2022-11-04

No post for September and October, but there is a post for November eventually. No doubt, a routine lifestyle is terribly boring, and I admit it wholeheartedly, especially working a routine job. However, we need to have a job. A job for us to support ourselves. 

As most of the bipolar disorder people, we cannot handle high stress jobs. Thus, I'm working as a humble low level engineer, taking care for some systems in a company. It's really a suitable job for me because I do not have to deal frequently with people but machines only. Of course, I cannot avoid myself to deal with difficult customers from time to time.  

For my own experience, we should keep our bipolar identity as long as possible. If possible, it's much better that I never tell anyone about it. The main reason should be, once people know about our mental problems, they will look at us differently. The key word should be 'bias'. People should see us as how we truly are without labelling us as "bipolar people" right at the beginning.

Working as an engineer is also quite stressful when all the systems go crazy. The customers could be quite demanding in asking me to solve all the problems as soon as possible. When the stress level explores, I will get into unnecessary quarrels with the customers. Of course,  I always try to avoid quarrels the best I could. 

There was once I broke into a quarrel with a customer, and then I had to tell the customer frankly about my mental problems. Since then, I have no quarrel with the customer anymore. Fortunately, he understands my problems, and stops pushing me so hard since that day.

 

2022-08-30

没有另一半，人生是否不完整？没有女朋友或妻子，我是否变成了不正常的男人？其实自己用了很长的时间，去接受自己有精神疾病，学习包容这伴随一辈子的残疾。

确实没有把心门关上，也不会拒绝有可能发生的新恋情。但事实是，一旦过了四十岁，要找到另一半会变得十分艰难。对于拥有精神疾病的人士们，肯定会难上加难，当然这世上依然存有幸运的个案。无法否认的是，一旦过了某个年龄还未婚，大家都会给予异样的眼光。

怎么去面对这些异样的眼光，还有痛彻心扉的闲言闲语呢？他们的眼光都不重要，他们的言词也不必理会。这世上真正关心你的人不多，我们只要把焦点放在他们身上就够了。至于这些看不起我们的人，只是宇宙的尘埃，一刹那即消逝。必需强调的是，这世上有真正关心你的人，所以我们不可以轻易放弃。

目前学习着好好一个人生活，在不同的人生阶段设下不一样的目标，更少不了一个远大的理想，好让自己生活得有意义。在每一天醒来时，眼睛睁开的时候，充满朝气迎接新的一天！

2022-08-30

After 40 years old, getting a girlfriend or even a wife becomes merely impossible. Although there are quite a number of guys marry after 40 years old, but it's really rare for guys with mental health issues. My parents still yearn that I would quickly get married and have children. As I become older and older, this is just a mission impossible. 

There are people who choose to be single forever, and they value freedom more than everything. Some people believe they would meet their Mr. Right or Miss Right. Thus, without such a person, they would rather to be single. How they know they have met such a person? How they confirm that someone is the one? If they are with someone already, then the real someone appears, would they separate with the initial one and be with the real someone?  Of course, this is their choice, and I shouldn't comment much. 

For myself, I never look for my Miss Right, just someone whom I love and she loves me back, and we could accept one another weaknesses. Of course, I wish I would have children too. If my partner is unable to give birth to children, or I myself have problems in having children, then I would go adopt some children as our own children. However, if I cannot find a wife, then I would not adopt a kid. 

There would be one day, that I must live by myself alone. It's definitely okay to be alone. I'm learning how to have an abundant life without a girlfriend or wife.   

