2022-08-30

After 40 years old, getting a girlfriend or even a wife becomes merely impossible. Although there are quite a number of guys marry after 40 years old, but it's really rare for guys with mental health issues. My parents still yearn that I would quickly get married and have children. As I become older and older, this is just a mission impossible. 

There are people who choose to be single forever, and they value freedom more than everything. Some people believe they would meet their Mr. Right or Miss Right. Thus, without such a person, they would rather to be single. How they know they have met such a person? How they confirm that someone is the one? If they are with someone already, then the real someone appears, would they separate with the initial one and be with the real someone?  Of course, this is their choice, and I shouldn't comment much. 

For myself, I never look for my Miss Right, just someone whom I love and she loves me back, and we could accept one another weaknesses. Of course, I wish I would have children too. If my partner is unable to give birth to children, or I myself have problems in having children, then I would go adopt some children as our own children. However, if I cannot find a wife, then I would not adopt a kid. 

There would be one day, that I must live by myself alone. It's definitely okay to be alone. I'm learning how to have an abundant life without a girlfriend or wife.   

2022-07-27

最近因为参加公司的会议，有机会跟同事们一起飞往曼谷。四天三夜的公司旅行算是过得愉快。一天的自由活动，原本想跟某些同事们一起度过，却无奈察觉当中有几个同事并不欢迎我。那几个同事在里头是担任领袖的角色，所以决定那一天还是自己独自度过。

是自己过于敏感吗？早餐的时候，大家都会坐在一起。当我询问某个位置是否有人坐时，若他们坦然接受我的加入，应该会不假思索简单回答：“坐下吧！” 可是他们在那里思考着这位置会是某某人坐的，那个位置又是另一个某某人坐的。为了不让他们苦恼，我选了另一张较远的桌子，远离了大家。只是这一次吧。我也这样安慰自己。过后在游艇上的晚餐，我和一位同事在一起。那同事一看到他们，即刻前往那里坐了下来，那最后一个位置，仿佛是特地留给他的。在服务员的协助下，寄人篱下似的坐在一群女同事当中。

有个晚上，乘坐泰国独有的Tuk-Tuk，从餐馆回到了酒店。过程中下了豪雨，我跟一位刚认识的女同事一人湿了一半。她很好聊，我们几乎一路不断地聊。她后来还打听我是否单身，是否有女朋友。后来回到了马来西亚，我拿到了她的电话号码。每次我写讯息给她，她总是有回应。或许是因为女子的矜持，她不会贸贸然写东西给我。由于不喜欢拖拖拉拉，当晚告诉了她我的问题。告诉她我患了基因方面的疾病，需要长期服药来控制情绪。这一次后，她没有回应，顿然杳无音讯。

会失望吗？会的。失败了很多很多次。一方面准备可能要单身一辈子，一方面仍然在心里留下个位子给她。

2022-07-27

For these 2 years of pandemic, some people age quickly but some people stay the same. In majority, people do age faster within these 2 years. And also, due to lockout, lots of people have increased their weights. 

What is time? Does time really exist? This can go deeply. For an easy example, two people with the same age, one must be younger than another one. How come time flows slower on him but faster on her? No one can give us a satisfied answer. It does seems time moves differently on all people.

In this world, we may observe the physical parts. Everything which can be seen, heard, smelt, tasted and sensed. However, we should never forget there is another part inside us. The part we may simply ignore but actually it's more important than the physical world. Please do not get me wrong, I never mean the spiritual world. 

What do I mean is the world inside of us, the world formed in us and affects how we see the world. Either a glass is half full or half empty is defined by the world inside us. Yes, I'm talking about perspective. Of course, we should never give up in shaping a better world. When we feel tired, and want to rest for a while, then we must have a much better internal world. 

In a fast moving external world, we may keep on chasing, always reach higher and higher. There must be time that we want to slow down or totally stop for a while. During such a moment, we may rest without feeling guilty. 

Does this relevant to bipolar disorder? Yes, it is. As for me, I did feel guilty whenever I must take a rest. Bipolar disorder people are hardworking people who never want to stop. 

