2020-06-22

From Conditional Movement Control Order (cMCO) to Recovery Movement Control Order (rMCO), will it be another type of MCO? Looking at the terrible figures about this pandemic, behind the figures are numerous heartbroken incidents and tears. When will it end? 

By having 2 languages in the same blog, I might be having personality disorder too. Letting both languages flow freely from my brain, from my heart in deep. Words are miracles, it can express the innermost feelings and thoughts. It's really a kind of art. From the existence of words until now, it can be kept for a long long time. To be precise, I'm using my intellectual mind to write, but behind the mind, the great motivation for me to keep writing is my roaring emotional heart. 

Feeling too much, it's hurt, it's really painful, it's like a never ending bleeding heart. People keep talking about positive thinking. Where got so much positive energy, radiance or aura? In fact, the world consists more negative power. Anyhow, we have to resist stubbornly. More stubborn than any material in the world. In mathematics, negative negative become positive. Maybe this is the way to fight against the negative surrounding by using another negative action which is stubbornness.

I believe there is someone else more stubborn than I. Until now, 6 times breakdowns and 6 times recovery experiences, the main character behind should be stubbornness. Yes, I have faith, strongly believe that bipolar disorder people can win in the end. It's suffering greatly, and so many times I prayed to God to take away my life, but after that my battling journey continues. 

2020-06-19

过去的五月很难熬，所以没有心情写部落格。加上曾经抛弃我的干妈突然跟我联络，要果断地做个决定确实不容易。在英国诺丁汉读硕士的时候，第三度陷入精神崩溃。在精神病院住了两个月，出来的时候，精神状况还不理想。当时觉得莫名无助，不断找人来聊天。

那时的我，应该处于非常软弱与无助的时候。若有人在此时叫我去自杀，相信我会遵从并执行。很多事物都不确定，对自己的信心近乎零分。这位干妈跟我聊了几天后，显得厌倦和厌恶，可惜当时的我完全无法察觉。突然在某一天，她写了些讯息给我，主要是告诉我她没有福气做我的干妈，不要再打扰她，也别再称呼她‘干妈’，应该叫她老师，因为她毕竟是我的主日学老师。

在如此无助的时候，还被这老师踹了一脚，真的非常痛苦。过了好多年，都不再联络这老师了。她突然间联络我，让我顿时措手不及。事实是，我真的真的很想原谅她，跟她聊了几天。后来发现她身为中医，对精神疾病却不清不楚，还主观认为精神病患者是因为思想不成熟才会有此问题。我指正她这观念不正确，但没有长篇大论或说辞犀利。后来做了决定，不想成为她的负担，才告诉她，既然选择了离开就不要再回头。

过了两个星期，她不再写东西给我了，相信她以后也不会。是的，在这世上，有很多很多人会因为我这问题而离开我。没关系的，真的没有关系。只要有几个人好好爱我就已足够，若没有的话，自己一定要好好爱自己。精神病患者也是有尊严的，不需乞求他人的怜爱而失去了尊严。

2020-04-30


During the movement control order in my country, it was quite hard to adapt such a new situation. The main thing should be no more freedom to go to wherever I want to. Of course I never want to go against the new laws and being caught eventually.


Two weeks, and another two weeks, and another two weeks... It can go on and on. Actually the great fear during this moment should be jobless. Many people already got sacked or will be fired. It's really scary for me. It's truly difficult to get a job during this critical moment, and it'll be more terrible for mental illness people.


Asking myself to be calm and relax. Things will be better. This pandemic will surely fade away. And the economy will be much better. Then, everyone can have a good life. All right, thinking in such a way seems too idealistic. Anyway, it's undoubtedly much better than thinking about all the worst scenarios.


The good news is, quite recently, I'm taking one medication only instead of two. No more anti-depressant but mood stabiliser. Used to take Epilim as my mood stabiliser but it made me feeling depressed for such a long time. Taking lithium now and so far it's working fine. For your information, I do need to take blood test every year to make sure that the medication doesn't cause harm to my kidneys.


Hope for all the best in the future and get prepared for all the worst. For the next post, pray that I may write it after movement control order ends.