2022-07-27

最近因为参加公司的会议，有机会跟同事们一起飞往曼谷。四天三夜的公司旅行算是过得愉快。一天的自由活动，原本想跟某些同事们一起度过，却无奈察觉当中有几个同事并不欢迎我。那几个同事在里头是担任领袖的角色，所以决定那一天还是自己独自度过。

是自己过于敏感吗？早餐的时候，大家都会坐在一起。当我询问某个位置是否有人坐时，若他们坦然接受我的加入，应该会不假思索简单回答：“坐下吧！” 可是他们在那里思考着这位置会是某某人坐的，那个位置又是另一个某某人坐的。为了不让他们苦恼，我选了另一张较远的桌子，远离了大家。只是这一次吧。我也这样安慰自己。过后在游艇上的晚餐，我和一位同事在一起。那同事一看到他们，即刻前往那里坐了下来，那最后一个位置，仿佛是特地留给他的。在服务员的协助下，寄人篱下似的坐在一群女同事当中。

有个晚上，乘坐泰国独有的Tuk-Tuk，从餐馆回到了酒店。过程中下了豪雨，我跟一位刚认识的女同事一人湿了一半。她很好聊，我们几乎一路不断地聊。她后来还打听我是否单身，是否有女朋友。后来回到了马来西亚，我拿到了她的电话号码。每次我写讯息给她，她总是有回应。或许是因为女子的矜持，她不会贸贸然写东西给我。由于不喜欢拖拖拉拉，当晚告诉了她我的问题。告诉她我患了基因方面的疾病，需要长期服药来控制情绪。这一次后，她没有回应，顿然杳无音讯。

会失望吗？会的。失败了很多很多次。一方面准备可能要单身一辈子，一方面仍然在心里留下个位子给她。

2022-07-27

For these 2 years of pandemic, some people age quickly but some people stay the same. In majority, people do age faster within these 2 years. And also, due to lockout, lots of people have increased their weights. 

What is time? Does time really exist? This can go deeply. For an easy example, two people with the same age, one must be younger than another one. How come time flows slower on him but faster on her? No one can give us a satisfied answer. It does seems time moves differently on all people.

In this world, we may observe the physical parts. Everything which can be seen, heard, smelt, tasted and sensed. However, we should never forget there is another part inside us. The part we may simply ignore but actually it's more important than the physical world. Please do not get me wrong, I never mean the spiritual world. 

What do I mean is the world inside of us, the world formed in us and affects how we see the world. Either a glass is half full or half empty is defined by the world inside us. Yes, I'm talking about perspective. Of course, we should never give up in shaping a better world. When we feel tired, and want to rest for a while, then we must have a much better internal world. 

In a fast moving external world, we may keep on chasing, always reach higher and higher. There must be time that we want to slow down or totally stop for a while. During such a moment, we may rest without feeling guilty. 

Does this relevant to bipolar disorder? Yes, it is. As for me, I did feel guilty whenever I must take a rest. Bipolar disorder people are hardworking people who never want to stop. 

2022-06-30

生活难免会遇见许多困难，一大堆解决不完的问题，仿佛怎么尽力都做不好的事。很沮丧，很无奈，也很无助。

想要有人帮助，但似乎没有人可以帮忙。在人生的道路上，总需要由自己去面对。无论怎么不愿意，还是要自己独自去面对。可是，真的没有法子，该怎么办？

我常常都陷入困境里，很多很多绞尽脑汁都无法胜任的事物。不断告诉自己，尽力就好，尽了力就好。若最终失败了，告诉自己，“你已经尽力了。”

重要的是，生活没有遗憾。既然尽了全力，纵然满盘皆输，却没有白活。

2022-06-28

It's time to write a blog for this. It's really tiring to work and study at the same time. Of course, I prefer study than work, but I need to work for surviving. Thus, working full-time and studying part-time is my only choice. 

Hardworking can always make things better. However, it can never bring me towards perfect. I may exercise regularly, eat healthily, study the best I could, but all these will never make me a perfect guy. Used to be a perfectionist till I'd diagnosed of having such a mental illness. Tried to deny such a fact, and assumed I was totally fine without medication. After that, I experienced more damages. 

Hence, it's a definite no for being a perfectionist. But hey, life is much better without striving for perfection! How come? Perfection is a high standard, and no one knows how high it can go. We could never reach it because no matter how good we have done, we would think that we could do it slightly better. That's too pathetic. 

