2022-05-26

Do I care that no one reading my blog? Do I care maybe I have to stay single for the rest of my life? Do I care whether I could be part of the society? Yes, I did care much for all these. How about now? Still a bit care about these but not so much anymore. 

What's the root cause for this change? Getting more matured? Perhaps. By being much elder each day, there would be more responsibilities on our shoulders. If we have to care so much, then it would impossible for us to move on.  How we see ourselves is always more important than how others see us. Of course, we should listen to people, but obviously not everyone, especially never listen to those who never care about you. 

Please do value all the advice from those who love and care about you. Try our best to be a better people according to their standard. At the same time, please do remember to voice up your opinions and thoughts. No one could read our minds. Thus, never expect people to understand us without saying a word. It sounds tough but actually it can be pretty simple. 

We do not need to mention about our mental illness condition again and again. We do not have to explain all the ups and downs inside us numerous times. And also, please never expect people to understand what is bipolar disorder. For our conversation, simply say something like, "I feel tired today for all these assignments." or "This song is gorgeous, do you like it too?" 

Surely, if someone who wants to know about your mental health condition, just share with him or her freely. However, please do stop and monitor people's face expression from time to time. When there are more and more question marks on people's face, then it's time for you to stop and smile.  

2021-04-27

已有好一段日子迷上了MBTI，它把人类区分为十六组类型。开始时很懊恼，因为只要不断地重复回答问题，都会获得不同的类型。曾经一度怀疑，这心理测试并不准确。尤其是当自己处于忧郁期、混合期或平凡期，肯定得到了全然不一样的结果。

我想说什么呢？是的，我们都会轻易获得不同的结果。但是当你细心去回答问题后，选择你心里最直接的反应，而不是脑袋里认为应该的举动，那结果即会不再改变。还有一个至关重要的问题：到底是我们的个性造成我们遭遇这精神疾病，还是这精神疾病造就了我们这样的个性？乍看之下，好像“先有鸡蛋，还是先有鸡”的老旧问题。

请别误会，我不想也不要去牵涉这样没完没了的争论。我们拥有怎么样的想法，会直接让我们感到舒服抑或痛苦。假如我们认为，是这精神疾病让我们成为如今这样的自己，那么立即表示我们已放弃好好生活，陷入无止境的煎熬里。倘若我们认为，是我们如此的个性造成我们遭遇这精神病，意味着我们仍有改变的能力与权力，那么腹中那股烈火依然可以熊熊燃烧着。

个性可以改变吗？回到这MBTI测验，每一种类型都有A或T，代表着有Assertive自信稳固，或Turbulent动荡不安。每一种个性都是不同的色彩，无所谓好或坏。但明显的，让自己成为某种色彩自信稳固的一位，而不是动荡不安的一份子。这是人人都能做到的，也可以让精神患者锻炼出坚毅不拔的自信，好好生活着。

但愿天下所有的精神病患者都能好好生活，在这世界舞台上成为其中一位耀眼的人士。不再对自己猜疑是否有价值，也不再认为自己可有可无。世界少了你，马上少了无可取代独有的色彩。

2022-04-26

My mixed state period just ended recently. It was a more suffering condition than depression period. What is the type of mixed state for me? I was feeling tired but feeling irritated constantly at the same moment. Thus, it was undoubtedly tough to remain calm and would get quarrels easily with anyone.

Unfortunately, I had lost my patience and argued fiercely with a client. Of course, while having a logical mind, I should never argue with anyone, definitely not my clients. I was trying my very best not to drink and not to smoke during such a state. Of course, I would feel much better while doing all these. However, how about after all these? Should I smoke more, and should I drink more? At the end, I never smoke nor drink to ease the pains. 

There is a much better way to ease the pains which is doing various types of sports. Maybe people might say, it's too expensive to buy a good road bike, or I'm not good in sports at all. You may just buy a pair of running shoes with the reasonable price, and then start running. I do notice that our medication would easily cause us to gain much weights directly or indirectly. If you have knee problems, most probably you may start walking around. Walking is also a great exercise.

Besides, I was trying to avoid stresses. After working, I would switch off my mind and stop thinking about works. When it is the time to get to bed, I would put my mobile phone in silent mode. So that, I would never be woken up by all sorts of email alerts, WhatsApp messages, Facebook notifications and etc. Instead, a good sleep is much more important than doing all sorts of exercises. 

No matter how hopeless you feel, all these uncomfortable feelings will surely fade away. Yes, we may overcome all the obstacles again and again.    

