2020-09-25

Until today, my mental condition has been stabilised for about 3 years after my previous discharged from a psychiatric ward. If this is the first time you read my blog, then you have to know that I have been breakdown for numerous times. To be precise, my mind became insane and back to sanity for 6 times. However, my total stays in a psychiatric ward is far more than 6 times. 

Why so many times? If there is a memoir or biography for a bipolar disorder patient, he or she most probably mentions that he or she stayed in a psychiatric ward once. Undoubtedly, the recovery road is terribly long and tough. Thus, after recovery, they would make sure that they never fall down again. Anyhow, I was stubborn, and actually I'm still pretty stubborn now. I used to believe that I could survive without medication, and I could achieve much better than most of the people. The result? I fell down again and again till I'd realised that I must stop. I've never meant to hurt all the people who love me.  

For some people, they are really obedient. So obedient that it's totally out of my mind for me. For the outside, I look obedient as the rest. But actually, I'm far beyond rebellion inside. I thought I could change the rules, or maybe break all the unnecessary rules. Maybe it seems I'm listening and following all the rules and restrictions for bipolar people, but I'm still looking for ways to overcome all these things. 

Got one thing which I preserve so hard in my heart. I still and always believe that bipolar disorder people can have a good life. There are so many sad stories about us. Even the divorce rate is about 90% for us! Moreover the suicidal rate is 3 out of 4 people! Enough, it's really enough. We can have a beautiful life because our feelings are so intense and deep. We live wholeheartedly and never ever regret about it.   

 2020-09-24

这条路该怎么走？一切已经安好了吗？最坏的情况都过去了吗？会不会突然受到很大的刺激又再次崩溃？

老实说，这些问题我通通都没有至好至善至美的答案。若把这精神问题放一边，当你用心去聆听一般人的烦恼和问题时，你会发现似乎人人都有棘手与无法解决的难题。是的，精神问题是一道很困难的难题。但是一般人身上的难题会是轻省的吗？肯定不是。

很多时候，由于我们背负着这精神疾病的标签，有些难题我们却被宽恕免除。相信精神病患者都知道我在说什么，而我就不必一一累赘叙述。想说的是，是的，我们生活得很艰难，常常默默忍受着一般人所不必难熬的精神苦痛。可是我们却不要忘记一般人所要面对的苦痛也不少，千万不要认为自己是天下最凄凉的那一位。

总要坚持，也总要相信，并用不可放弃！当状况好的时候，我们尽力向前冲刺。反之，我们好好放慢脚步生活，过程不要拥有任何愧疚感。是的，我正在忍受着精神上的疼痛，这怎么都抓不到痛楚的疼痛。过程不好受，只好慢慢生活，不给自己添加不必要的苦痛。

 2020-08-28

"How are you recently?" A friend used to ask me such a question again and again. Sigh... Why can't he asks me something else? Something which is much easier to answer. For example, "Have you exercised this morning?", "Did you sleep well last night?", "Still manage to keep your daily routine accordingly?" and etc.

For my point of view, these three aspects are important for bipolar disorder people rather than keep asking us how we are. A good sleep, exercise regularly, and able to keep all our daily routine under control. It's sickening hard for me to judge my own sanity. Am I okay now? Frankly speaking, I don't know. Thus, please do not ask me this question again. 

Besides that, I might have ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and being hypersensitive all the time. In brief, hyperactive and hypersensitive altogether. This is the reason why I need to exercise almost every day. And then, it's painful for me to be around those people who like to complain and full of grudges, someone who is a perfect negative one. I know people cannot be positive forever but I really notice some people who 'love' to be amazingly negative. I used to pull these people out of their negativity but they return to their initial state repeatedly. Why? I also don't know. 

After so many times, it should be wise for me to stay away for all these negative people. In fact, no one can really help them if they themselves already quit in helping themselves. I've never wanted to give up for all these friends but if I never do so, then I'd be surely fall into the same negative state as them. 

2020-08-25

到底这疫情什么时候结束？疫苗什么时候面世？解药灵丹找到了吗？这真的给大家很大的磨练与无期限的折磨。相信这期间，忧郁的人会更加忧郁。我们只好耐心等待，坚守内心那微弱如烛火的期盼。

匆匆地，我们来到了下半年。有很多东西不能做，但也同时做了很多其他的东西。习惯这所谓的新常态，总提醒自己别忘了戴口罩，还要与他人保持适当的距离。什么时候能结束呢？什么时候可以与人靠近谈话？什么时候可以与人握手拥抱？好的，要好好耐心等待吧。

莫名之间，时间多出了许多。多些时间安眠，多些时间运动，也多些时间思考。有不少人都失业，在这段期间都很难再找另一份工作。如果我也失业，我又能做什么呢？是的，失业是非常恐慌的事情。失业与开始新工作，这两项事情都会引爆我的精神状况。不断告诉自己，保持理性是最重要的事。一旦失去了理性，我就变成家人与在乎我的亲友们的包袱。不想也不要再次成为包袱！

所以这期间，纵然无法泡浸在好消息里头，却尽量远离负面的情绪与爱抱怨的人群。事实是，我还无法成为情绪稳如泰山的壮士，且无法撑起他人的伟人。多想多想如此，但本人仍旧需要靠药物来安稳情绪。唉，这就是所谓的爱莫能助。

2020-07-22

"Life is getting better." I truly believe this statement. Fortunately we have memories, no matter good or bad. We did mistakes, this is absolutely normal, but a more important thing about mistakes should be we learned from it and never repeat it. 

