2020-03-09
About twice a year, one time before Christmas and another time before Easter Day, I have to suffer depression state or most probably mixed state for almost a month. I hardly differentiate depression state and mixed state because I cannot say that I'm at a low mood for such a long time. In fact, I'm suffering quite bad emotionally for such a long time.
Interestingly, I can still perform daily routine as if I'm totally OK. Moreover, I can still participate in any sport events for example triathlon and completed it with a better result than last year. Anyway, I'm bleeding inside, bleeding emotionally and mentally. It makes me feeling irritated and uncontrollably easily getting angry and fall into unnecessary quarrels. This is the main reason why I must restrain myself from involving into all the unnecessary social events right now.
Must be really careful not to trigger myself into a chaotic mind. That's why I think most probably I'm experiencing a mixed state now. It's much easier for me to tackle depression and manic states but it's really hard to handle a mixed state. In brief, it's really uncomfortable and I have no idea how to ease the pains.
Be still, be calm. It'll eventually cease. I repeat all the words again and again to myself.
Monday, March 9, 2020
Friday, March 6, 2020
2020-03-06
当年龄渐长后，发现很多事情都已无法回头，唯有继续走下去，见一步走一步。曾经错过了吗？没有珍惜吗？那段凌乱的过去，我又能怎么做最理性和正确的决定？不能怪自己，我怎么能怪自己？
走得渐渐清晰的时候，豁相然发现身边的人都不一样，身处同一个世界，却处于不同的空间。会孤单吗？会寂寞吗？这问题都全然失去了意义。肯定孤单的，也肯定会寂寞。目前的情况是，我很容易了解他人，也很容易进入他人的世界里。可是一直到现在，似乎没有成功进入我的世界。尽力过好好说明一切，用对方能理解的言词，却怎么做都已失败收场。门敞开了，大大敞开了，没有人进来，根本都进不来。
看来只好这样下去，毕竟没有了解我并不会断送性命。没有关系的，怪只怪自己的思绪太杂乱，也因此当初会不断陷入崩溃状况。这样复杂的思绪，仿佛要到某个年龄才可以驾驭。若是这样，年龄渐长是个好事。
Thursday, February 6, 2020
2020-02-06
After a long holiday for Chinese New Year, I have to return to my routine life again. Of course I don't dare to be a driver for my family members, driving here and there for long hours. During the celebration, I got to bed a bit later than normal and awake a bit later than normal as well. After that, I have to force myself back to the routine sleeping time again.
Due to my mental illness issue, the job responsibilities arranged by my manager are quite simple and light. In another way, I can say that my job is quite bored. Anyhow I understood this should be the best arrangement, and I need to have a stable career to survive. I'll give quite a huge amount of money to my parents, and my father will keep a portion and save the money for me, and the rest of it is my responsible to support my family's financial status.
Yes, mental illness people are necessary to bear our own responsibilities. It doesn't mean we may escape from all the responsibilities once we have a mental illness. Without all these responsibilities, we will definitely lose one of the great reasons to live. It's really satisfying that you may able to work and also the ability to support your own family.
I can't deny that my job is bored. I also cannot deny that my stable life after medication is also bored. Realise that get used to a boring life is a sign of maturity. When getting elder and elder, I yearn to be a real man.
After a long holiday for Chinese New Year, I have to return to my routine life again. Of course I don't dare to be a driver for my family members, driving here and there for long hours. During the celebration, I got to bed a bit later than normal and awake a bit later than normal as well. After that, I have to force myself back to the routine sleeping time again.
Due to my mental illness issue, the job responsibilities arranged by my manager are quite simple and light. In another way, I can say that my job is quite bored. Anyhow I understood this should be the best arrangement, and I need to have a stable career to survive. I'll give quite a huge amount of money to my parents, and my father will keep a portion and save the money for me, and the rest of it is my responsible to support my family's financial status.
Yes, mental illness people are necessary to bear our own responsibilities. It doesn't mean we may escape from all the responsibilities once we have a mental illness. Without all these responsibilities, we will definitely lose one of the great reasons to live. It's really satisfying that you may able to work and also the ability to support your own family.
I can't deny that my job is bored. I also cannot deny that my stable life after medication is also bored. Realise that get used to a boring life is a sign of maturity. When getting elder and elder, I yearn to be a real man.
