needed to bear the responsible together. It should never be either other people or I alone was wrong. However, this kind of thinking seems logical but it does not help much either.

On 07/03/2016, I was being rejected by a university to study a PhD course. I spent such a long time to prepare everything, waiting excitingly for the course to be started in April. Some more the dean of the PhD faculty and my supervisor confirmed to me that they had accepted me for the course.  It all seemed promising. As a sudden, I was being told that the university provides IT courses only but not engineering course. I stated to them that I wanted to do an engineering course when I first met the dean and my supervisor. They asked me to go to another campus of the university, look for another lecturer to be my supervisor. How come they themselves could not transfer me to another campus and refer me another suitable supervisor? I felt so disappointed and wrote an email to the dean, voiced up my mind to her and complained to her that she was wasting time and she was not capable to be a dean. If I could talk to her in a diplomatic way, most probably she would give me a hand to survive a seat in another campus of the university. Why did I react in such a way during that time? In fact, I don’t trust the dean anymore. This is an incident of being rejected.

Give you an incident of being ignored. There was a gal who did accept my mental health condition for a short moment of time but the day next she quickly changed her mind. She suggested to me that we started our relationship as friends. For me, I would think that this is a common tactic for gals to reject guys. Anyhow I tried my best to be her friend, tried to understand her and helped her in understanding me. It was a difficult process. She used to get to bed so late but I used to get to bed early. I had to stay awake till late at night for having a conversation with her. It was definitely fine with me if my mood was stable or high. When I was in depression state, this action was killing me. It was so painful emotionally until I had to temporary isolate myself from the world outside. My friend advised me to ignore her and never talk to her anymore. Whatsoever, I texted her twice but no more reply from her. I told my friend, it’s better for other people to ignore me away rather than I ignore someone.

I’m not perfect and I do make mistakes. When the mood roars in me I will be out of my mind. Last time people emphasised so much on IQ but later they focus more on EQ. The cruel fact is my EQ is terrible when I’m in either up or down state. I do not mean to scold anyone or ignore people. It’s really out of my control and I cannot help it. I feel guilty for all these incidents. People have their own right to choose either be with me or stay away from me. Life moves on held head up and walk.