Without perfection, I just stop doing something when feeling that I want to take a break. While reading, simply lie down and rest when the head is going numb. Keep reminding myself that I can never understand every single thing. In fact, try to understand as much as possible. Whatever the results, accept it without self cricticising.  

Yes, we have done our best, and it's really more than enough. Even if we never really try our best, as long as we have tried, all the little efforts are still precious. 

2022-05-27

在忙碌中觉得心力交瘁，似乎怎么努力都无法完成。会寻求帮助，但并非人人都愿意提供协助。通常在这样的情况，都会选择把东西都放下，让脑袋与心灵都可以喘口气。

东西没有完成，并非什么严重的事。只要尽了力，依然没有办法解决的话，怎么办？没有关系，我们还有明天。如果自己怎么努力都徒然，甚至寻求不到帮助，又怎么办？那么会尝试找其他人的援助，只要还未到期限，千万不可放弃。倘若期限到了，仍然无法解决？这个时候，就要学习怎么放手。

坚持不容易，可是放手比坚持更加困难！暂时歇息并非放弃，但到了第二天必须重新继续尝试。在尝试所有的方案之前，尤其是在期限之前，我们不可以贸贸然就放弃。无论看起来、听起来、感觉起来自己都必定失败，在结果出来之前，我们都必须坚持下去。

放弃很简单，很多人还没有尽全力的时候，往往会出现放弃的念头。硬着头皮去尝试，还会有成功的机会。放弃的话，肯定马上失败。还有寻求帮助的时候，不得不厚着脸皮。祈求到对方肯帮助你为止，那脸皮确实要很厚很厚。

最后就是放手。放手不是放弃，虽然这两个词汇似乎同义。有些东西是必需放手的，无论如何都无法成功，而最明显的例子既是爱情。假如有个女生告诉你，她对你没有感觉，她只想你做她的朋友。这是死刑，她判了你死刑。这时候，我们都需要学会放手。

2022-05-26

Do I care that no one reading my blog? Do I care maybe I have to stay single for the rest of my life? Do I care whether I could be part of the society? Yes, I did care much for all these. How about now? Still a bit care about these but not so much anymore. 

What's the root cause for this change? Getting more matured? Perhaps. By being much elder each day, there would be more responsibilities on our shoulders. If we have to care so much, then it would impossible for us to move on.  How we see ourselves is always more important than how others see us. Of course, we should listen to people, but obviously not everyone, especially never listen to those who never care about you. 

Please do value all the advice from those who love and care about you. Try our best to be a better people according to their standard. At the same time, please do remember to voice up your opinions and thoughts. No one could read our minds. Thus, never expect people to understand us without saying a word. It sounds tough but actually it can be pretty simple. 

We do not need to mention about our mental illness condition again and again. We do not have to explain all the ups and downs inside us numerous times. And also, please never expect people to understand what is bipolar disorder. For our conversation, simply say something like, "I feel tired today for all these assignments." or "This song is gorgeous, do you like it too?" 

Surely, if someone who wants to know about your mental health condition, just share with him or her freely. However, please do stop and monitor people's face expression from time to time. When there are more and more question marks on people's face, then it's time for you to stop and smile.  

2021-04-27

已有好一段日子迷上了MBTI，它把人类区分为十六组类型。开始时很懊恼，因为只要不断地重复回答问题，都会获得不同的类型。曾经一度怀疑，这心理测试并不准确。尤其是当自己处于忧郁期、混合期或平凡期，肯定得到了全然不一样的结果。

我想说什么呢？是的，我们都会轻易获得不同的结果。但是当你细心去回答问题后，选择你心里最直接的反应，而不是脑袋里认为应该的举动，那结果即会不再改变。还有一个至关重要的问题：到底是我们的个性造成我们遭遇这精神疾病，还是这精神疾病造就了我们这样的个性？乍看之下，好像“先有鸡蛋，还是先有鸡”的老旧问题。

