2021-11-24

Ops, what a mistake. Actually I should write an English message first but I accidentally wrote a Chinese message before this one. Obviously this really shows my detriment in concentration due to depression state. It's out of my control, and if someone asks me face to face, "Are you okay?", I would definitely give him a bear hug. 

There are some group activities and assignments in University of Malaya (UM). I never intend to be a leader but I became a leader eventually. Sometimes I would like to sit back and let others to take the lead. Most probably, I want to inform my group members that I'm not feeling well at the moment and please take the leader role off me. Anyway, I never do so. 

For the first semester, all the courses are online learning. It would be much better if I could go on campus and study courses there. It would be much better to meet all my course mates and discuss whatsoever face to face. Unfortunately, I have to wait until semester 2 for hybrid courses, it means I could choose either study on campus or online. For sure I would go to the campus, and prefer not to study online anymore. 

Due to depression state, I handle all the major tasks all these days. Of course I hope that I could perform as usual but I have to accept the reality that I could not do so at the moment. If I feel tired, I would surely slow down and take some rest from time to time. Not feeling guilty to be less productive. The best thing is, I could still go on with all the essential daily routines. 

Dear readers especially those who suffer mental health issues, please do not blame yourself or others for your mental problems. There are many things we do not know but what we do know is already enough to keep us moving. 

2021-11-24

在马来亚大学上了好几个星期的硕士课程，只让几个教授和讲师知道自己的精神状况，并没有告诉身旁的同学们。或许认为还没有这个必要，不会故意隐瞒，同时也不会到处宣扬。在这段低潮期间，常常力不从心。心里很想如平常一样进行各样事务，可惜内心犹如泄了气的气球，失去所有勇往直前的动力。

马大的周教授，是我在这所大学里最重要的贵人。坦然告诉他我的精神问题，也让他知道目前的我处于忧郁阶段。他指教我如何安排每个学期所须读的课目，还索性把研究课程安排到第二学年。简单来说，由于是个兼读学生，读的课文比全时学生少了一半。当然有不少的兼读生跟全是生一样，计划在一年内即可完成硕士学位。事实是，如果没有精神问题，相信也会如此行。幸好本地大学的收费合宜，不必承担像私立大学或外国大学那种令人惊讶的学费。

不敢说这硕士学位读得很轻松，因为仍然有很多很多的新知识。相隔了九年再次踏入大学，之前所会的东西仿佛都已过时。尤其在科技的领域，几乎每过五年就焕然一新。有一点值得鼓励所有双相情感障碍病患者，就是脑袋确实可以持续活跃，不会因为年纪关系而缓和下来。虽然情绪的高高低低会很煎熬，但是可以换来一个灵光的脑袋。不清楚是否所有的躁郁症病患者都一样，可是我可以肯定本身就有这样的脑袋。

是态度的关系吗？觉得自己事事不如人，秉持一颗谦卑的心来学习，因为不自满才更容易学习？加上害怕因药物的关系而肥胖，坚持不断运动，也因如此而让脑袋保持年轻？无论怎么样，希望我的存在和努力可以为所有精神病患者带来些许的鼓励。

2021-10-29

昨天在疫情下度过生日，有来自亲朋好友的祝福，跟父母亲度过开心的一天。父母一直希望我能早日成家，心里清楚知道这几乎是一个不可能的任务。

大学的硕士课程刚开始，只能抱着一颗平常心面对。给予自己半年的时间，若情况有所差错就必须马上停止。到底会有什么问题呢？到目前为止，怎么想都想不到会出什么事。无论如何，要保持警惕，好让发生事情时不会措手不及。

过去读书时，总会发生问题。有些亲戚知道我想继续读书，都担心不已。若这一次再发生事情，那么就不会再尝试踏入校园了。想要成为研究员的梦想，也只能是个梦。硕士过后还有博士，仍然有很长的路要走。

有梦是好事，可以有活下去的斗志。但是如果梦想成为了不必要的负担和枷锁，那么必定要懂得松开双手。何时该坚持不懈？何时该豁达放手？确实是很深奥的学问。

2021-10-27

Got the opportunity to study a master course at University of Malaya. Actually I wanted to study a PhD course but the master degree I have is not qualified for that. It should be a good stepping stone towards a PhD. 

For my bachelor and master degrees, I had had a breakdown for both of the courses. Although I could still manage to complete those courses, but the experiences were terribly heartbreaking. I was feeling so helpless like a little child, until I didn't know how to pack my clothes to return back to Malaysia. Two good friends from Malaysia who stay in the UK came to me, and they helped me to pack. 

During all those days, I was living in fears and totally no confidence. Kept bothering whoever I knew and kept on talking with them. My used to be godmother, who was also my Sunday school teacher, she was so frustrated until she decided to end our relationships, asking not to talk to her anymore. And also, during that period, I lost almost all my friends. Even my sister also almost wanted to break the relationship with me. 

