2016-10-06

Love relationship is a painful experience for me. I have no problems to get along with ladies and I can easily have conversation with any of them. As time went by, they would think that I was their Mr. Right and they were nearly willingly accepting me as their lover. However, once they knew my mental health condition, amazingly quick, the next morning, they would try their best to reject me indirectly. This story happened again and again. 

Someone advised me to keep it as a secret forever. How to keep it as a secret? I still have to take daily medication, and I also need to consult my psychiatrist every 3 months. Moreover, I still have lows and highs which make me suffering for numerous times. How could I explain it to her if I keep it as a secret for all these bizarre behaviours? She will soon find it out. No way for me to lie to her. Once she finds it out, the same story happens (being dumped again) whatsoever. 

Of course I wish to be with someone, of course I wanna love someone wholeheartedly, of course I am willing to sacrifice my life for my own little family. Anyway, in their eyes, I must be a weirdo or a psycho. They felt scared and kept away from me. It was all right for me. If anyone feels uncomfortable to be with me, they can always have their own choice to stay far away from me. 

Unfortunately, the acceptance level for the people in the East is much lower than the West. You may realise this if the person got a chance to stay a month in a psychiatric ward in a Western country and another month in a psychiatric ward in an Eastern country. I experienced it and I knew the actual situation. 

Stay strong and tough. This is what I can say. If no one loves you, at least you can love yourself.

2016-10-04

上个星期听到电台的新闻报导，才知道原来三个人里就有一个患上了精神病。这表示精神病已经越来越普及化。虽然如此，众人对精神病患者还保留不友善的观念。如今生活在社会所要承受的压力越来越大，导致很多人都会患上某种程度情绪方面的精神病。

因为这些不友善的想法，让很多人患上了情绪方面的精神病也不愿意去看专科医生，因为他们都认为这是极大的羞辱。在政府医院，各个部门都有很多病患者在那里等待。相比之下，精神科部门那里，等待就医的病患者显得较少。这会给让你错觉，让人觉得精神病患者的数量不多。

我很听话的天天定时服药，也定时复诊。每次复诊时，跟精神科医生之间的说话时间往往不会超过五分钟。三个月才复诊一次，又可以选择星期六，因此不会造成生活上的困扰。三个月见一次医生，医药费方面同样不会造成任何负担。相信是患者自己愿不愿意接受治疗。如果患者愿意接受治疗，要如平常人一样生活并不是难事。

当然还有些状况，事情也并非想象中那么简单。情绪还是会有高亢期和沮丧期，只是因为天天服药的关系，让情绪在某个区域里荡漾。一旦进入了沮丧期，内在还是会感到疼痛和不舒服，可是却还有能力撑下去。这世界没有完美也不可能完美，所以能如此已经了不起。

我相信，精神病患仍然可以拥有一个幸福美满的家庭。学习包容、妥协、忍耐与爱，深信一切的不可能都会变成可能。

2016-09-28

Frankly speaking, it's really pretty hard to major more than one language. English is my second language and I put much efforts in it to write, read and speak fluently. 

When I was 5 years old, my parents put me into a kindergarten. They thought I could learn a new language easily, so they put me in an English class. I was so afraid. I was wondering where were I right now? How come they could say something like that which didn't make any sense at all to me? 

Parents asked me what did I learn every day. As usual, I would answer them "ABC". After a few months, I answered them the same answer and they started feeling worry. Even Chinese is my first language but until 7 years old, I still could not say a complete Chinese sentence. I wanted to express exhaustively but I could not. After that, parents changed me to a Chinese class but I still had problem in learning. 

For your information, the teacher of the Chinese class was my cousin's friend. She told my cousin directly that she disliked me the most among all her students. Until primary one, class teacher also disliked me the most. Why? Most probably they thought I was dirty. My skin was sensitive and mosquitoes liked to bite me. I used to scratched my skin till blood stained on my fingernails. Hence, my father applied a blue iodine (a kind of medicine) over all my body and made me into a blue spots Dalmatian.

My results were poor when I was in primary one. My sister taught me how to study till I got good results when I was in primary two. Whatsoever, I still have difficulties in learning languages. As I could remember, the time which I spent on learning languages was obviously more than learning science subjects. Until today, I'm still learning. 

Learning is a great medicine for my mental health. While feeling uncomfortable, concentrating in learning can easily ease my pains. 