2020-04-28


在这段时期，由于居住的地方实施了行动管制令，所以几乎什么地方都不能去，感觉上好像突然住在了火星上那小小的玻璃穹顶里。本来是一般的上班族，顿时间变成了在家里工作的百分百宅男。


很想到处走走，也很想参杂在人群里，更想与人相互拥抱！现在政府教育民众必需适应新常态，因为这疫情会持续好一段日子。什么时候会结束呢？疫苗什么时候才会面世呢？当人人都可以恢复自由的状态，相信大家最担心的，就是大裁员的海啸。这段时间，很多很多企业都撑得很痛苦。


回到我这部落格的主题吧，有关精神疾病的课题。从新加坡的连续剧里认识了暴怒症。后来上网查询何为“暴怒症”？其实一看这名字就已一目了然，即是“暴怒”。原来暴怒症并非自成一格的精神疾病，而大家熟悉的忧郁症、躁郁症和精神分裂症都有所谓暴怒的倾向。


身为躁郁症的我，确实必得承认自己有暴怒的倾向。幸好所服用的精神药物，可以好好控制了暴怒的倾向，让自己纵然会生气也不至于过了头。是的，暴怒相等于暴力倾向，有可能伤害别人。可是根据专家们的说法，对于精神疾病人士，我们往往会伤害自己多于伤害他人。说白了，自杀就是对自己最严重的暴力行为。


在这时期生活，精神病患者所承受种种不舒服的感觉，比一般人更加猛烈。好好的休息，好好的工作，好好的运动。深深相信目前的状况只是暂时的，一霎眼就过了。

2020-03-09


About twice a year, one time before Christmas and another time before Easter Day, I have to suffer depression state or most probably mixed state for almost a month. I hardly differentiate depression state and mixed state because I cannot say that I'm at a low mood for such a long time. In fact, I'm suffering quite bad emotionally for such a long time.


Interestingly, I can still perform daily routine as if I'm totally OK. Moreover, I can still participate in any sport events for example triathlon and completed it with a better result than last year. Anyway, I'm bleeding inside, bleeding emotionally and mentally. It makes me feeling irritated and uncontrollably easily getting angry and fall into unnecessary quarrels. This is the main reason why I must restrain myself from involving into all the unnecessary social events right now.


Must be really careful not to trigger myself into a chaotic mind. That's why I think most probably I'm experiencing a mixed state now. It's much easier for me to tackle depression and manic states but it's really hard to handle a mixed state. In brief, it's really uncomfortable and I have no idea how to ease the pains.


Be still, be calm. It'll eventually cease. I repeat all the words again and again to myself.

2020-03-06


当年龄渐长后，发现很多事情都已无法回头，唯有继续走下去，见一步走一步。曾经错过了吗？没有珍惜吗？那段凌乱的过去，我又能怎么做最理性和正确的决定？不能怪自己，我怎么能怪自己？


走得渐渐清晰的时候，豁相然发现身边的人都不一样，身处同一个世界，却处于不同的空间。会孤单吗？会寂寞吗？这问题都全然失去了意义。肯定孤单的，也肯定会寂寞。目前的情况是，我很容易了解他人，也很容易进入他人的世界里。可是一直到现在，似乎没有成功进入我的世界。尽力过好好说明一切，用对方能理解的言词，却怎么做都已失败收场。门敞开了，大大敞开了，没有人进来，根本都进不来。


看来只好这样下去，毕竟没有了解我并不会断送性命。没有关系的，怪只怪自己的思绪太杂乱，也因此当初会不断陷入崩溃状况。这样复杂的思绪，仿佛要到某个年龄才可以驾驭。若是这样，年龄渐长是个好事。

2020-02-06


After a long holiday for Chinese New Year, I have to return to my routine life again. Of course I don't dare to be a driver for my family members, driving here and there for long hours. During the celebration, I got to bed a bit later than normal and awake a bit later than normal as well. After that, I have to force myself back to the routine sleeping time again.


Due to my mental illness issue, the job responsibilities arranged by my manager are quite simple and light. In another way, I can say that my job is quite bored. Anyhow I understood this should be the best arrangement, and I need to have a stable career to survive. I'll give quite a huge amount of money to my parents, and my father will keep a portion and save the money for me, and the rest of it is my responsible to support my family's financial status.


Yes, mental illness people are necessary to bear our own responsibilities. It doesn't mean we may escape from all the responsibilities once we have a mental illness. Without all these responsibilities, we will definitely lose one of the great reasons to live. It's really satisfying that you may able to work and also the ability to support your own family.


I can't deny that my job is bored. I also cannot deny that my stable life after medication is also bored. Realise that get used to a boring life is a sign of maturity. When getting elder and elder, I yearn to be a real man.