请别误会，我不想也不要去牵涉这样没完没了的争论。我们拥有怎么样的想法，会直接让我们感到舒服抑或痛苦。假如我们认为，是这精神疾病让我们成为如今这样的自己，那么立即表示我们已放弃好好生活，陷入无止境的煎熬里。倘若我们认为，是我们如此的个性造成我们遭遇这精神病，意味着我们仍有改变的能力与权力，那么腹中那股烈火依然可以熊熊燃烧着。

个性可以改变吗？回到这MBTI测验，每一种类型都有A或T，代表着有Assertive自信稳固，或Turbulent动荡不安。每一种个性都是不同的色彩，无所谓好或坏。但明显的，让自己成为某种色彩自信稳固的一位，而不是动荡不安的一份子。这是人人都能做到的，也可以让精神患者锻炼出坚毅不拔的自信，好好生活着。

但愿天下所有的精神病患者都能好好生活，在这世界舞台上成为其中一位耀眼的人士。不再对自己猜疑是否有价值，也不再认为自己可有可无。世界少了你，马上少了无可取代独有的色彩。

2022-04-26

My mixed state period just ended recently. It was a more suffering condition than depression period. What is the type of mixed state for me? I was feeling tired but feeling irritated constantly at the same moment. Thus, it was undoubtedly tough to remain calm and would get quarrels easily with anyone.

Unfortunately, I had lost my patience and argued fiercely with a client. Of course, while having a logical mind, I should never argue with anyone, definitely not my clients. I was trying my very best not to drink and not to smoke during such a state. Of course, I would feel much better while doing all these. However, how about after all these? Should I smoke more, and should I drink more? At the end, I never smoke nor drink to ease the pains. 

There is a much better way to ease the pains which is doing various types of sports. Maybe people might say, it's too expensive to buy a good road bike, or I'm not good in sports at all. You may just buy a pair of running shoes with the reasonable price, and then start running. I do notice that our medication would easily cause us to gain much weights directly or indirectly. If you have knee problems, most probably you may start walking around. Walking is also a great exercise.

Besides, I was trying to avoid stresses. After working, I would switch off my mind and stop thinking about works. When it is the time to get to bed, I would put my mobile phone in silent mode. So that, I would never be woken up by all sorts of email alerts, WhatsApp messages, Facebook notifications and etc. Instead, a good sleep is much more important than doing all sorts of exercises. 

No matter how hopeless you feel, all these uncomfortable feelings will surely fade away. Yes, we may overcome all the obstacles again and again.    

2022-03-17

由于工作不怎么繁重，还可以兼读硕士课程。第一学期的成绩算是考得挺不错， 所以在这即将开始的第二学期，会比第一学期多读一门课。盼望自己依然可以考得好成绩。

有个猎人头，向我推荐一份更好的工作：薪金比目前的工作高许多，还有职位也比目前的高几个等级。可是我拒绝了。为什么呢？当精神状态好的时候，肯定可以表现得比一般人优越。不幸的是，精神状况不好的时候，几乎没有办法好好工作。

必需坦白，自己在这时候就处于无法安好工作的状况。这部落格一开起来，脑袋空空的，完全不知道该写什么好。无法等到状况好的时候才写，因为这状况会保持相当冗长的时间。咆哮着为何人类不是北极熊，不像北极熊那样可以冬眠一段日子。如果这状况一来到即可进入冬眠，那么日子就不会过得太难受。

是的，我感到难受。可怕的是，这难受会继续不断笼罩着我，无论去到什么地方，这阴影仍然牢牢困锁。光线总是那么刺眼，急躁的声音语气如刀刺割着我的心，难受的情绪怎么变得如此巨大和沉重。想要躲避，想要隐藏，却不知道能藏在什么地方。

或许人人都会问我，难道精神药物失效了吗？当然不是。幸好服用着药物，不然思绪会极度容易陷入无法控制的亢奋中，完全失丧了理智。是的，我感到不舒服，但幸好理智犹在。周而复始的状况，一定可以挨过去。

2022-03-16

It's good to have your own dairy in writing down your daily mood. This was an advice from one of my psychiatrists. Of course, it was hard to carry on patiently. The main motive is, we may know our trend of moods. 

