2022-01-26

到底要说还是不说？当状况稳定了一段时期，就自然而然要思考一个问题，到底要不要告诉某人自己的精神状况。对于本人的精神科医生，他主张不告诉任何人，因为一旦他人知道后，即会因着他人的偏见而陷入不公平的窘境。

我的精神科医生这么说是有道理的。至于自己本身，公司的高层知道了我的精神状况，从此失去一切升职的机会。身为初级工程师那么多年，到目前为止依然是一个初级工程师。身旁的同事们都有机会升职，但不管我等待多久或多么努力都没有机会。感情方面，遇到一位有机会成为另一半的女子，却在我告诉她自己的精神状况后，毅然决定我们只是朋友。不公平吗？非常不公平！有偏见吗？太明显啦！

可是，难道可以永远不说？每年都要复诊，每天都要服药，甚至钱包里总携带着障友卡。很多精神病患者，最讨厌就是长期服药。每次服药，都似乎不断提醒着自己有病，却怎么样都不可停止服药。去复诊的时候，看到很多比自己严重的精神病患者，不得不想自己跟这些严重的患者是同类，大家都有某种的精神病。那张障友卡呢？虽然拥有这张障友卡，可以有不少福利，但是要向他人展示障友卡时，心里总是不好受。

是的，我正常了，过着正常人的生活。可是我能停止服药吗？可以不再复诊吗？可以不再携带障友卡吗？这张障友卡，弥补了这精神病的困扰。事实是，若没有这精神病，就可以拥有更高的社会阶级，也应该老早结婚生子。不说，难道就没有这样的问题吗？不说，难道在公平的环境下，可以承受沉重的压力而不会崩溃？

个人的结论是，当然不要向任何人说自己的精神状况，但是必需向身旁那些爱与关心你的人述说。如果说了后，他们选择离开，就让他们离开。留下来的，才是真正值得珍惜的人。

2022-01-25

Could I self define the meaning of bipolar disorder? I really thought I could do so because I had all the experiences of being a guy with such an issue. I also doubted that the experts for example the psychiatrists, they have all the required knowledge but most of them do not have any experience. 

And then, my mentor reminds me that I'm not qualified to go against the experts by defining my own terms for bipolar disorder. It's because my own judgment has become faulty. First of all, why do I want to define the meaning of bipolar disorder? This is the common mistake for all the people with bipolar instead. While everything becomes good and stable for a long time, we often think that we might be misdiagnosed with such an illness. 

Why I have such a thought? Recently, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Everything was going well with me, so I maintain the same dosage of my medication. I love asking questions. So, I asked my psychiatrist whether should I inform people about my mental health condition. I used to think that, if it's necessary, then I must inform someone about my mental condition. However, the psychiatrist advises me not to inform anyone if possible. He says, if someone knows about my condition, people might have bias looking at me. He means, in such a way, I would put myself in an unfair situation. 

This is really true! I do not have anymore advancement in my current job due to my managers know my mental health condition. No matter how good I perform, all the other colleagues would be promoted besides me. A lady almost wanted to be my girlfriend but the whole relationship ruined when I told her frankly about my condition. It is clear that the world cannot accept me having such a mental illness. 

Actually how I wanted to define bipolar disorder? An illness which needs long term medication to balance the hormones in the brain so that the mood could fluctuate in an acceptable range.  

2021-12-31

来到2021年的最后一天，会对新的一年有什么盼望呢？由于读着硕士学位，生活突然觉得过得很丰富。自己不是特别聪明，所以读书也不会是件轻松的事。一直以来，成绩会比一般人好，也只是因为我比一般人勤劳。

当然希望这疫情快快离去，好让大家都可以恢复以往的生活方式。或许也是因为这疫情关系，才促使我再读多一次硕士学位。真的不是因为自己厉害，而是原本想进修博士学位，但已拥有的硕士学位的成绩并不理想，所以才被逼从硕士开始。相信很多人都不会这么做，也是去寻找另一间大学吧。是的，也是由于经济能力不足，才须要在本地大学读书。曾经有一间著名的英国大学，接受我直接进修博士，可惜学费太惊人，远远超出了我的经济能力！在万般不舍之下，我只好断然拒绝了。

精神病患者可以变得富裕吗？事实是，有很多精神病患者都无法好好照顾自己。当我处于崩溃状态时，脆弱得像个小孩，无助得不知如何是好。我相信精神病患者可以变得富裕，但是在那之前必需懂得顾好自己的精神状况。我们与一般人有什么不一样呢？除了那些已懂得的劣势，我们又拥有什么优势呢？

曾经读过一本书，作者说，世界因为精神病患者而变得精彩。这世界确实这样，如果没有精神病患者，世界会变得很枯燥乏味。精神病患者总是会不按牌理出招，让他人防不胜防。除此之外，在精神病患者的世界里，并没有所谓的逻辑和一般人固有的思路。

2021-12-31

The last day of the year of 2021, I thought our lives could be back to the old norm with vaccinations. Sadly, due to all sorts of new variants, the pandemic proceeds and we have to go for a boaster jab. As expected, my depression ended before Christmas. So, I could have a great day on Christmas. 