2022-03-17

由于工作不怎么繁重，还可以兼读硕士课程。第一学期的成绩算是考得挺不错， 所以在这即将开始的第二学期，会比第一学期多读一门课。盼望自己依然可以考得好成绩。

有个猎人头，向我推荐一份更好的工作：薪金比目前的工作高许多，还有职位也比目前的高几个等级。可是我拒绝了。为什么呢？当精神状态好的时候，肯定可以表现得比一般人优越。不幸的是，精神状况不好的时候，几乎没有办法好好工作。

必需坦白，自己在这时候就处于无法安好工作的状况。这部落格一开起来，脑袋空空的，完全不知道该写什么好。无法等到状况好的时候才写，因为这状况会保持相当冗长的时间。咆哮着为何人类不是北极熊，不像北极熊那样可以冬眠一段日子。如果这状况一来到即可进入冬眠，那么日子就不会过得太难受。

是的，我感到难受。可怕的是，这难受会继续不断笼罩着我，无论去到什么地方，这阴影仍然牢牢困锁。光线总是那么刺眼，急躁的声音语气如刀刺割着我的心，难受的情绪怎么变得如此巨大和沉重。想要躲避，想要隐藏，却不知道能藏在什么地方。

或许人人都会问我，难道精神药物失效了吗？当然不是。幸好服用着药物，不然思绪会极度容易陷入无法控制的亢奋中，完全失丧了理智。是的，我感到不舒服，但幸好理智犹在。周而复始的状况，一定可以挨过去。

2022-03-16

It's good to have your own dairy in writing down your daily mood. This was an advice from one of my psychiatrists. Of course, it was hard to carry on patiently. The main motive is, we may know our trend of moods. 

As for myself, I could notice that twice a year, I have had to endure quite a long-lasting of uncomfortable period. If I did follow the advice, I should have realised all the important dates much earlier. Anyway, what's the point to know all these uncomfortable moments? By knowing so, you may plan your events more carefully. And also, during this moment, you may simply slow down without feeling guilty or uneasy. 

In this fast-paced society, we are used to the lifestyle of keep on rushing. Sometimes, we're in a rush until we do not know why we want to do so. Quite often, we might just want to be part of the society by following the rest. We do not want to be left out, do not want to be left behind. Hence, by having such an uncomfortable moment, it reminds us to be true to ourselves. 

In such a mixed state, I'm sensitive to lights, sounds and feelings. If possible, I want to hide myself in a cave. However, life goes on and I have to do something to survive. Fortunately, my job is not too pressure, and it's not that hectic. I might go get a much better job: higher salary and higher position. The consequence is, I might push myself to the edge by doing so. 

Slow down. I'm glad to slow down. A moment to see the world in a much slower tempo. 

2021-02-15

过了西方的情人节，今天是元宵，既是东方的情人节。单生的男士们都被称为“单身狗”，那么我也是只单身狗。如果心情在这时候总会沮丧的话，请暂时不要浏览脸书，也暂时回避一下IG，因为有情人的人士，在这时候都会放闪，让单身狗们更加难过伤心。

幸好爱情并非人生的全部，不然要我怎么度过一年又一年的东西方情人节？昨天在优管看了新加坡介绍有关当地精神病患者的状况。在里头，谈到了标签，外人对精神病患者错误的想法，还有精神病患者的孤单寂寞等等。这节目应该是要化解他人对精神病患者的歧视与误解，但我个人看了后，心情变得更加低落。

由于大家都不热衷于探讨精神病患者的世界，而我又处于这两个世界的中间：一边是大部份人士所熟悉的世界；另一个是精神病患者那挣扎悲惨的世界。仿佛大家一想到精神病患者，就是如此的悲惨与不堪。到底精神病患者，有多少处于那大家所认为的癫疯世界，又有多少是活在一般人的世界里呢？

撇开这不重要的问题，我想说的是，精神病患者也可以积极快乐生活，甚至比一般人更有毅力与能耐去实现自己的梦想。当精神病患者从癫疯世界的泞泥里走出来后，坦然生活在一般人的世界里，领悟了这一切并非理所当然，也清楚了解时间太宝贵，因为在那挣扎的过程里已花费太多时间，所以会比一般人更努力，比一般人更坚决自己的理想与方向，甚至面对问题会比一般人更加无畏！不是吗？

或许能这么想的精神病患者占少数。但我深信，会这么想的精神病患者，肯定不会只是我一个。

2022-02-14

Today is Valentine's Day, it's the most terrible day of the whole day. Moreover, this year is the most heartbreaking Valentine's Day for me. I met a lady about 2 years via online dating, and we remain as friends for all these days. I was trying to understand her more throughout this friendship. 

One day, I told her that I wanted to give her a Valentine's Day gift. She said okay, and even suggested to have a Valentine's Day dinner as well. I thought she gave me a green light, telling me that I got the chance to start a love relationship with her. I prayed that I could be the best guy for her, treat her well, and learn how to love her deeply. However, this dream lasted for a few days only. On 1st of February 2022, she told me frankly that she doesn't ready for a love relationship yet, and she never plans to get married yet. In fact, she was telling me between her lines that I'm not the Mr. Right for her anyway. 

Of course, this was a heartbreaking news. Fortunately, I've never told my family members anything about her. I successfully remained calm and still till today. The main thing should be, it is obvious that I like her but not to the level of 'love' yet. When a love relationship is not confirmed, I shouldn't fall in love with anyone, so that my sanity can be sustained. For the 2 broken love relationships, I truly fell in love and when the relationships failed, I couldn't help myself into having some breakdowns. 

The main lesson I would like is, never simply fall in love with anyone. When I fall in love, I would think it's forever and pretty hard to quit. The pains remain, but it's bearable. The most important thing is, we should never lose our sanity. Once fall into a breakdown, it takes years to be fully recovered. Some more, it brings more pains to the ones who genuinely love us. 

So, please do not crush into a breakdown for someone who doesn't love you. Take care, my friends!