2019-07-16


It's not easy to be a human being, and it's definitely harder to be a people with bipolar disorder. We look perfectly normal outside but we are struggling terribly with our moods inside.


People might think, as long as we are on medication obediently, then we would be fine and have a normal life as others. Yes, this sounds really good and I cannot say no. The fact is, sometimes, I'm still struggling with roaring moods inside. At the moment, I'm fighting with a long lasting depressed mood. Emotionally exhausted all the time, and I really hope that there is an off button on me so that I can press the button and turn myself off entirely.


It's ridiculously painful inside and I have no ways to ease the pain. The painful feeling remains for a long time days and nights. No way to run, no way to escape. Perseverance, yes, practising perseverance during this terrible moment. Negative thoughts will always be with me, doing their best to destroy my believes. Believe I can have a fruitful life, believe I can have a cheerful life, believe I can do great things...... All these believes would be vanished into the thin air.


How to go through? How to survive? Sadly, I have no idea, I have no solution. I only know one thing, I must go on. Yes, this is the only thing I know. No matter what, no matter how, I must go on!

2019-07-15


心情很糟，也很失落，不想向任何人宣泄，唯有把思绪写在这里。


其实我真的想要活得积极和正面，渴望把好的信息和能量散发出去，可是却被困在情绪混乱的死局里。定时服药、早睡早起、多多运动、控制饮食、尽力工作、参与人群……怎么好像都不够？


会觉得不舒服，感到不自觉地疲惫，当然还有那恼人与难以形容精神上的疼痛。如果我不说，没有人会察觉，因为外在保持得如此正常。没有意思要假装，只是希望每天的规律作息可以继续下去。


哭？没有哭泣的对象。诉苦？没有人会理解。看医生？我不想增加药量。唯一的出路，是一步一步慢慢走。心里默默地相信，这一切将会过去，纵然目前看来几乎不太可能。


在脸书上看到他人成双成对到结婚生子，心里肯定非常羡慕，给予祝福后不敢对此有一丝的奢望。是的，我比不上这些人士，近乎没有可能获得幸福。没关系的，至少我努力地活着。