2020-08-25

到底这疫情什么时候结束？疫苗什么时候面世？解药灵丹找到了吗？这真的给大家很大的磨练与无期限的折磨。相信这期间，忧郁的人会更加忧郁。我们只好耐心等待，坚守内心那微弱如烛火的期盼。

匆匆地，我们来到了下半年。有很多东西不能做，但也同时做了很多其他的东西。习惯这所谓的新常态，总提醒自己别忘了戴口罩，还要与他人保持适当的距离。什么时候能结束呢？什么时候可以与人靠近谈话？什么时候可以与人握手拥抱？好的，要好好耐心等待吧。

莫名之间，时间多出了许多。多些时间安眠，多些时间运动，也多些时间思考。有不少人都失业，在这段期间都很难再找另一份工作。如果我也失业，我又能做什么呢？是的，失业是非常恐慌的事情。失业与开始新工作，这两项事情都会引爆我的精神状况。不断告诉自己，保持理性是最重要的事。一旦失去了理性，我就变成家人与在乎我的亲友们的包袱。不想也不要再次成为包袱！

所以这期间，纵然无法泡浸在好消息里头，却尽量远离负面的情绪与爱抱怨的人群。事实是，我还无法成为情绪稳如泰山的壮士，且无法撑起他人的伟人。多想多想如此，但本人仍旧需要靠药物来安稳情绪。唉，这就是所谓的爱莫能助。

2020-07-22

"Life is getting better." I truly believe this statement. Fortunately we have memories, no matter good or bad. We did mistakes, this is absolutely normal, but a more important thing about mistakes should be we learned from it and never repeat it. 

When a psychiatrist told me about my mental illness, besides struggling hard to accept the truth, I'd tried all my best in understanding it deeply. Theories are undoubtedly useful, and practical acts are more valuable. For some people, they get better by doing this. And then, for another group of people, they get better by doing that. Who is right? Simple, I took the risks and tried it all. 

A cruel fact is, two people with the same mental illness living in totally two different mazes. Even for psychiatrists, they also apply trial-and-error method in treating their patients. As a mental illness patient, the number one character is never give up. Then, the second character is bravery. We must be brave enough to take all the risks. Moreover, the next one is patience. For some actions, it might take a long time to see the results. In brief, never quit, keep on trying, and having a positive behaviour in accepting all the failures. Of course, it seems so simple in mentioning all these. Whatsoever, I tried and did all these myself.

After I overcame an issue, there would be another issue immediately. Once the issue had been solved, then I'd have another one. If we give up in facing all these obstacles, we would trap in the chaotic mind forever. Last but not least, we must learn how to relax. This is really a long journey, and I'm still on my way, extremely long way in front of me. I'm trying hard to move forward, but I remember to stop and take some rest from time to time. Never ever over do it.     

2020-07-17

不枉此行，这是今天想说的主题。很多人的人生，都极其相似，似乎没有什么精彩的故事可言。相反的，精神病患者的人生却是如此离奇复杂。当然没有人愿意成为精神病患者，而总多的精神病患者也同样希望自己没有这样的精神疾病。

走到这里，有些事是需要接受的，但是那心态并非所谓的“认命”。接受自己和认命在更深层的意义里，是全然不同的两个世界。一个人认命后，往往不会再继续改变现状。另一个人接受自己后，深层了解自己后，会更坚决继续改变现状。简单来说，认命是放弃，而接受自己是坦然坚毅奋斗。

由于这是精神疾病，我设法从最深层的心灵角度来面对和解决。无论某人是正面还是负面的，精神病患者绝不可以放弃，怎么样都不要放弃了自己。是的，好像一切都不好。在人群中被他人排挤，在职场上几乎没有发展的机会，在爱情里频频受到重挫，甚至身旁也没有朋友们陪伴等等。要埋怨的话，可以说很多很多。明显的是这些埋怨的话，只会让自己越说越受伤。当然我不会否决，人人都需要好好向某人倾诉倾诉。必须提醒自己，倾诉跟埋怨又是两个不同的世界。

为了什么继续奋战呢？除了家人、关心与爱你的人之外，请为其他仍然在挣扎的精神病患者奋战吧。是的，这过程很苦、很痛、很无助、也很寂寞。但请你继续奋战，请不要放弃！精神病患者尤其是躁郁症病患者要好好生活，让大家努力加油吧。在时辰到的那一刻，我们都能骄傲地告诉自己——不枉此行！

2020-06-22

From Conditional Movement Control Order (cMCO) to Recovery Movement Control Order (rMCO), will it be another type of MCO? Looking at the terrible figures about this pandemic, behind the figures are numerous heartbroken incidents and tears. When will it end? 

By having 2 languages in the same blog, I might be having personality disorder too. Letting both languages flow freely from my brain, from my heart in deep. Words are miracles, it can express the innermost feelings and thoughts. It's really a kind of art. From the existence of words until now, it can be kept for a long long time. To be precise, I'm using my intellectual mind to write, but behind the mind, the great motivation for me to keep writing is my roaring emotional heart. 