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
2020-02-05
说说约会吧。本人尝试过网上约会，付了大约九百多令吉的费用。当时的我真的以为透过这网上约会能够遇见另一半。那机构给予自己一年至少十次的约会，若过了一年无法获得十次约会的话，那么会员资格将获延长一年。
结果如何？一年过去了，才有几次的约会。获得延长一年，一直到期限只有九次约会。鼓励我参加此约会的朋友，不到一年就约会了十多次，而他也成功找到了女朋友。确实不想随随便便寻找另一半，纵然自己有精神问题。曾经遇到一位女生，似乎将成功，但我勇敢告诉了她我的精神状况。她很楞然我的诚实，却在夜晚各自回到家后来电告诉我，她只希望跟我保持普通朋友的关系。
其实这打击是挺大的，相信有许多女生都会跟她做相同的抉择。如果那些女生们在浏览我的资料时，那里明确表明此人患有躁郁症，深信过了两年后却没有女生愿意与我见面吧。许多人劝我尝试隐瞒，可是能够隐瞒多久呢？怎么解释为何每晚那么早入眠？怎么解释为何有硕士学位却只是位普通的工程师？怎么解释为何滴酒不沾？怎么解释偶尔的长期情绪沮丧而需要更多的清静空间？不喜欢说谎，因为不断地圆谎，此举动会让人心力交瘁。
依然是一个人，没有伴侣也没有孩子。学会孤单但不孤独，即使孤独也不寂寞。继续好好生活，固然没有另一半，我仍然是完整的一个人。
说说约会吧。本人尝试过网上约会，付了大约九百多令吉的费用。当时的我真的以为透过这网上约会能够遇见另一半。那机构给予自己一年至少十次的约会，若过了一年无法获得十次约会的话，那么会员资格将获延长一年。
结果如何？一年过去了，才有几次的约会。获得延长一年，一直到期限只有九次约会。鼓励我参加此约会的朋友，不到一年就约会了十多次，而他也成功找到了女朋友。确实不想随随便便寻找另一半，纵然自己有精神问题。曾经遇到一位女生，似乎将成功，但我勇敢告诉了她我的精神状况。她很楞然我的诚实，却在夜晚各自回到家后来电告诉我，她只希望跟我保持普通朋友的关系。
其实这打击是挺大的，相信有许多女生都会跟她做相同的抉择。如果那些女生们在浏览我的资料时，那里明确表明此人患有躁郁症，深信过了两年后却没有女生愿意与我见面吧。许多人劝我尝试隐瞒，可是能够隐瞒多久呢？怎么解释为何每晚那么早入眠？怎么解释为何有硕士学位却只是位普通的工程师？怎么解释为何滴酒不沾？怎么解释偶尔的长期情绪沮丧而需要更多的清静空间？不喜欢说谎，因为不断地圆谎，此举动会让人心力交瘁。
依然是一个人，没有伴侣也没有孩子。学会孤单但不孤独，即使孤独也不寂寞。继续好好生活，固然没有另一半，我仍然是完整的一个人。
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
2020-01-22
It's really hard to write blog on daily basis but it's quite easy to manage by writing blog monthly. So, I'll try to write something here every single month.
Nothing much changes recently. Life becomes quite stable under medication for more than 2 years. Hence, boredom becomes a new challenge so far. Nevertheless, by having a good routine of exercise, I would still fall sick when I was having a long depression stage. It's should be a fact that our immune system is highly related with our moods.
Due to I would become sleepy at night after taking medication, I'd go to bed early at night and wake up early in the morning. If I have to involve in a night sport for example night cycling event, then I would take my medication when I reached home after the event. Of course we should take medication on the same time every day but it's better for me to take it after a sport event to avoid unnecessary accidents.
Dignity is another serious topic. While holding a disability card, how to I sustain my dignity? How could I bear the strange looks by the people when they see I have a disability card? To counteract with it, self acceptance plays a major role. For the majority, it's a shame for them to hold such a card. Even ladies stay away from me when they know I have such a mental illness. It's okay, I don't need people's recognition to survive.
In fact, we are stronger than ordinary people. It's not our choice to have such an illness but we choose to accept it, and live in the world like anybody else. The medication helps us to remain sanity but it's not an ultimate cure. Instead, we need to be strong and brave to face the monster inside and survive in this cruel world.
Yes, we are much stronger! If someone looks down on us, it's a shame for themselves but definitely not us. So, lift up our head and go on.
It's really hard to write blog on daily basis but it's quite easy to manage by writing blog monthly. So, I'll try to write something here every single month.
Nothing much changes recently. Life becomes quite stable under medication for more than 2 years. Hence, boredom becomes a new challenge so far. Nevertheless, by having a good routine of exercise, I would still fall sick when I was having a long depression stage. It's should be a fact that our immune system is highly related with our moods.
