2018-01-30

我今年39岁，却仍然单身。身旁的朋友和同学们，大家几乎都成家了。他们都拥有终身伴侣，当然少不了孩子们。

一旦他们步入婚姻，他们就进入人生另一个阶段。我跟他们在一起，变成了不同世界的人。因此我跟他们近乎没什么联系。幸好有去教会，至少可以认识一些朋友，不然我真的没有朋友。

有这样的病，一般人尽可能都不要跟我接触太多，所以渐渐地习惯独来独往。会寂寞吗？或许我已习惯了寂寞。一个人吃午餐，一个人去健身房，一个人去看电影，一个人去游泳等等。

读书时期，身旁都有朋友。当时的我，很享受跟朋友们一起的感觉。这场病在大学学士学位最后一年发作，彻彻底底把我的未来改变了。八年后再去读硕士，以为可以重新找回自己。可惜再一次精神崩溃，又一次把未来都摧毁。

还有未来吗？明年就步入中年的我还有梦想吗？感恩的是父母和家人都没有离弃我，还有到目前为止都可以有稳定的情绪。

2018-01-24

How to live my life as a bipolar disorder guy without medication? For your information, I had 8 years of experience living with bipolar without medication. How could I do that? Why I failed for doing so?

I had admitted psychiatric ward for 6 times due to manic. As I observe, the reason I became manic was because I eagerly wanted to succeed. I wanted to get my bachelor and master degrees with flying colours, wanted to have successful relationships with my first and second girlfriends, wanted to reach a higher level for my career. All these thoughts had triggered my manic episode.

Thus, I need to learn to let go. I can always do my best, but I can never control the outcome. Yes, I wish everything is in my control. The fact is, I am not God and I cannot control everything. I should stop and look for helps instead of doing all the weird stuff as if I have magic powers. I should remind myself that I am just an ordinary people.

For God's sake, I don't want to live my life with psychiatric medication. Besides having weight gain issue, I don't feel like myself anymore. All the emotions have been flattened, and I feel like a robot.

Anyway, I need to learn some ways to live without medication before I stop it. After Chinese New Year, I will consult another psychiatrist. Hopefully the psychiatrist can teach me what to do.

2018-01-23

非常开心有人看我的部落格，还以为写的东西已经没有人要看了。这匿名的部落格，算是我对躁郁症或双相情感障碍的想法。

精神病药物最令人懊恼的问题就是肥胖。我之前的药物让我的体重从七十多公斤变成八十多公斤。现在去年十月换了药，体重没有继续上升。不过到如今，依然没有办法瘦回七十多公斤。一个礼拜运动三天，所吃的分量也很注意，其实吃得比之前七十多公斤的时候还要少，不过却似乎无法减重。上网查询后，才明白那是因为精神病药物缓慢了体内的新陈代谢。

另一个问题是晕眩，少少头晕，长时间要忍受这不舒服的感觉。不喜欢有这晕眩的感觉，虽然不至于严重得影响驾驶和行动，但是会让心情不好受。往往会以为那是因为身体疲倦，歇了一会儿后头还是会觉得晕。紧接着的问题是思想缓慢，无论面对任何问题都会反应不过来。往往会不知觉愣住，整个脑袋好像很容易就卡住。

如果可以，我想停止服用任何精神病药物。现在学习着对任何事情都不要太介怀，更要学会怎么放手。希望随着年龄的增长，可以领悟更多事情，也可以有智慧去面对我的精神病。

2017-12-27

I went to Cameron Highlands with my parents on Christmas. It was a two days one night trip. We stayed at a hotel at Brinchang and it was hard to find a car park around there.

Nevertheless, the trip was quite enjoyable. Thanks for waze because we may go to wherever we like by using it. And then, I always have to remember to bring along my medication wherever I go. Frankly speaking, I still prefer not to take medication but I have no choice.

There were so many people and cars at Cameron Highlands during holiday season. Thankfully, the weather was perfect during those 2 days. During those 2 days, the weather was cloudy but not rainy. We went to a number of attractions and took lots of pictures.

While driving back home, I had a conversation with my dad. I asked, how come I could get good results while studying but could not have a good achievement for my career? My dad answered, it is due to my mental health problem and I do not have the ability for improvement. I will do the same thing again and again without thinking for ways to do it better. Sigh...  This is true.

Anyway, my dad advised me to do whatever I can cheerfully. Never compete with other people for a post which I do not have the ability. I'm blessed for having good parents who love me and accept me wholeheartedly.

2017-12-22

冬至到了，放工回家就可以吃汤圆。由于下个星期一是圣诞节，加上星期二和星期三请了假，所以今天根本没有心情工作。

虽然没有清完今年的年假，但是今年已请了三四个月的病假，所以我也不好意思用尽法子清完今年的年假。公司对我非常好，即使病了那么久还是照样发薪水给我，那么就不应该斤斤计较。

今年最感恩的事，就是能保住这份工作。曾经心情低潮长达半年期间，非常想辞去这份工作，然后另外找份比较简单的工作。幸好医生开给我抗忧郁的药，让我重新获得信心面对工作。

心情长期低潮会令人感到万般难受，很多人因为承受不住而自寻死路。当时我很担心会精神崩溃，才哀求父母把我送进医院。那些日子真的不堪回首，欣慰这一切已经过去。

但愿思绪会继续保持平稳，还有一个清晰灵巧的脑袋来学习工作上新的事物。若有机会的话，也希望可以找到一个伴侣。

2017-12-14

All these days I am feeling tired. I don't feel depressed but only tired. Agomelatine that I take every night does boast up my mood. But don't know why I feel tired for the whole day.

Don't like this tired feeling. I suspect at the moment I'm in the state of depression. Agomelatine boasts up my mood but it cannot make me full of energy. Hopefully this kind of tired feeling ends as soon as possible. Christmas is at the corner, and I want to celebrate it cheerfully with my parents.

Everthing will be fine. I have to remind myself about it again and again.

2017-12-09

思绪混乱了很长的时间。去年的十月二十八日精神崩溃，过后今年一月多因举止太不正常而被警察送进医院。在医院住了大约一个月，然后在疗养院呆了两个月，才回到工作岗位。可是情绪一直处于忧郁状况，半年后因害怕情绪会崩溃而再次入院。医生帮我换了药，又开了抗忧郁的药给我。精神状况，算是今年的十月多才稳定下来。

以前的我，总是相信自己不必服药也无所谓。因为这样，必需承担精神崩溃的结果。精神崩溃后，要再次爬起来，真的很辛苦！若不是有疼爱我的家人和朋友们在身旁，要重新站起来的过程会更加艰辛。这一次，我不会停止服药。虽然我还是不情愿服药，但是必需定时服药。

精神崩溃了多少次？算不清了，大约有七八次吧。这一次要好好生活下去，不要让自己再次出问题。一定要振作起来！