As for myself, I could notice that twice a year, I have had to endure quite a long-lasting of uncomfortable period. If I did follow the advice, I should have realised all the important dates much earlier. Anyway, what's the point to know all these uncomfortable moments? By knowing so, you may plan your events more carefully. And also, during this moment, you may simply slow down without feeling guilty or uneasy. 

In this fast-paced society, we are used to the lifestyle of keep on rushing. Sometimes, we're in a rush until we do not know why we want to do so. Quite often, we might just want to be part of the society by following the rest. We do not want to be left out, do not want to be left behind. Hence, by having such an uncomfortable moment, it reminds us to be true to ourselves. 

In such a mixed state, I'm sensitive to lights, sounds and feelings. If possible, I want to hide myself in a cave. However, life goes on and I have to do something to survive. Fortunately, my job is not too pressure, and it's not that hectic. I might go get a much better job: higher salary and higher position. The consequence is, I might push myself to the edge by doing so. 

Slow down. I'm glad to slow down. A moment to see the world in a much slower tempo. 

2021-02-15

过了西方的情人节，今天是元宵，既是东方的情人节。单生的男士们都被称为“单身狗”，那么我也是只单身狗。如果心情在这时候总会沮丧的话，请暂时不要浏览脸书，也暂时回避一下IG，因为有情人的人士，在这时候都会放闪，让单身狗们更加难过伤心。

幸好爱情并非人生的全部，不然要我怎么度过一年又一年的东西方情人节？昨天在优管看了新加坡介绍有关当地精神病患者的状况。在里头，谈到了标签，外人对精神病患者错误的想法，还有精神病患者的孤单寂寞等等。这节目应该是要化解他人对精神病患者的歧视与误解，但我个人看了后，心情变得更加低落。

由于大家都不热衷于探讨精神病患者的世界，而我又处于这两个世界的中间：一边是大部份人士所熟悉的世界；另一个是精神病患者那挣扎悲惨的世界。仿佛大家一想到精神病患者，就是如此的悲惨与不堪。到底精神病患者，有多少处于那大家所认为的癫疯世界，又有多少是活在一般人的世界里呢？

撇开这不重要的问题，我想说的是，精神病患者也可以积极快乐生活，甚至比一般人更有毅力与能耐去实现自己的梦想。当精神病患者从癫疯世界的泞泥里走出来后，坦然生活在一般人的世界里，领悟了这一切并非理所当然，也清楚了解时间太宝贵，因为在那挣扎的过程里已花费太多时间，所以会比一般人更努力，比一般人更坚决自己的理想与方向，甚至面对问题会比一般人更加无畏！不是吗？

或许能这么想的精神病患者占少数。但我深信，会这么想的精神病患者，肯定不会只是我一个。

2022-02-14

Today is Valentine's Day, it's the most terrible day of the whole day. Moreover, this year is the most heartbreaking Valentine's Day for me. I met a lady about 2 years via online dating, and we remain as friends for all these days. I was trying to understand her more throughout this friendship. 

One day, I told her that I wanted to give her a Valentine's Day gift. She said okay, and even suggested to have a Valentine's Day dinner as well. I thought she gave me a green light, telling me that I got the chance to start a love relationship with her. I prayed that I could be the best guy for her, treat her well, and learn how to love her deeply. However, this dream lasted for a few days only. On 1st of February 2022, she told me frankly that she doesn't ready for a love relationship yet, and she never plans to get married yet. In fact, she was telling me between her lines that I'm not the Mr. Right for her anyway. 

Of course, this was a heartbreaking news. Fortunately, I've never told my family members anything about her. I successfully remained calm and still till today. The main thing should be, it is obvious that I like her but not to the level of 'love' yet. When a love relationship is not confirmed, I shouldn't fall in love with anyone, so that my sanity can be sustained. For the 2 broken love relationships, I truly fell in love and when the relationships failed, I couldn't help myself into having some breakdowns. 

