2022-07-27

最近因为参加公司的会议，有机会跟同事们一起飞往曼谷。四天三夜的公司旅行算是过得愉快。一天的自由活动，原本想跟某些同事们一起度过，却无奈察觉当中有几个同事并不欢迎我。那几个同事在里头是担任领袖的角色，所以决定那一天还是自己独自度过。

是自己过于敏感吗？早餐的时候，大家都会坐在一起。当我询问某个位置是否有人坐时，若他们坦然接受我的加入，应该会不假思索简单回答：“坐下吧！” 可是他们在那里思考着这位置会是某某人坐的，那个位置又是另一个某某人坐的。为了不让他们苦恼，我选了另一张较远的桌子，远离了大家。只是这一次吧。我也这样安慰自己。过后在游艇上的晚餐，我和一位同事在一起。那同事一看到他们，即刻前往那里坐了下来，那最后一个位置，仿佛是特地留给他的。在服务员的协助下，寄人篱下似的坐在一群女同事当中。

有个晚上，乘坐泰国独有的Tuk-Tuk，从餐馆回到了酒店。过程中下了豪雨，我跟一位刚认识的女同事一人湿了一半。她很好聊，我们几乎一路不断地聊。她后来还打听我是否单身，是否有女朋友。后来回到了马来西亚，我拿到了她的电话号码。每次我写讯息给她，她总是有回应。或许是因为女子的矜持，她不会贸贸然写东西给我。由于不喜欢拖拖拉拉，当晚告诉了她我的问题。告诉她我患了基因方面的疾病，需要长期服药来控制情绪。这一次后，她没有回应，顿然杳无音讯。

会失望吗？会的。失败了很多很多次。一方面准备可能要单身一辈子，一方面仍然在心里留下个位子给她。

2022-07-27

For these 2 years of pandemic, some people age quickly but some people stay the same. In majority, people do age faster within these 2 years. And also, due to lockout, lots of people have increased their weights. 

What is time? Does time really exist? This can go deeply. For an easy example, two people with the same age, one must be younger than another one. How come time flows slower on him but faster on her? No one can give us a satisfied answer. It does seems time moves differently on all people.

In this world, we may observe the physical parts. Everything which can be seen, heard, smelt, tasted and sensed. However, we should never forget there is another part inside us. The part we may simply ignore but actually it's more important than the physical world. Please do not get me wrong, I never mean the spiritual world. 

What do I mean is the world inside of us, the world formed in us and affects how we see the world. Either a glass is half full or half empty is defined by the world inside us. Yes, I'm talking about perspective. Of course, we should never give up in shaping a better world. When we feel tired, and want to rest for a while, then we must have a much better internal world. 

In a fast moving external world, we may keep on chasing, always reach higher and higher. There must be time that we want to slow down or totally stop for a while. During such a moment, we may rest without feeling guilty. 

Does this relevant to bipolar disorder? Yes, it is. As for me, I did feel guilty whenever I must take a rest. Bipolar disorder people are hardworking people who never want to stop.