2021-09-17

其实我自己并不知道，何时会陷入混乱之中。虽然一直按时服药，但依然没有完全的信心，在遇到突然而来的紧急大事件，是否还可以保存着理智。若可以，如果幸运的话，有个伴侣在身旁，你我好好彼此相伴扶持。

在写着这部落格时，我仍然是单身，并没有所谓的另一半，也没有女朋友。随着年纪逐渐变老，父母亲都很焦虑，十分担心在他们离开后，谁会在我需要的时候给予照顾。是的，这确实是一个很重要的课题。当然在面对这问题之前，必需能够如一般人那样生活。同样的，我没有十全的把握，向世界宣布已经跟一般人无异。

所谓居安思危，在日子过得安稳时要想想未来可能会出现的问题。在这里，我发现精神病患者必需有几个能给予即时协助的人士。这些人有相关的知识和能力，可以立即给予我们很大的帮助。由于众多的精神病患者并非富裕，或来自富有的家庭，政府确实需要设立这所谓的“救命人员”提供援助。

宗教集团在这方面，当然可以提供帮助。他们可以在信徒里头，教导信徒们要包容和协助精神病患者，切勿排挤或鄙视我们。我是一名基督教徒，很遗憾会在此抱怨，教会并无法提供我需要的帮助。无论怎么样，我会学习原谅和包容。感觉上，自己像是一个边缘人，在精神病患群体里最接近正常的那一位；在一般人当中却又属于较为异常的那一个。结果，两边都不是。

没有关系，我内心衷心渴望精神病患者都能好好生活。更重要的是，我们大家都能够成功融入这个世界里。

2021-09-15

"Everything will get better and better." I keep telling myself this sentence again and again. If you watch YouTube videos about those famous people who used to prophecy, nearly all of them tell us it's getting worse. 

This is a strange behaviour of human beings. People tend to talk bad things about other people. People are more attracted to bad news. It's rare for people who love talking good things about other people. And it's rare people keep on reading good news. Hence, it's much easier for us to criticise rather than to praise. 

In fact, I used to criticise as well. Used to think that I was much better than most of the people. The whole scenario changed once I have had been labelled as 'bipolar disorder'. This seemed like a dead sentence for me. By having such a label, I was almost the worst among everyone. No more dignity, no more self esteem. Anyhow, should I remain like this for the rest of my life?

A group of people would think that everything has been fixed, and there's nothing much we could do. This kind of predestination thought printed deeply in all these people. In contrast, I believe in free will, I believe in we have the ability to change. Although I used to think that no one would ever love me due to this mental illness. And now, I would want to change this thought to be, I believe someone would still love me with this mental illness. 

It's true that such a mental illness is a great obstacle. And it's also true that we could overcome the obstacle. As long as we keep a good health, we would have more time to deal with it. Yes, I'm getting older and older, but at the same time, I'm getting wiser and wiser. 

 2021-08-24

双相情感障碍患者在工作方面当然会面对比一般人更加多的问题。无论如何，人人都需要一份工作。至于精神病患者，我们更需要一份稳定的工作。

精神疾病是属于私人的问题，我们不必要把这问题写在履历里，但要肯定我们可以胜任该工作。试用期短则三个月，长则六个月，这段时间确实不好过。我们只有尽上最大的努力，但千万不可让自己陷入精神崩溃。我是一名电讯工程师，在某间国际企业里工作。这公司的试用期长达六个月，压力大得几乎要让我精神崩溃。记得几乎要通过试用期之前，直接告诉上司我的病情，过后去直接去看精神科医生。父母亲大力反对我这样做，因为这样会摧毁了我的事业。我曾经以为自己一定可以，但当内在情绪动荡和不断淌血时，非常需要停下来。

公司看到我的努力，也看到我的成绩，并正式雇佣了我。由于只可以做白天的工作，不可以长时间工作，也不可以如平常工程师那样全时间戒备似地工作，过了许多年之后仍然是一名初级工程师。跟我同时间加入此公司的同事，还是比我更迟加入公司的同事，他们都远远超越了我。心里会不平衡，以至曾经辞去这份工作再远赴英国修读硕士。可是在那里又发生精神崩溃而把一切计划都砸碎，幸好旧公司依然肯重新雇佣我。在同一间公司做了许多年，至今也依然是个初级工程师。无所谓吧，至少可以有份工作。

是的，这只是我个人的分享。我们要接受自己的不足，要接受自己的软弱。千万不要看不起自己，因为这一路走来真的很辛苦。在这浩瀚的宇宙里，我们还有一席之地。身为地球的一份子，我们可以贡献少许，这已经很棒啦！

 2021-08-23

How people react when you tell him or her that you have bipolar disorder? In fact, most of the people don't know how to react. From my own experience, they prefer to keep silence or assume I've never told them a word. 

What is the motive behind that I wanted to tell someone that I have such a mental illness? As what I could observe, the majority should act in a certain range for a situation. However, for the same situation, I have acted out of the scope. For example, during this pandemic, I cannot attend choir in a church. All the choir members have to record their singings accordingly. It's really tough to do so. I had tried my best but the video clip has been rejected. This is only the first try. For the majority, they would try to record for the second time. My mood suddenly dropped a few days ago and I have to suffer a long lasting painful feeling inside. In such a circumstance, I felt fed up and wanted to quit straight away. My choir leader patiently advised me not to do so. And then, I felt sorry and told him directly that I have bipolar disorder and being in depression state now, and also I have to suffer the long lasting painful feeling at the moment.

