2021-01-13

在2020年的最后一天，发生了挺离奇的意外。由于快步行走，不小心踢到在停车位伫立的铁柱子。隐约听到低沉的钟声，同时被反弹的震撼弄得有些晕眩 ，过后坐大腿像被电击，左脚顿时失去站稳的能力，身体立即不受控制向前倒下。

我已跌倒无数次，身体在潜意识里也懂得怎么跌，才会让身体承受最低的伤害。向前倒下，身体却会及时把重心摆向右大腿，让右大腿到膝盖旁上方的部位承受倒下的撞击。这部分撞伤后，让背后可以缓缓躺在地上。就是说，这件意外发生后，我是平躺在地上，而面向夜空。刚开始，会以为只是扭伤了筋，却不知道左腿大骨已经断开。事发后不久，有两名印度同胞把我扶起来坐在地上，但那剧烈的疼痛让我迅速躺下。我打电话跟妈妈求救，后来被家人送入医院。

起初是送进了政府医院，因为有残障卡，住院与动手术都全免。可惜因为疫情严重，医院没有医生可以及时帮我动手术，才转入专科医院。安排到我在一月四日动手术，而这已经是最快了。在政府医院照X光，已痛得死去活来。后来他们说X光照得不清楚，必须照多一次，再次令我痛彻心扉。在病床上，只要稍微姿势不对，即会承受撕裂剧痛。这样承受如此般剧痛两天后，剩下的几天都已不须服用止痛药，因已经懂得怎么避免疼痛，还有也习惯那长时间的疼痛。

一月四日（星期一）进行手术。因长期服用锂，不能像其他人那样全身麻醉，麻醉师会担心我一旦被麻醉了会很难醒来。麻醉师为我进行了很复杂的局部麻醉，左脚24个小时，右脚6个小时，从背后脊椎那里注射麻醉以让下半身麻醉6个小时，至于上半身只是在手术时沉睡而手术后可以很快醒过来。麻醉师如此详细说明，过后我也确实如他所说的这样全部惊人般实现。加上是左大腿骨，开刀前还要摆个很高难度的姿势。侧睡在手术台上，整个左脚朝上，双手交叉与胸前，背后朝向一方，胸前朝向另一方，并非如一般人那样平躺。

手术顺利进行了，也在医院静养几天。手术后第二天即做了物理治疗，还学习怎么使用拐杖。根据物理治疗师的说法，要每日三次做某些物理治疗的动作，好让自己能尽快康复。一月八日出院了，目前在家里静养。

 2020-12-17

It's ironic that we accept the concept which emphasises "everyone is unique" but we all tend to follow the so called 'universal standard'. Surely it's unavoidable to compare ourselves with someone else. As a result, it always seems we are much worse than almost everyone. 

Besides, we already learned that comparison is the thief of joy but we still keep comparing. Why must we do all sorts of things to feel worse and worse? Not only for mental illness people, even for the majority also would fall into the same trap. They keep saying that happiness is very important but keep doing things which make them feel terribly depressed. Why? Most probably being the best in every aspect is the root cause of happiness for such people. The cruel fact is, who could really be the best? 

Please stop compare with people. Human beings are imperfect, and hence never ever tend to be perfect. And also, imperfection is the true perfect. A good example is, if a pianist play a piano piece with all the notes 100% correct and timing 100% correct and all the expressions 100% correct, the piano piece is not perfect at the end. Why so? Who wants to listen to a piano piece which sounds 100% robotic?! In brief, 100% perfect is 100% NOT perfect at all!

I accept myself to be truly imperfect, having such a mental illness gave me a dead sentence to be a perfectionist. However, it also saves me from being a perfectionist, it gives me freedom for NOT being a perfectionist. I used to be a perfectionist, and wanted everything to be 100% perfect. At the same, I was suffering hard for having such a thought. 

And now, I have a different standard than other people, never compare with the people but myself only. It's really great to compete and be better than my old self in the past!

 2020-12-16

这些日子都活在痛苦里，相信这不舒服的感觉会一直持续到圣诞节前几天才结束。运动可以有效地除去这痛苦的滋味，导致我几乎天天运动。可是有时候，那疼痛感会突然加剧，会痛到头皮麻痹，加上胸口会有沉重的压抑感。

会过去的，我不断地安慰自己。可以习惯这痛楚吗？至少一年重复两次，每次都长达几个星期。这苦楚并不定时，大约是四月某日和十二月某日。记得自己崩溃时，大量吸着烟和喝了许多啤酒，似乎努力地麻醉自己。当时除了感到浓浓的不安全感，还有内心极度的澎湃情绪之外，由于一直无法安眠，才大量用酒精和烟瘾来治愈就快崩裂的头。

难怪我要用相同的方法来消除疼痛吗？酒精与药物相冲，当我决定长期服用药物后就几乎滴酒不沾。吸烟呢？我确实尝试了，算是有效暂时消除疼痛，可是过后会更加疼痛。或许抽烟治愈痛楚相等于服用安眠药来对付失眠吧。曾经在精神崩溃康复后，在某一段时间服用着安眠药，好让自己能好好入睡。肯定可以好好入睡，但是睡醒了会觉得好困，无法在早晨时精神焕发。

简言之，服用安眠药和抽烟是不自然疗愈方式，其效果肯定不佳，还会对身体造成伤害。到目前为止，只发现运动和音乐是自然疗愈法。运动时释放的多巴胺，确实可以有效消除痛楚。抒情音乐，可以缓和以及平复情绪。这时候精神状况不好，很容易打盹，所以必需多多歇息。

 2020-11-24

About disclose, it's quite an important topic for mental illness people. When should we disclose it? How we disclose it? Should we really want or have to disclose it to someone?