When a psychiatrist told me about my mental illness, besides struggling hard to accept the truth, I'd tried all my best in understanding it deeply. Theories are undoubtedly useful, and practical acts are more valuable. For some people, they get better by doing this. And then, for another group of people, they get better by doing that. Who is right? Simple, I took the risks and tried it all. 

A cruel fact is, two people with the same mental illness living in totally two different mazes. Even for psychiatrists, they also apply trial-and-error method in treating their patients. As a mental illness patient, the number one character is never give up. Then, the second character is bravery. We must be brave enough to take all the risks. Moreover, the next one is patience. For some actions, it might take a long time to see the results. In brief, never quit, keep on trying, and having a positive behaviour in accepting all the failures. Of course, it seems so simple in mentioning all these. Whatsoever, I tried and did all these myself.

After I overcame an issue, there would be another issue immediately. Once the issue had been solved, then I'd have another one. If we give up in facing all these obstacles, we would trap in the chaotic mind forever. Last but not least, we must learn how to relax. This is really a long journey, and I'm still on my way, extremely long way in front of me. I'm trying hard to move forward, but I remember to stop and take some rest from time to time. Never ever over do it.     

2020-07-17

不枉此行，这是今天想说的主题。很多人的人生，都极其相似，似乎没有什么精彩的故事可言。相反的，精神病患者的人生却是如此离奇复杂。当然没有人愿意成为精神病患者，而总多的精神病患者也同样希望自己没有这样的精神疾病。

走到这里，有些事是需要接受的，但是那心态并非所谓的“认命”。接受自己和认命在更深层的意义里，是全然不同的两个世界。一个人认命后，往往不会再继续改变现状。另一个人接受自己后，深层了解自己后，会更坚决继续改变现状。简单来说，认命是放弃，而接受自己是坦然坚毅奋斗。

由于这是精神疾病，我设法从最深层的心灵角度来面对和解决。无论某人是正面还是负面的，精神病患者绝不可以放弃，怎么样都不要放弃了自己。是的，好像一切都不好。在人群中被他人排挤，在职场上几乎没有发展的机会，在爱情里频频受到重挫，甚至身旁也没有朋友们陪伴等等。要埋怨的话，可以说很多很多。明显的是这些埋怨的话，只会让自己越说越受伤。当然我不会否决，人人都需要好好向某人倾诉倾诉。必须提醒自己，倾诉跟埋怨又是两个不同的世界。

为了什么继续奋战呢？除了家人、关心与爱你的人之外，请为其他仍然在挣扎的精神病患者奋战吧。是的，这过程很苦、很痛、很无助、也很寂寞。但请你继续奋战，请不要放弃！精神病患者尤其是躁郁症病患者要好好生活，让大家努力加油吧。在时辰到的那一刻，我们都能骄傲地告诉自己——不枉此行！

2020-06-22

From Conditional Movement Control Order (cMCO) to Recovery Movement Control Order (rMCO), will it be another type of MCO? Looking at the terrible figures about this pandemic, behind the figures are numerous heartbroken incidents and tears. When will it end? 

By having 2 languages in the same blog, I might be having personality disorder too. Letting both languages flow freely from my brain, from my heart in deep. Words are miracles, it can express the innermost feelings and thoughts. It's really a kind of art. From the existence of words until now, it can be kept for a long long time. To be precise, I'm using my intellectual mind to write, but behind the mind, the great motivation for me to keep writing is my roaring emotional heart. 

Feeling too much, it's hurt, it's really painful, it's like a never ending bleeding heart. People keep talking about positive thinking. Where got so much positive energy, radiance or aura? In fact, the world consists more negative power. Anyhow, we have to resist stubbornly. More stubborn than any material in the world. In mathematics, negative negative become positive. Maybe this is the way to fight against the negative surrounding by using another negative action which is stubbornness.

I believe there is someone else more stubborn than I. Until now, 6 times breakdowns and 6 times recovery experiences, the main character behind should be stubbornness. Yes, I have faith, strongly believe that bipolar disorder people can win in the end. It's suffering greatly, and so many times I prayed to God to take away my life, but after that my battling journey continues.