Guess what the feedback from the choir leader? No feedback. What they should response? Another question is, what response we really want? From their point of view, it'll be safe to keep silence. If they say something inappropriate, maybe we would be much worse. All right, this seems correct whatsoever. Anyway, do we expect a silence from the people whenever we tell them about our mental problems? The answer is obviously NO. The main message today is not teaching people how to react. I just want to share with all the mental illness people that it's okay that you tell someone about your mental problems but please do not expect much from the people. Let them know our limitation so that we do not have to bear unnecessary burdens. The painful feeling that we need to suffer is hard to be understood by those who do not have such a problem.      

 2021-07-28

在这段时间，因各种突发事件，有很多人的精神状况都出现了问题。按照一路以来的数据，双相情感病患者的自杀比率是极其惊人的，每四位病患者就有一位曾经试图自杀。可是现在，有很多人陷入了困境又无法走出来，导致最终自我了断。

“记得寻求帮助。” 有位恩师给予我的良言。当我们被某些事物困扰，尽了最大的脑力和体力都无法解决时，记得向他人寻求帮助。有很多时候，他人都可以帮助我们，至少我们知道有人关心自己的问题，我们并非孤单一人面对问题。这里指的是，自己无论怎么绞尽脑汁都无法处理的事物，不是一般自己就可处理好的琐事。

需要他人帮助时，不要继续高举尊严和面子。千万不要觉得羞耻或丢了面子，因为这些在精神崩溃前并不算什么。向肯帮助你的人寻求帮助，而不是自己苦苦支撑，到最后无法支撑倒下而自杀。毕竟事实是，当我们寻求他人的协助，这举动根本不是件羞耻的事。若我们可以做到的事，我们会很开心去帮助某人。同样的，他人也会很乐意来帮助我们。

这里有个重点，那就是我们是自重和自爱的群体。不需要他人来尊敬我们，而是我们自己瞧得起自己。不需要他人来疼爱我们，而是自己关爱自己。或许在接受别人帮助的过程里，会认为自己很没用，怎么没有什么机会去帮助人。至少至少至少，我们可以好好照顾自己。家人和关心我们的人都会很欣慰，我们可以好好生活。

谢谢每一位曾经帮助我的人，因为没有了你们，我无法走到今天。谢谢！

 2021-07-26

During this long lasting lockdown at my place, the suicidal rate increases tremendously. We are in a tunnel which there is no clue when would we see the light. While reading newspaper, most of the news are bad and depressing. 

Those who committed suicide, most of them were considered okay in the view of the people. How about those who are mentally ill? Obviously, it's tough for us. For example, I love traveling around and go swimming. At this moment, I cannot go traveling, and cannot go for swimming. Being trapped under such a circumstance and there's no way out. 

Thankfully, I could still run around my house every single morning. Besides medication, exercise is a great medicine for mentally ill people. While I was studying in the UK, a therapist advised me to run every day. I was wondering, how to run every day? That time, running twice a week was more than enough. And now, running daily really could keep me going. 

I run really slowly every day. Not about the end result nor distance, but the experience of running for a long time, not thinking about anything, not worrying about the present and future. Just a simple hope, the hope about a good future for everyone, that the pandemic would cease as soon as possible. 

While sleeping at night, the deep sorrow feelings might be too heavy to bear. Hence, I just think that, tomorrow early morning, I would be running around. After a while, I would fall asleep gradually.  

 2021-06-23

曾经试着跟女生交往，过后发现在东方的社会似乎没有人肯接受精神病患者成为终身伴侣。东方与西方在思想价值观方面，确实存在着很大的鸿沟。东方当然有不少美好的价值观，这是毋庸置疑的，但是西方在某些领域也有其优异的价值观。

并非想论述东西两方的价值观，而事实是西方人比东方人更当然接受精神病患者。到目前为止，身为一位精神病患者，在华人社会里仍然是可耻的。西医有精神科，但在中医里没有所谓的精神科。人人都有情绪，可是身为男子的我却不能向任何人透露自己的情绪。情绪化的男子，较敏感的男子，是不被华人社会接受，因为这些只是女子的专利。

我没有能力改变他人的价值观，即使对方说不过我，他人却坚决认为他的想法是对的。主要的目的并不是去说服任何人，而是让他人知道并非人人都跟他拥有相同的想法。精神病患者为这世界增添了色彩。是的，我们确实为这黑白灰的世界增加了色彩。同性恋群众高举了六色彩虹，他们并不知道精神病患者给予世界的，何止区区六种色彩？

说到这里，重点是，我们是有价值的！重复一次，我们是有价值的！天生有材必有用，这一句话更加显现在精神病患者的身上。必须承认我无法解决许多问题，但我不想回避任何问题，而是坚决去面对。今天无法解决的问题，还有明天、后天、大后天等等。无论如何，我们必需选择——拒绝放弃！