2022-06-30

生活难免会遇见许多困难，一大堆解决不完的问题，仿佛怎么尽力都做不好的事。很沮丧，很无奈，也很无助。

想要有人帮助，但似乎没有人可以帮忙。在人生的道路上，总需要由自己去面对。无论怎么不愿意，还是要自己独自去面对。可是，真的没有法子，该怎么办？

我常常都陷入困境里，很多很多绞尽脑汁都无法胜任的事物。不断告诉自己，尽力就好，尽了力就好。若最终失败了，告诉自己，“你已经尽力了。”

重要的是，生活没有遗憾。既然尽了全力，纵然满盘皆输，却没有白活。

2022-06-28

It's time to write a blog for this. It's really tiring to work and study at the same time. Of course, I prefer study than work, but I need to work for surviving. Thus, working full-time and studying part-time is my only choice. 

Hardworking can always make things better. However, it can never bring me towards perfect. I may exercise regularly, eat healthily, study the best I could, but all these will never make me a perfect guy. Used to be a perfectionist till I'd diagnosed of having such a mental illness. Tried to deny such a fact, and assumed I was totally fine without medication. After that, I experienced more damages. 

Hence, it's a definite no for being a perfectionist. But hey, life is much better without striving for perfection! How come? Perfection is a high standard, and no one knows how high it can go. We could never reach it because no matter how good we have done, we would think that we could do it slightly better. That's too pathetic. 

Without perfection, I just stop doing something when feeling that I want to take a break. While reading, simply lie down and rest when the head is going numb. Keep reminding myself that I can never understand every single thing. In fact, try to understand as much as possible. Whatever the results, accept it without self cricticising.  

Yes, we have done our best, and it's really more than enough. Even if we never really try our best, as long as we have tried, all the little efforts are still precious. 

2022-05-27

在忙碌中觉得心力交瘁，似乎怎么努力都无法完成。会寻求帮助，但并非人人都愿意提供协助。通常在这样的情况，都会选择把东西都放下，让脑袋与心灵都可以喘口气。

东西没有完成，并非什么严重的事。只要尽了力，依然没有办法解决的话，怎么办？没有关系，我们还有明天。如果自己怎么努力都徒然，甚至寻求不到帮助，又怎么办？那么会尝试找其他人的援助，只要还未到期限，千万不可放弃。倘若期限到了，仍然无法解决？这个时候，就要学习怎么放手。

坚持不容易，可是放手比坚持更加困难！暂时歇息并非放弃，但到了第二天必须重新继续尝试。在尝试所有的方案之前，尤其是在期限之前，我们不可以贸贸然就放弃。无论看起来、听起来、感觉起来自己都必定失败，在结果出来之前，我们都必须坚持下去。

放弃很简单，很多人还没有尽全力的时候，往往会出现放弃的念头。硬着头皮去尝试，还会有成功的机会。放弃的话，肯定马上失败。还有寻求帮助的时候，不得不厚着脸皮。祈求到对方肯帮助你为止，那脸皮确实要很厚很厚。

最后就是放手。放手不是放弃，虽然这两个词汇似乎同义。有些东西是必需放手的，无论如何都无法成功，而最明显的例子既是爱情。假如有个女生告诉你，她对你没有感觉，她只想你做她的朋友。这是死刑，她判了你死刑。这时候，我们都需要学会放手。

2022-05-26

Do I care that no one reading my blog? Do I care maybe I have to stay single for the rest of my life? Do I care whether I could be part of the society? Yes, I did care much for all these. How about now? Still a bit care about these but not so much anymore. 

What's the root cause for this change? Getting more matured? Perhaps. By being much elder each day, there would be more responsibilities on our shoulders. If we have to care so much, then it would impossible for us to move on.  How we see ourselves is always more important than how others see us. Of course, we should listen to people, but obviously not everyone, especially never listen to those who never care about you. 

Please do value all the advice from those who love and care about you. Try our best to be a better people according to their standard. At the same time, please do remember to voice up your opinions and thoughts. No one could read our minds. Thus, never expect people to understand us without saying a word. It sounds tough but actually it can be pretty simple. 

We do not need to mention about our mental illness condition again and again. We do not have to explain all the ups and downs inside us numerous times. And also, please never expect people to understand what is bipolar disorder. For our conversation, simply say something like, "I feel tired today for all these assignments." or "This song is gorgeous, do you like it too?" 

Surely, if someone who wants to know about your mental health condition, just share with him or her freely. However, please do stop and monitor people's face expression from time to time. When there are more and more question marks on people's face, then it's time for you to stop and smile.