The main lesson I would like is, never simply fall in love with anyone. When I fall in love, I would think it's forever and pretty hard to quit. The pains remain, but it's bearable. The most important thing is, we should never lose our sanity. Once fall into a breakdown, it takes years to be fully recovered. Some more, it brings more pains to the ones who genuinely love us. 

So, please do not crush into a breakdown for someone who doesn't love you. Take care, my friends! 

2022-01-26

到底要说还是不说？当状况稳定了一段时期，就自然而然要思考一个问题，到底要不要告诉某人自己的精神状况。对于本人的精神科医生，他主张不告诉任何人，因为一旦他人知道后，即会因着他人的偏见而陷入不公平的窘境。

我的精神科医生这么说是有道理的。至于自己本身，公司的高层知道了我的精神状况，从此失去一切升职的机会。身为初级工程师那么多年，到目前为止依然是一个初级工程师。身旁的同事们都有机会升职，但不管我等待多久或多么努力都没有机会。感情方面，遇到一位有机会成为另一半的女子，却在我告诉她自己的精神状况后，毅然决定我们只是朋友。不公平吗？非常不公平！有偏见吗？太明显啦！

可是，难道可以永远不说？每年都要复诊，每天都要服药，甚至钱包里总携带着障友卡。很多精神病患者，最讨厌就是长期服药。每次服药，都似乎不断提醒着自己有病，却怎么样都不可停止服药。去复诊的时候，看到很多比自己严重的精神病患者，不得不想自己跟这些严重的患者是同类，大家都有某种的精神病。那张障友卡呢？虽然拥有这张障友卡，可以有不少福利，但是要向他人展示障友卡时，心里总是不好受。

是的，我正常了，过着正常人的生活。可是我能停止服药吗？可以不再复诊吗？可以不再携带障友卡吗？这张障友卡，弥补了这精神病的困扰。事实是，若没有这精神病，就可以拥有更高的社会阶级，也应该老早结婚生子。不说，难道就没有这样的问题吗？不说，难道在公平的环境下，可以承受沉重的压力而不会崩溃？

个人的结论是，当然不要向任何人说自己的精神状况，但是必需向身旁那些爱与关心你的人述说。如果说了后，他们选择离开，就让他们离开。留下来的，才是真正值得珍惜的人。

2022-01-25

Could I self define the meaning of bipolar disorder? I really thought I could do so because I had all the experiences of being a guy with such an issue. I also doubted that the experts for example the psychiatrists, they have all the required knowledge but most of them do not have any experience. 

And then, my mentor reminds me that I'm not qualified to go against the experts by defining my own terms for bipolar disorder. It's because my own judgment has become faulty. First of all, why do I want to define the meaning of bipolar disorder? This is the common mistake for all the people with bipolar instead. While everything becomes good and stable for a long time, we often think that we might be misdiagnosed with such an illness. 

Why I have such a thought? Recently, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Everything was going well with me, so I maintain the same dosage of my medication. I love asking questions. So, I asked my psychiatrist whether should I inform people about my mental health condition. I used to think that, if it's necessary, then I must inform someone about my mental condition. However, the psychiatrist advises me not to inform anyone if possible. He says, if someone knows about my condition, people might have bias looking at me. He means, in such a way, I would put myself in an unfair situation. 

This is really true! I do not have anymore advancement in my current job due to my managers know my mental health condition. No matter how good I perform, all the other colleagues would be promoted besides me. A lady almost wanted to be my girlfriend but the whole relationship ruined when I told her frankly about my condition. It is clear that the world cannot accept me having such a mental illness. 

Actually how I wanted to define bipolar disorder? An illness which needs long term medication to balance the hormones in the brain so that the mood could fluctuate in an acceptable range.  