2016-09-26

同一天写两篇的部落格，刚写了英文，现在写着中文。心里有话想说，所以在这平台尽情抒发。以匿名的方式写部落格感觉真的很不错，可以放肆地渲泄内心的思绪又不用担心被旁人指指点点。

人是群体的生命体，大家需要生活在一起，从千古到现今都依然如此。无论是什么样的个性，大家都要彼此仰赖对方。虽然有外向和内向之分，但是没有人可以成为孤岛。生活在大城市里，大家为了生活，为了赚更多的钱而牺牲了很多其他更加宝贵的东西。假如我没有躁郁症，相信我还在努力追求着，要勇往直前努力去闯，争取更高的职位和赚取更多的钱。什么时候才足够？即使是千万富翁，他们会觉得永远都不够。

什么是最宝贵的呢？情。情是最宝贵的，无论是亲情、友情和爱情，它们通通都无价，无比至上珍贵的东西。对我而言，它们比健康重要，当然比金钱、权利和名望都来得更重要。所以我不喜欢虚情假意的人，那些因为某些好处而来献殷勤的人。这些人之中，有很多都是搞直销的，还有不少是卖保险的。我无意去诋毁这些行业，毕竟行行出状元。只不过，我遇到太多这样的人，他们来到你身旁不是真心跟你做朋友，而是想要从你身上得到好处。

由于这躁郁症，让我无法成为富人，到如今仍然是个普普通通的工程师。可是想狂妄大声说：“金钱、权利和名望不算什么！通通都是粪便！” 活在这世上，若有个人会疼爱我，那么就已足够。可以找到一位你爱的，同时他（她）又爱你的人，相信可以死而无憾。可惜要找到这样的人，如在大海捞针般，需要很大很大的运气（有人说，那叫缘分）。

不过，若找不到爱，生活还是要继续过下去。至少要学会爱自己，心里还是要存有盼望，学习如天空中的太阳，让光芒灿烂照耀着周围的人群。

2016-09-26

I think I have found my Miss Right but can I be so sure? She has hearing impairment and she needs hearing aids for listening. Of course I do not mind because I also have another kind of disability. Such a coincidence, we graduated from the same university and I met her because of an alumni gathering of the university. 

We have lots of similarities and I feel some sorts like we are born to be together. The more we talk, the more we are amazed with our similarities. Anyway, I can only be her friend during this moment. Time will tell who am I to her. Time will prove whether I can be her Mr. Right. If we cannot be together, then we can still be good friends. I already do not mind in having another good female friend. 

Love is surely illogical. There are no formulas and no logic senses at all. For whatever we do, as long as we are hardworking, we may get it. Love relationship between two person? No way! Even if you love someone until you sacrifice your life for the person, if he or she has no feelings with you, you will be rejected for eternity. It is like a death sentence in love. However, if we love someone, we have to tell the person because as long as we never voice up, how do we know the result?  

Someone advised me must be perseverance. Anyway, if she really has no feelings with me, why should I try so hard until I make her feels scared and annoyed. From her point of view, most probably she wishes I will get lost as soon as possible. Thus, it would be much better for me to be disappeared from her life. At the same time, I wish her good luck in getting a much better person than I. 

I only wanna love someone, one is good enough. If I can find and be with her, I want to love her forever and ever.      

2016-09-24

真爱存在吗？这世界有所谓的天生一对吗？两个不同的人在一起比较好，还是臭味相投的人在一起更好呢？

年少的时候，容易被爱冲昏了头，会以为某个女生是心中的唯一。结果喜欢某个女生，一直喜欢她长达十二年。后来认为不可能有希望了而放弃。在大学时期，遇到另一位，同样认为她是全世界最好的那一位。可惜后来她结婚了，出席了她的婚礼，而新郎不是我。

过后心想，我应该不会再遇到更好的女生，然后就胡乱谈了几场如“短剧”的恋爱。当时心想，已经到了适婚的年龄，不要太挑，毕竟你严格挑选伴侣，她人也同样苛刻挑选对象。过不了心里那关，因为第一位很好，而在大学遇到的那一位更好！后来跟那些“短剧恋情”的女生们发生些问题，由于并非真正喜欢她们，所以没有继续坚持下去。

本来打算心如止水，不再去尝试喜欢任何女生。去新加坡受训时，还被小姑洗脑，教导我不要太挑，随随便便就可以啦。她鼓励我成家，劝导我不要放弃要结婚的欲望。心想，怎么找呢？女生们都介意我的精神状况吧。这世界很现实，还有现今的世界跟以前似乎全然不同。

她，在吗？她，在哪儿呢？她，能包容我的精神问题吗？她，会不介意吗？她……

2016-09-22

Choice of words is very important. Of course I'm trying my best to convey my message through the most suitable words I may get from my little vocabulary. We may have misunderstandings easily with other people if we talk to each other via emails, SMS, Whats App or whatsoever text applications only.

Undoubtedly, expressions and tonality are more important than choice of words. Thus, to minimise the event of misunderstandings, the best solution is to talk to each other in person. Otherwise, we might get hurt due to unnecessary wrong choice of words. If we must communicate with each other in words only, we cannot be lazy and must write more words. If you write to someone in just a few words, the person most probably would simply interpret it with his or her own feelings in those words. The rate for the wrong feelings is amazingly high.

This is my personal problem. Most of the times, I fall into all sorts of arguments because of misunderstandings with other people's choice of words and myself too. I have to be calm and listen patiently first before I answer the other person with hostile words. The heart to patiently listening no matter under what circumstances. 

Another problem I have is that I would feel irritated easily and start to be furious. Again and again I have to remind myself to listening patiently first before speaking up. It's really a bad habit for keep apology due to the same cause for numerous times.