2019-09-23


对不起，那么迟才写这篇信息。之前都一直在处理着内心种种的繁杂思绪，好像怎么尽力都在原地打转，但是那份坚持还是值得鼓舞。


是的，坚持很重要，那种单纯的坚持，那种不变的赤子之心。一切看来都稳定了，而接下来就是往前移动。错过了很多时间，也错过了不少人和事物。人群来来往往的，一会儿在身边，一霎时又不知道去了何处。很想抓牢，抓住每一份美好的时光，幼稚地以为一切始终如一。结果是，没有任何人和事物可以抓牢，匆匆地消失在时间的洪流里。闭上眼，给予深深的祝福，祈求他们都过得很好。


除了坚持，放手也同样重要，好让内心不会太拥挤。尽了力，仍然失败的，要学会释怀。这么做不是放弃，而是懂得释怀自己。所有的挫败，不美好的回忆，破裂的人际关系，这一切一切都要学会放手。没有人是完美的，更何况拥有永久精神问题的我，必需学会原谅他人。


坚持和放手，这两个理念犹如火和水。该坚持的时候坚持；该放手的时候放手。怎么拿捏？怎么抉择？对于这方面，确实需要很大的智慧。简单来说，先坚持做好一切，但当事物已不在自己能力范围之内的时候，我们就要学会把它放下。这些想法是我最近的领悟。

2019-07-16


It's not easy to be a human being, and it's definitely harder to be a people with bipolar disorder. We look perfectly normal outside but we are struggling terribly with our moods inside.


People might think, as long as we are on medication obediently, then we would be fine and have a normal life as others. Yes, this sounds really good and I cannot say no. The fact is, sometimes, I'm still struggling with roaring moods inside. At the moment, I'm fighting with a long lasting depressed mood. Emotionally exhausted all the time, and I really hope that there is an off button on me so that I can press the button and turn myself off entirely.


It's ridiculously painful inside and I have no ways to ease the pain. The painful feeling remains for a long time days and nights. No way to run, no way to escape. Perseverance, yes, practising perseverance during this terrible moment. Negative thoughts will always be with me, doing their best to destroy my believes. Believe I can have a fruitful life, believe I can have a cheerful life, believe I can do great things...... All these believes would be vanished into the thin air.


How to go through? How to survive? Sadly, I have no idea, I have no solution. I only know one thing, I must go on. Yes, this is the only thing I know. No matter what, no matter how, I must go on!

2019-07-15


心情很糟，也很失落，不想向任何人宣泄，唯有把思绪写在这里。


其实我真的想要活得积极和正面，渴望把好的信息和能量散发出去，可是却被困在情绪混乱的死局里。定时服药、早睡早起、多多运动、控制饮食、尽力工作、参与人群……怎么好像都不够？


会觉得不舒服，感到不自觉地疲惫，当然还有那恼人与难以形容精神上的疼痛。如果我不说，没有人会察觉，因为外在保持得如此正常。没有意思要假装，只是希望每天的规律作息可以继续下去。


哭？没有哭泣的对象。诉苦？没有人会理解。看医生？我不想增加药量。唯一的出路，是一步一步慢慢走。心里默默地相信，这一切将会过去，纵然目前看来几乎不太可能。


在脸书上看到他人成双成对到结婚生子，心里肯定非常羡慕，给予祝福后不敢对此有一丝的奢望。是的，我比不上这些人士，近乎没有可能获得幸福。没关系的，至少我努力地活着。

2019-01-04


When everything has been settled down, and when my mental health becomes stable for a long time, I have to face the feeling of boredom undoubtedly. Anyway, I will not try to stop my medication whatsoever.


The fact is, my brain cannot function as fast as before, the time when I did not take medication. Another fact is, I always feel a bit tired. Strangely that my psychiatrist told me that this is good for me so that I would not do things wildly. I love to exercise, this side effect slows down my performance but I still keep on exercising. Luckily I'm not an athlete, thus I do not need to worry about my performance. Due to my brain issue, it does effect my ability in learning. Anyhow, I just take more time to learn.