However, the transition from depression back to normal state was not smooth. It seemed, I was feeling quite exhausted due to the long period of depression. I was the team leader of a group for a subject, and I was feeling terribly tired to carry on the role as a leader. Fortunately, I managed to settle all the required assignments and submitted all the assignments before the due dates. 

There was a course mate, asked me questions about another subject. I was too tired and advised her to refer to someone else. I even told her that I'm having mental health issues and I needed more rest during that moment. You all know the reaction when someone just knows your mental condition. After several messages, our conversation ceased till today. 

The fact is, studying part time is not easy. Another fact is, it's even tougher with such a mental health condition. There are mainly 2 reasons for me to stop proceeding: firstly, breakdown; secondly, bad results. Besides all these, actually studying is really fun. I just want to do something meaningful and studying is one of it. 

During this pandemic, it's really a great time to study. By studying, it could help me to focus on something meaningful instead of the emotional pains. It's also a reason for me to stay calm so that I could have the opportunity to keep on studying.  

2021-11-24

Ops, what a mistake. Actually I should write an English message first but I accidentally wrote a Chinese message before this one. Obviously this really shows my detriment in concentration due to depression state. It's out of my control, and if someone asks me face to face, "Are you okay?", I would definitely give him a bear hug. 

There are some group activities and assignments in University of Malaya (UM). I never intend to be a leader but I became a leader eventually. Sometimes I would like to sit back and let others to take the lead. Most probably, I want to inform my group members that I'm not feeling well at the moment and please take the leader role off me. Anyway, I never do so. 

For the first semester, all the courses are online learning. It would be much better if I could go on campus and study courses there. It would be much better to meet all my course mates and discuss whatsoever face to face. Unfortunately, I have to wait until semester 2 for hybrid courses, it means I could choose either study on campus or online. For sure I would go to the campus, and prefer not to study online anymore. 

Due to depression state, I handle all the major tasks all these days. Of course I hope that I could perform as usual but I have to accept the reality that I could not do so at the moment. If I feel tired, I would surely slow down and take some rest from time to time. Not feeling guilty to be less productive. The best thing is, I could still go on with all the essential daily routines. 

Dear readers especially those who suffer mental health issues, please do not blame yourself or others for your mental problems. There are many things we do not know but what we do know is already enough to keep us moving. 

2021-11-24

在马来亚大学上了好几个星期的硕士课程，只让几个教授和讲师知道自己的精神状况，并没有告诉身旁的同学们。或许认为还没有这个必要，不会故意隐瞒，同时也不会到处宣扬。在这段低潮期间，常常力不从心。心里很想如平常一样进行各样事务，可惜内心犹如泄了气的气球，失去所有勇往直前的动力。

马大的周教授，是我在这所大学里最重要的贵人。坦然告诉他我的精神问题，也让他知道目前的我处于忧郁阶段。他指教我如何安排每个学期所须读的课目，还索性把研究课程安排到第二学年。简单来说，由于是个兼读学生，读的课文比全时学生少了一半。当然有不少的兼读生跟全是生一样，计划在一年内即可完成硕士学位。事实是，如果没有精神问题，相信也会如此行。幸好本地大学的收费合宜，不必承担像私立大学或外国大学那种令人惊讶的学费。

不敢说这硕士学位读得很轻松，因为仍然有很多很多的新知识。相隔了九年再次踏入大学，之前所会的东西仿佛都已过时。尤其在科技的领域，几乎每过五年就焕然一新。有一点值得鼓励所有双相情感障碍病患者，就是脑袋确实可以持续活跃，不会因为年纪关系而缓和下来。虽然情绪的高高低低会很煎熬，但是可以换来一个灵光的脑袋。不清楚是否所有的躁郁症病患者都一样，可是我可以肯定本身就有这样的脑袋。

是态度的关系吗？觉得自己事事不如人，秉持一颗谦卑的心来学习，因为不自满才更容易学习？加上害怕因药物的关系而肥胖，坚持不断运动，也因如此而让脑袋保持年轻？无论怎么样，希望我的存在和努力可以为所有精神病患者带来些许的鼓励。

2021-10-29

昨天在疫情下度过生日，有来自亲朋好友的祝福，跟父母亲度过开心的一天。父母一直希望我能早日成家，心里清楚知道这几乎是一个不可能的任务。

大学的硕士课程刚开始，只能抱着一颗平常心面对。给予自己半年的时间，若情况有所差错就必须马上停止。到底会有什么问题呢？到目前为止，怎么想都想不到会出什么事。无论如何，要保持警惕，好让发生事情时不会措手不及。

过去读书时，总会发生问题。有些亲戚知道我想继续读书，都担心不已。若这一次再发生事情，那么就不会再尝试踏入校园了。想要成为研究员的梦想，也只能是个梦。硕士过后还有博士，仍然有很长的路要走。

有梦是好事，可以有活下去的斗志。但是如果梦想成为了不必要的负担和枷锁，那么必定要懂得松开双手。何时该坚持不懈？何时该豁达放手？确实是很深奥的学问。