2021-12-31

来到2021年的最后一天，会对新的一年有什么盼望呢？由于读着硕士学位，生活突然觉得过得很丰富。自己不是特别聪明，所以读书也不会是件轻松的事。一直以来，成绩会比一般人好，也只是因为我比一般人勤劳。

当然希望这疫情快快离去，好让大家都可以恢复以往的生活方式。或许也是因为这疫情关系，才促使我再读多一次硕士学位。真的不是因为自己厉害，而是原本想进修博士学位，但已拥有的硕士学位的成绩并不理想，所以才被逼从硕士开始。相信很多人都不会这么做，也是去寻找另一间大学吧。是的，也是由于经济能力不足，才须要在本地大学读书。曾经有一间著名的英国大学，接受我直接进修博士，可惜学费太惊人，远远超出了我的经济能力！在万般不舍之下，我只好断然拒绝了。

精神病患者可以变得富裕吗？事实是，有很多精神病患者都无法好好照顾自己。当我处于崩溃状态时，脆弱得像个小孩，无助得不知如何是好。我相信精神病患者可以变得富裕，但是在那之前必需懂得顾好自己的精神状况。我们与一般人有什么不一样呢？除了那些已懂得的劣势，我们又拥有什么优势呢？

曾经读过一本书，作者说，世界因为精神病患者而变得精彩。这世界确实这样，如果没有精神病患者，世界会变得很枯燥乏味。精神病患者总是会不按牌理出招，让他人防不胜防。除此之外，在精神病患者的世界里，并没有所谓的逻辑和一般人固有的思路。

2021-12-31

The last day of the year of 2021, I thought our lives could be back to the old norm with vaccinations. Sadly, due to all sorts of new variants, the pandemic proceeds and we have to go for a boaster jab. As expected, my depression ended before Christmas. So, I could have a great day on Christmas. 

However, the transition from depression back to normal state was not smooth. It seemed, I was feeling quite exhausted due to the long period of depression. I was the team leader of a group for a subject, and I was feeling terribly tired to carry on the role as a leader. Fortunately, I managed to settle all the required assignments and submitted all the assignments before the due dates. 

There was a course mate, asked me questions about another subject. I was too tired and advised her to refer to someone else. I even told her that I'm having mental health issues and I needed more rest during that moment. You all know the reaction when someone just knows your mental condition. After several messages, our conversation ceased till today. 

The fact is, studying part time is not easy. Another fact is, it's even tougher with such a mental health condition. There are mainly 2 reasons for me to stop proceeding: firstly, breakdown; secondly, bad results. Besides all these, actually studying is really fun. I just want to do something meaningful and studying is one of it. 

During this pandemic, it's really a great time to study. By studying, it could help me to focus on something meaningful instead of the emotional pains. It's also a reason for me to stay calm so that I could have the opportunity to keep on studying.  

2021-11-24

Ops, what a mistake. Actually I should write an English message first but I accidentally wrote a Chinese message before this one. Obviously this really shows my detriment in concentration due to depression state. It's out of my control, and if someone asks me face to face, "Are you okay?", I would definitely give him a bear hug. 

There are some group activities and assignments in University of Malaya (UM). I never intend to be a leader but I became a leader eventually. Sometimes I would like to sit back and let others to take the lead. Most probably, I want to inform my group members that I'm not feeling well at the moment and please take the leader role off me. Anyway, I never do so. 

For the first semester, all the courses are online learning. It would be much better if I could go on campus and study courses there. It would be much better to meet all my course mates and discuss whatsoever face to face. Unfortunately, I have to wait until semester 2 for hybrid courses, it means I could choose either study on campus or online. For sure I would go to the campus, and prefer not to study online anymore. 

Due to depression state, I handle all the major tasks all these days. Of course I hope that I could perform as usual but I have to accept the reality that I could not do so at the moment. If I feel tired, I would surely slow down and take some rest from time to time. Not feeling guilty to be less productive. The best thing is, I could still go on with all the essential daily routines. 

Dear readers especially those who suffer mental health issues, please do not blame yourself or others for your mental problems. There are many things we do not know but what we do know is already enough to keep us moving.