I don't have confidence to pass with flying colours for this master course. Moreover, I already set a 6 months probation period. If anything goes wrong or fail a subject, then I have to quit this course whatsoever. All in all, having a good health is much more important than getting another masters.   

 2021-09-17

其实我自己并不知道，何时会陷入混乱之中。虽然一直按时服药，但依然没有完全的信心，在遇到突然而来的紧急大事件，是否还可以保存着理智。若可以，如果幸运的话，有个伴侣在身旁，你我好好彼此相伴扶持。

在写着这部落格时，我仍然是单身，并没有所谓的另一半，也没有女朋友。随着年纪逐渐变老，父母亲都很焦虑，十分担心在他们离开后，谁会在我需要的时候给予照顾。是的，这确实是一个很重要的课题。当然在面对这问题之前，必需能够如一般人那样生活。同样的，我没有十全的把握，向世界宣布已经跟一般人无异。

所谓居安思危，在日子过得安稳时要想想未来可能会出现的问题。在这里，我发现精神病患者必需有几个能给予即时协助的人士。这些人有相关的知识和能力，可以立即给予我们很大的帮助。由于众多的精神病患者并非富裕，或来自富有的家庭，政府确实需要设立这所谓的“救命人员”提供援助。

宗教集团在这方面，当然可以提供帮助。他们可以在信徒里头，教导信徒们要包容和协助精神病患者，切勿排挤或鄙视我们。我是一名基督教徒，很遗憾会在此抱怨，教会并无法提供我需要的帮助。无论怎么样，我会学习原谅和包容。感觉上，自己像是一个边缘人，在精神病患群体里最接近正常的那一位；在一般人当中却又属于较为异常的那一个。结果，两边都不是。

没有关系，我内心衷心渴望精神病患者都能好好生活。更重要的是，我们大家都能够成功融入这个世界里。

2021-09-15

"Everything will get better and better." I keep telling myself this sentence again and again. If you watch YouTube videos about those famous people who used to prophecy, nearly all of them tell us it's getting worse. 

This is a strange behaviour of human beings. People tend to talk bad things about other people. People are more attracted to bad news. It's rare for people who love talking good things about other people. And it's rare people keep on reading good news. Hence, it's much easier for us to criticise rather than to praise. 

In fact, I used to criticise as well. Used to think that I was much better than most of the people. The whole scenario changed once I have had been labelled as 'bipolar disorder'. This seemed like a dead sentence for me. By having such a label, I was almost the worst among everyone. No more dignity, no more self esteem. Anyhow, should I remain like this for the rest of my life?

A group of people would think that everything has been fixed, and there's nothing much we could do. This kind of predestination thought printed deeply in all these people. In contrast, I believe in free will, I believe in we have the ability to change. Although I used to think that no one would ever love me due to this mental illness. And now, I would want to change this thought to be, I believe someone would still love me with this mental illness. 

It's true that such a mental illness is a great obstacle. And it's also true that we could overcome the obstacle. As long as we keep a good health, we would have more time to deal with it. Yes, I'm getting older and older, but at the same time, I'm getting wiser and wiser. 

 2021-08-24

双相情感障碍患者在工作方面当然会面对比一般人更加多的问题。无论如何，人人都需要一份工作。至于精神病患者，我们更需要一份稳定的工作。

精神疾病是属于私人的问题，我们不必要把这问题写在履历里，但要肯定我们可以胜任该工作。试用期短则三个月，长则六个月，这段时间确实不好过。我们只有尽上最大的努力，但千万不可让自己陷入精神崩溃。我是一名电讯工程师，在某间国际企业里工作。这公司的试用期长达六个月，压力大得几乎要让我精神崩溃。记得几乎要通过试用期之前，直接告诉上司我的病情，过后去直接去看精神科医生。父母亲大力反对我这样做，因为这样会摧毁了我的事业。我曾经以为自己一定可以，但当内在情绪动荡和不断淌血时，非常需要停下来。

公司看到我的努力，也看到我的成绩，并正式雇佣了我。由于只可以做白天的工作，不可以长时间工作，也不可以如平常工程师那样全时间戒备似地工作，过了许多年之后仍然是一名初级工程师。跟我同时间加入此公司的同事，还是比我更迟加入公司的同事，他们都远远超越了我。心里会不平衡，以至曾经辞去这份工作再远赴英国修读硕士。可是在那里又发生精神崩溃而把一切计划都砸碎，幸好旧公司依然肯重新雇佣我。在同一间公司做了许多年，至今也依然是个初级工程师。无所谓吧，至少可以有份工作。

是的，这只是我个人的分享。我们要接受自己的不足，要接受自己的软弱。千万不要看不起自己，因为这一路走来真的很辛苦。在这浩瀚的宇宙里，我们还有一席之地。身为地球的一份子，我们可以贡献少许，这已经很棒啦！