Due to I would become sleepy at night after taking medication, I'd go to bed early at night and wake up early in the morning. If I have to involve in a night sport for example night cycling event, then I would take my medication when I reached home after the event. Of course we should take medication on the same time every day but it's better for me to take it after a sport event to avoid unnecessary accidents.
Dignity is another serious topic. While holding a disability card, how to I sustain my dignity? How could I bear the strange looks by the people when they see I have a disability card? To counteract with it, self acceptance plays a major role. For the majority, it's a shame for them to hold such a card. Even ladies stay away from me when they know I have such a mental illness. It's okay, I don't need people's recognition to survive.
In fact, we are stronger than ordinary people. It's not our choice to have such an illness but we choose to accept it, and live in the world like anybody else. The medication helps us to remain sanity but it's not an ultimate cure. Instead, we need to be strong and brave to face the monster inside and survive in this cruel world.
Yes, we are much stronger! If someone looks down on us, it's a shame for themselves but definitely not us. So, lift up our head and go on.
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
2020-01-21
踏入新的一年，即将告别猪年迎来了鼠年。新的一年会更好吗？纵然不会却也如此期待。
曾经亲友们总会唠叨轰炸着我，过后已有很多年不再问我了。或许他们自己都厌烦了吧，每年问同样的问题，让他们都会厌恶自己。很奇怪，到了某个年龄，就好象不想恋爱。这应该是所谓的“心如止水”。
恋爱需要一股冲动。当年龄越长，对爱情渐渐不再渴望，也慢慢失去了冲动。无论如何，即使仍然是孤家寡人，生活一定要好好地过。拥有爱情以及拥有自己的家庭是幸福的，可是他们背后所经历的苦是无法言传的，只有当事者最清楚不过。不必羡慕，也不必对此存有憧憬。
身为精神病患，没有妻子与孩子也是好事。因为没有这方面大得惊人的压力，不必扛起身为丈夫与父亲的责任。若自己发生状况时，不至于成为妻子与孩子们的重担和包袱。当然在目前的单身状况，要好好确保自己安然生活。
要潇洒一些，大声告诉自己：“单身就单身吧，不是世界末日，而地球仍然在转动！”
Friday, December 20, 2019
2019-12-20
It's getting closer and closer towards Christmas, and this is the most wonderful day for me. Although people say that Christmas has been commercialised deeply and losing all the meanings, but for me it's still a day of ultimate love, and the love between family members and friends.
Recently, people keep emphasising the ideology of self love, keep talking about how important it is in order to love yourself. I would like to change a bit with the ideology. For me, I would prefer that all the bipolar people to fully accept ourselves. If we can learn how to love ourselves, it'll be great of course. Look at the suicidal rate, how come the suicidal rate for bipolar people remains number one? It's because of a long lasting severe depression, hopelessness, loneliness, and the sense of not belonging to any groups in the world? I'm not sure about other bipolar people, all these are my own thoughts.
Wholly accept ourselves. Bipolar disorder is part of us but not the full picture. We may feel deeper, sense stronger, analyse things stranger because of it. It's like a knife, and it's up to you to define whether it's a curse or a gift. Anyhow before that, we have to accept that we are holding a knife. Everyone is unique and we are a little more special. Accept it and embrace it into your life. I'm glad that I'm able to sense other people's feelings easily. This is just a minor part of my bipolar disorder.
It's getting closer and closer towards Christmas, and this is the most wonderful day for me. Although people say that Christmas has been commercialised deeply and losing all the meanings, but for me it's still a day of ultimate love, and the love between family members and friends.
Recently, people keep emphasising the ideology of self love, keep talking about how important it is in order to love yourself. I would like to change a bit with the ideology. For me, I would prefer that all the bipolar people to fully accept ourselves. If we can learn how to love ourselves, it'll be great of course. Look at the suicidal rate, how come the suicidal rate for bipolar people remains number one? It's because of a long lasting severe depression, hopelessness, loneliness, and the sense of not belonging to any groups in the world? I'm not sure about other bipolar people, all these are my own thoughts.
Wholly accept ourselves. Bipolar disorder is part of us but not the full picture. We may feel deeper, sense stronger, analyse things stranger because of it. It's like a knife, and it's up to you to define whether it's a curse or a gift. Anyhow before that, we have to accept that we are holding a knife. Everyone is unique and we are a little more special. Accept it and embrace it into your life. I'm glad that I'm able to sense other people's feelings easily. This is just a minor part of my bipolar disorder.
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