It's terribly addictive to share whatever we have to people. It does feel good when we share it but never satisfy. It's like we were trying to scratch our itchy part and always fail scratching at the right spot. Most of the times we might feel frustrated how come other people hardly or never understand us. Some people did their very best in understanding us, we gratefully knew it but sigh... Ya, you know what I mean, it seemed they couldn't help much. 

Actually it's fine, we should never ever expect someone really understands us. It really not a necessity anyway. To be honest, do you really fully understand yourself? Do you really know what you really want? Do you have all your plans clearly stated and know your ultimate targets? I don't know. Really, I don't really know all these. It's doesn't matter! 

So. what is the most important thing for us? A sound mind. We must make sure that we are having a sound mind. We are not super humans, not demi gods, and never super-human. Besides, we are not rubbish, not useless ones, and never redundant human beings. Stop going to the extreme from one end to the other end and keep having a sound mind. 

Back to the topic today. As for myself, I'd stop sharing my illness problems to anyone. No more! Whatsoever, if it's really necessary, then I might disclose it but not simply share it anymore.   

 2020-11-23

身为精神病患者，会不知觉渴望有双肯聆听的耳朵。当遇见某个比较谈得来的朋友，即会向某人透露自己的病情。其实这作为是极度不可取的，因为聆听是一回事，拥有高强的同理心又是另一回事。毕竟许许多多的人都不具备所谓高强的同理能力，而这样贸贸然向某人倾诉，只会让自己受到不必要的伤害。

难道是他或她故意伤害我们吗？当然不！心肠稍微好的人士都很想伸出援手，可惜有能力助之者却微乎其微。盲目找人倾述只是另一种瘾，开始感觉良好但总无法持久。我奢望对方怎么样呢？解决方案是完全徒然的，能找到真正了解我的人也近乎不可能。换言之，难道要全然封闭吗？万万不可！绝对不可以把自己与他人残酷隔离。那么这准绳又怎么拟定呢？老实说，我仍在探索。

他人的体谅比较重要，还是能公正与他人竞争更重要呢？他人的谅解又要达到什么程度呢？与他人有尊严地竞争又怎么达到理想的公正呢？谁有权力拟定，而谁能让大家都遵行响应呢？可惜都没有，让我觉得无助和近乎绝望。无论如何，真正关心我的人是存在的且有不少这样的人士。想说的是，他们很多时候更觉得无助与无奈，不知道可以怎么样好好帮我。一定要好好珍惜与疼爱这些恩人，衷心感谢他们的不离不弃。

仍然觉得非常的不甘心，依然痛恨这摸不着边际的无助与无奈。因着这些人士的爱与关怀，我怎么样都不可以放弃。除此之外，还要好好学习爱自己，宽容自己在此时仍无法找到答案。

 2020-10-16

Before this, I used to think that working from home was great. Of course people might say, working from home is good because no need to trap in a terrible traffic jam anymore, and you can have more freedom without those superiors monitoring you on spot. However, time seems moving much slower. 

No more interact with people physically at work, everything becomes so distant and isolated. I don't like this feeling. Thus, waiting patiently for the moment to work on site again. The Coronavirus pandemic suddenly becomes much worse than before. The fact is, more and more people are suffering. More job losses, and lots of students cannot attend schools and colleges. When will it end?

Although I'm still holding a job and no need to attend college, but under such a gloomy atmosphere makes me feels depressed. I love seeing people living happily and children giggling while playing with their parents. Anyway, during this moment, people are suffering and children are kept inside homes. When will it end?

In such a situation, I could only divert my attention to the nature and animals (birds, fish, insects...). Birds still chirp as normal, fish still swim gently in a pond, and insects still live as usual. Yes, no matter what happens, we still go on as usual. Let me have the peaceful mind as those birds, fish and insects. We all can make it through!   

 2020-10-15

相信2020年最恼人的事件，就是全球都在承受折磨的冠病。这病毒很狡猾，叫人无法掉以轻心，也漫长的让人逐渐失去了耐心。

自从三月底到如今，我都必需居家工作。感觉上，时间好像走得慢一些。少了塞车的时光，多出来的时间可以拿来寂寞。疫情突然严重起来，所谓的标准作业程序（SOP ），又变得更加严格。还要等多久，生活才可以恢复原状呢？

与人相处本来都不是件容易的事，对于拥有精神疾病的我，肯定会比一般人辛苦。当低潮突然侵袭，当浓烈情绪在内心翻腾，当身体对痛苦的感觉大大加强，当光芒变得莫名刺眼，当声音幻化成虫子咬着灵魂，要如何让一切仍然如常进行呢？

跟爸爸的思想对立，而他又喜欢不断想说服我倒向他那一方。要怎么在时候保持冷静，不要再次与爸爸发生不必要的口角呢？妈妈总希望我找到另一半，我又怎么在此时安静，不说任何令她伤心的话呢？好难！是的，真的好难！

这段期间，我依然喜欢运动。早上到体育馆附近跑步，然后到公园散散步。运动对于精神病患者很重要，它确实可以有效地缓和内在的情绪。紧接着就是多休息，因为当身体对一切都那么敏感的时候，一定要多多休息。如果可以的话，尽量少说话，避免不经意说出伤人的话。