2019-01-04


When everything has been settled down, and when my mental health becomes stable for a long time, I have to face the feeling of boredom undoubtedly. Anyway, I will not try to stop my medication whatsoever.


The fact is, my brain cannot function as fast as before, the time when I did not take medication. Another fact is, I always feel a bit tired. Strangely that my psychiatrist told me that this is good for me so that I would not do things wildly. I love to exercise, this side effect slows down my performance but I still keep on exercising. Luckily I'm not an athlete, thus I do not need to worry about my performance. Due to my brain issue, it does effect my ability in learning. Anyhow, I just take more time to learn.


Learn to be a turtle, slow and steady moving forwards. It really needs lots of perseverance but slow to reach the target is always much better than never reach it due to mentally breakdown. As for a love relationship, other people same age with me already got married and with children, it's okay for me because most probably I just have to wait for a little longer. Even if I eventually fail to have a love relationship, it's still fine for me because I have tried.

2019-01-02


本来我想改变这部落格的色彩，还有文章的排列，甚至更换照片等等。后来发现其他的色彩并不好看，也没有其他的照片放在这部落格里。橙色这耀眼的颜色，对我来说代表希望。总觉得人人都需要至少一个盼望，好让我们因着这盼望而顽强地生活。失去了愿望，人就会逐渐变成了没有灵魂的躯体，即是大家所熟悉的丧尸。


我首要的愿望，就是不再遭遇精神崩溃。每一次精神崩溃后，都需要很漫长的时间康复。随着年龄渐长，发现自己已没有太多的时间来浪费。一直以来都很憧憬爱情，但以往无数次精神崩溃的主要原因都是爱情问题。大部分的人士，他们的婚姻都不美满。还有不少人士，他们都忙着处理离婚的手续。更糟糕的数据，就是躁郁症病患者的离婚指数跟自杀比率一样惊人！加上有不少人对精神病人士的误解和歧视，一旦知道对方有这问题就会马上拒绝跟患者成为恋人，根本都还没有机会进入爱情的阶段里。


其次的愿望，希望能找到适合自己的生活模式。看到身旁的朋友和亲戚们，他们成功找到另一半，然后结婚生小孩，组织自己的家庭。毫无疑问，当然会希望能像他们一样。可是如果自己不会有另一半，那么自己一个人要怎么好好继续生活？或许这些日子以来，已慢慢学会孤单一人，领会如何孤单但不寂寞。

2018-12-10


The fact is, we may have a normal life as well as a productive life as others. When I read those blogs from other bipolar bloggers, this is the main message they would like to convey. Yes, this is true but not 100%.


Under medication, we may have a permanent job as others. If we never tell anyone, no one will notice that we are different. However, we cannot be the same as others. The way we think is different, the way we see the world is different, the way we response is also different. If other people get closed to us and try to understand us, they will definitely notice that we are quite special or unique.


Maybe, this is the root cause for my loneliness. I never want to be special, I truly wish I can be like the rest. Due to my uniqueness, most of the people don't want to get closed with me. It's normal that people like to be with someone who is alike with them. If this is true, actually bipolar people should be best friends together. Unfortunately, we are highly sensitive and thus we will be influenced by another bipolar people. Unless both of us are having medication obediently and we know how to manage our moods maturely.


It's OK to be special. It's also OK to be lonely. The main thing is, we need to know how to take care ourselves.

2018-12-10


发现在网络的世界里，有很多病患写的文章比我好太多，以致会觉得我的存在可有可无。是的，当一切平稳后，好像需要把自己重新定义。以前有很多目标，会一直担心时间不够。可是目前并没有任何计划，似乎可以处理好手头上的事物经已足够。


有了这种病，难免遭受旁人的排斥，无论是无理或礼貌的拒绝都一样让我伤心。很想做某样伟大的事情，好让大家可以注意到我，可以获得众人的敬重与接纳。可惜我的智商并非十分优秀，确实无法做出什么惊世之作。后来领悟，其实自己能好好生活，可以表现得如一般人一样已实属难得。是的，一般人认为普普通通的事，我们可以做得到真的很好了。


一定要好好工作，不管情绪怎么样，工作时间都要咬紧牙根撑过去。能有一份工作算是非常幸运，不会去在乎薪金和人事问题，也不会跟随同事们拼命换工作。最重要的，是上司能体谅我的状况，无法像同事们那样长时间工作。感恩公司肯继续雇用像我这样的员工。

2018-08-03

The only side effect of my medication is feeling a bit tired. Actually I was very energetic before taking medication. By having medication, I'm no longer a super human.

This should be the correct mindset, I just want to be a normal guy. Before taking medication, I was in manic state most of the time, super energetic and my mind working extraordinary fast. The problem was, if I faced a problem and I couldn't solve it, I would easily lose my mind. Thus, it is much better for me to slow down.

It's true that I did feel good to stay in manic state. However, it's a disaster once I lose my mind. My relationships had been ruined by my craziness and my career was almost gone. Hence, I'm willing to take my medication and have a normal life.

2018-08-03

以前有个自大的抱负，以为自己可以成为躁郁症病患者的典范，可以通过所写的文章来鼓励其他的病患者。后来在生活里遇到难题，领悟自己也只是普普通通的人，并没有如此大的影响力。

精神状况确实稳定了许久，唯一的副作用就是会觉得少少疲倦。这少许的疲倦，没有在工作方面带来麻烦。反应和脑力会比较缓慢，这都是为了阻止本人不知觉进入狂躁的状态。事实是，狂躁比沮丧可怕。当然，沮丧的状态同样很难挨。但相比之下，狂躁的状态会完全不受控制，什么事都敢做，而这状况真的要不得。

精神科医生告诉我，有点疲倦是好事，才不会任意妄为。以前的精力太旺盛，现在的一点疲倦，让我成为一个正常人。

2018-06-08

It's crucial to have the right medication and family support, so that bipolar disorder patients can have a normal life again. When such an illness strikes you, all your friends will stay away. Most probably, they do not know how to help you.

I have such an illness for so many years. As time goes by, my friends become lesser and lesser. Actually I really want to hang out with them, having good times with friends already became my memories. Once I have such an illness, I felt like being pulled into another world. No matter how well I try to describe such a world to my friends, they can never understand. The main problem is, I cannot return to the ordinary world anymore. Eventually, all of my old friends stay away from me, perhaps they say I am the one who stays away from them.

Even I can stand up again, having a permanent job, and exercise regularly, my perspective can never be the same as the rest of other people. That's the reason why I hardly click with any people. I'm blessed that my parents and siblings are with me no matter what. Bipolar disorder patient is a weirdo in the eyes of the world. How can we stay in harmony with other people? I think, we need respect and acceptance from the world. We never choose to be bipolar disorder patients. We can never prevent our weird actions and thoughts by will.

Everyone, no matter who, once they have been born into this world, they have the right to live. Yes, we have the right to live.