Learn to be a turtle, slow and steady moving forwards. It really needs lots of perseverance but slow to reach the target is always much better than never reach it due to mentally breakdown. As for a love relationship, other people same age with me already got married and with children, it's okay for me because most probably I just have to wait for a little longer. Even if I eventually fail to have a love relationship, it's still fine for me because I have tried.

2019-01-02


本来我想改变这部落格的色彩，还有文章的排列，甚至更换照片等等。后来发现其他的色彩并不好看，也没有其他的照片放在这部落格里。橙色这耀眼的颜色，对我来说代表希望。总觉得人人都需要至少一个盼望，好让我们因着这盼望而顽强地生活。失去了愿望，人就会逐渐变成了没有灵魂的躯体，即是大家所熟悉的丧尸。


我首要的愿望，就是不再遭遇精神崩溃。每一次精神崩溃后，都需要很漫长的时间康复。随着年龄渐长，发现自己已没有太多的时间来浪费。一直以来都很憧憬爱情，但以往无数次精神崩溃的主要原因都是爱情问题。大部分的人士，他们的婚姻都不美满。还有不少人士，他们都忙着处理离婚的手续。更糟糕的数据，就是躁郁症病患者的离婚指数跟自杀比率一样惊人！加上有不少人对精神病人士的误解和歧视，一旦知道对方有这问题就会马上拒绝跟患者成为恋人，根本都还没有机会进入爱情的阶段里。


其次的愿望，希望能找到适合自己的生活模式。看到身旁的朋友和亲戚们，他们成功找到另一半，然后结婚生小孩，组织自己的家庭。毫无疑问，当然会希望能像他们一样。可是如果自己不会有另一半，那么自己一个人要怎么好好继续生活？或许这些日子以来，已慢慢学会孤单一人，领会如何孤单但不寂寞。

2018-12-10


The fact is, we may have a normal life as well as a productive life as others. When I read those blogs from other bipolar bloggers, this is the main message they would like to convey. Yes, this is true but not 100%.


Under medication, we may have a permanent job as others. If we never tell anyone, no one will notice that we are different. However, we cannot be the same as others. The way we think is different, the way we see the world is different, the way we response is also different. If other people get closed to us and try to understand us, they will definitely notice that we are quite special or unique.


Maybe, this is the root cause for my loneliness. I never want to be special, I truly wish I can be like the rest. Due to my uniqueness, most of the people don't want to get closed with me. It's normal that people like to be with someone who is alike with them. If this is true, actually bipolar people should be best friends together. Unfortunately, we are highly sensitive and thus we will be influenced by another bipolar people. Unless both of us are having medication obediently and we know how to manage our moods maturely.


It's OK to be special. It's also OK to be lonely. The main thing is, we need to know how to take care ourselves.

2018-12-10


发现在网络的世界里，有很多病患写的文章比我好太多，以致会觉得我的存在可有可无。是的，当一切平稳后，好像需要把自己重新定义。以前有很多目标，会一直担心时间不够。可是目前并没有任何计划，似乎可以处理好手头上的事物经已足够。


有了这种病，难免遭受旁人的排斥，无论是无理或礼貌的拒绝都一样让我伤心。很想做某样伟大的事情，好让大家可以注意到我，可以获得众人的敬重与接纳。可惜我的智商并非十分优秀，确实无法做出什么惊世之作。后来领悟，其实自己能好好生活，可以表现得如一般人一样已实属难得。是的，一般人认为普普通通的事，我们可以做得到真的很好了。


一定要好好工作，不管情绪怎么样，工作时间都要咬紧牙根撑过去。能有一份工作算是非常幸运，不会去在乎薪金和人事问题，也不会跟随同事们拼命换工作。最重要的，是上司能体谅我的状况，无法像同事们那样长时间工作。感恩公司肯继续雇用像我这样的员工。