Feeling too much, it's hurt, it's really painful, it's like a never ending bleeding heart. People keep talking about positive thinking. Where got so much positive energy, radiance or aura? In fact, the world consists more negative power. Anyhow, we have to resist stubbornly. More stubborn than any material in the world. In mathematics, negative negative become positive. Maybe this is the way to fight against the negative surrounding by using another negative action which is stubbornness.

I believe there is someone else more stubborn than I. Until now, 6 times breakdowns and 6 times recovery experiences, the main character behind should be stubbornness. Yes, I have faith, strongly believe that bipolar disorder people can win in the end. It's suffering greatly, and so many times I prayed to God to take away my life, but after that my battling journey continues. 

2020-06-19

过去的五月很难熬，所以没有心情写部落格。加上曾经抛弃我的干妈突然跟我联络，要果断地做个决定确实不容易。在英国诺丁汉读硕士的时候，第三度陷入精神崩溃。在精神病院住了两个月，出来的时候，精神状况还不理想。当时觉得莫名无助，不断找人来聊天。

那时的我，应该处于非常软弱与无助的时候。若有人在此时叫我去自杀，相信我会遵从并执行。很多事物都不确定，对自己的信心近乎零分。这位干妈跟我聊了几天后，显得厌倦和厌恶，可惜当时的我完全无法察觉。突然在某一天，她写了些讯息给我，主要是告诉我她没有福气做我的干妈，不要再打扰她，也别再称呼她‘干妈’，应该叫她老师，因为她毕竟是我的主日学老师。

在如此无助的时候，还被这老师踹了一脚，真的非常痛苦。过了好多年，都不再联络这老师了。她突然间联络我，让我顿时措手不及。事实是，我真的真的很想原谅她，跟她聊了几天。后来发现她身为中医，对精神疾病却不清不楚，还主观认为精神病患者是因为思想不成熟才会有此问题。我指正她这观念不正确，但没有长篇大论或说辞犀利。后来做了决定，不想成为她的负担，才告诉她，既然选择了离开就不要再回头。

过了两个星期，她不再写东西给我了，相信她以后也不会。是的，在这世上，有很多很多人会因为我这问题而离开我。没关系的，真的没有关系。只要有几个人好好爱我就已足够，若没有的话，自己一定要好好爱自己。精神病患者也是有尊严的，不需乞求他人的怜爱而失去了尊严。

2020-04-30


During the movement control order in my country, it was quite hard to adapt such a new situation. The main thing should be no more freedom to go to wherever I want to. Of course I never want to go against the new laws and being caught eventually.


Two weeks, and another two weeks, and another two weeks... It can go on and on. Actually the great fear during this moment should be jobless. Many people already got sacked or will be fired. It's really scary for me. It's truly difficult to get a job during this critical moment, and it'll be more terrible for mental illness people.


Asking myself to be calm and relax. Things will be better. This pandemic will surely fade away. And the economy will be much better. Then, everyone can have a good life. All right, thinking in such a way seems too idealistic. Anyway, it's undoubtedly much better than thinking about all the worst scenarios.


The good news is, quite recently, I'm taking one medication only instead of two. No more anti-depressant but mood stabiliser. Used to take Epilim as my mood stabiliser but it made me feeling depressed for such a long time. Taking lithium now and so far it's working fine. For your information, I do need to take blood test every year to make sure that the medication doesn't cause harm to my kidneys.


Hope for all the best in the future and get prepared for all the worst. For the next post, pray that I may write it after movement control order ends.

2020-04-28


在这段时期，由于居住的地方实施了行动管制令，所以几乎什么地方都不能去，感觉上好像突然住在了火星上那小小的玻璃穹顶里。本来是一般的上班族，顿时间变成了在家里工作的百分百宅男。


很想到处走走，也很想参杂在人群里，更想与人相互拥抱！现在政府教育民众必需适应新常态，因为这疫情会持续好一段日子。什么时候会结束呢？疫苗什么时候才会面世呢？当人人都可以恢复自由的状态，相信大家最担心的，就是大裁员的海啸。这段时间，很多很多企业都撑得很痛苦。


回到我这部落格的主题吧，有关精神疾病的课题。从新加坡的连续剧里认识了暴怒症。后来上网查询何为“暴怒症”？其实一看这名字就已一目了然，即是“暴怒”。原来暴怒症并非自成一格的精神疾病，而大家熟悉的忧郁症、躁郁症和精神分裂症都有所谓暴怒的倾向。


身为躁郁症的我，确实必得承认自己有暴怒的倾向。幸好所服用的精神药物，可以好好控制了暴怒的倾向，让自己纵然会生气也不至于过了头。是的，暴怒相等于暴力倾向，有可能伤害别人。可是根据专家们的说法，对于精神疾病人士，我们往往会伤害自己多于伤害他人。说白了，自杀就是对自己最严重的暴力行为。


在这时期生活，精神病患者所承受种种不舒服的感觉，比一般人更加猛烈。好好的休息，好好的工作，好好的运动。深深相信目前的状况只是暂时的，一霎眼就过了。