"28th September 2015"
It's really hard to calm down the roaring mood inside. Try all my best to remain as steady as possible outside but the inside world is totally the other way round.

Exercise is a good way to release negative emotions but it is not the absolute solution. Being patience is my best method so far. Perseverance in suffering the painful feeling inside. For me, this is the worst part for bipolar disorder. When the mood stirs madly internally, the painful feeling can sustain for a long time. Sometimes I feel very painful, and sometimes less painful but the feeling can go on and on for a whole month.

Can't the medication help? Frankly speaking, the medication cannot help much in such a moment. The medication easily numbs my brain but the uncomfortable feeling is still around. I never prefer to rely all on my medication. Thus, I have to train myself to get used to the painful feeling.

After such a training, it helps me much in sports. To swim, cycle and run for a long distance, we have to be perseverance in suffering the physical painful feeling. For comparison, the mental painful feeling is much worse than the physical painful feeling.

I always believe that the painful feeling will eventually fade away. Still believe it deeply.

《二零一五年九月二十七日》
昨天参与公司的康乐活动。共有四组，每组四个人。粉红、橙色、青色和蓝色。我被分配到蓝组。

一直被其他组员挑选成组长，而我却极力退到辅助的角色。参加活动真的只在乎参与，不想承担做组长所要承受那不必要的压力。最后橙色和蓝色两个组合，一起成为了第三名。

从小到大都不是幸运之星，若游戏须要运气，那么一定会输。可惜在现实生活中，许许多多的东西都须要运气。因此在多年以后，已经培养出输得起的精神。

所有人都想成为大赢家，可是赢家只属于少部份。尽管如此，依然要积极参与，好让赢家能赢得更光彩。

输了，没有关系。很多时候，从失败中能学习更多。输得起的心态，应该要大大推广。

"24th September 2015"
Although I feel that I'm an alien among people, but I still try my best mingle with my friends. Actually they knew my condition, they just remind in silence while I say something out of my mind.

Went for cycling and running with another group of friends this morning. Prepared myself for my very first triathlon in October. I've never thought that I would get any prize for the triathlon, only looking forward for the great moment to be part of the race.

When there's no clue for a problem, it's really better find something else to do and keep myself busy. Be alive and kicking!

《二零一五年九月二十三日》
昨天写了两则电邮给讲师，他是我的心灵辅导师，写了很多很多电邮给他。

对于那些往事，它们像困兽紧紧扣住我，无法好好释怀。虽然在思想上做了很多调整，可是心情很难平伏。在临睡前写了第二则电邮后，整晚几乎不能安眠。一入睡即噩梦连连，惊醒了又昏昏欲睡。如此睡睡醒醒熬过了整个夜晚。

要怎么做才能安抚内在动荡的情绪呢？再次陷入了迷思……

"21st September 2015"
Flew to the UK for the second time was because I wanted to fulfill my dream: a reseacher in telco field. My illness has become an obstacle for me to advance for a higher position in service engineering field. Compared with other engineers, I couldn't handle standby tasks and those tasks which were under great stressed.

I never thought that my ability was not as good as other engineers. Hoped desperately to achieve higher despite my mental health issue. Planned to get flying colours for my master degree and got chance to have a part time job so that I could continue my PhD. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a job no matter how hard I tried. As time went by, I was freaked out that I wouldn't get a job and hopeless to proceed my PhD. The stressful feeling accumulated in my heart day by day. Until one day, the feeling erupted as a volcano and I relapsed again.

The breakdown was quite severe and I admitted into a psychiatric ward for 2 months. After discharged, I stopped my medication because I wanted to complete my thesis as soon as possible. I couldn't fly back home and then fly to the UK again to complete my master degree. It was too costly for me to do so. Thanks so much to my tutors in helping me so much to complete the thesis. Nearly wanted to give up but managed to submit the thesis on time and got pass with commendation for my master degree.

Did achieve something but really felt like back to square one. It was tough to fly there for the first time and almost impossible for the second time. Could I fly back to there again for the third time? Frankly speaking, if I can do so one day, it must be a fairly tale. Anyhow, I still wanna achieve higher.

《二零一五年九月二十日》
在脑海里，曾出现许多怪异的想法。曾经的自己，会深信这些想法是对的。首先，最常出现的，是在脑袋里有另一把声音跟自己说话。有时候，那些话很乏味无奇。但有时候，那些话怪异得完全不合逻辑。

令人不解的是，当自己处于精神崩溃的状况之下，脑袋里的这把声音，就会突然间成为了主人，而我会绝对顺服他吩咐的每一样事情。自己仿佛变成了奴隶，无论他叫我做什么，都不会有所质疑还是存有任何抗拒心态。由于无法入眠，加上一直处于高亢的状态，会做出许多古里古怪的事。

后来，被强迫入院，又被强迫打针（因拒绝服药），精神状况才逐渐好转。可是脑袋里的声音还存在，但是尽力尝试不理睬他。日子一天天平凡地过，会发现那声音所说的一切都不会实现。当有勇气的时候，去责问那把声音，却发现里面静若寒蝉。

偶尔他还会说一两句，可是声音非常含糊，可以轻易被忽略。在定时服药一年后，发现那把声音，几乎不存在了。以前脑袋里都充斥着那把声音，如今脑袋里安静得有点不习惯。这是好事，将会慢慢习惯。

"18th September 2015"
Nottingham is a special city for me. It was an amazing place which I could discover myself. Never thought that I would get a scholarship from the Nottingham Trent University to study my final year in an engineering degree course at the university. I got number one in my course for two years and then had the chance to fly to the UK to study my final year in Nottingham.

Everything was going smoothly at the beginning. I fell in love with a girl but she rejected me to be her lover. It was a fact that everyone from my country who could study in the UK was from a wealthy family besides me. It was stressful to count every penny daily to make sure that I wouldn't over spend the little amount of money that I brought there. The reason for her to reject me was because she thought that I was a dull boy having a bored life and only thinking about studies. Of course I couldn't have the lifestyle as the rest and I didn't join them for Europe tour due to insufficient money. Her choice was a guy who was studying PhD as a reseacher.

One night I went into her room and told her that I loved her. She was shocked and told me that she just wanted me to be her friend. I was mad and told her that I didn't want to be her friend. My mood roared crazily in me. After that, I hardly calmed down for a few days and started doing something which was out of my mind. Sent weird text messages to my friends and walked around the city as a living corpse. Later, my friends brought me into a hospital because I was totally insane. This was my very first breakdown.

She didn't dare to visit me while I was in a psychiatric ward. She asked someone else to bring grapes to me because she knew grape was my favourite fruit. My parents flew for a long distance to visit me. NTU generously rented a house for my parents. Before my parents turned up, a lady was taking care of me as her son. The wonderful lady became my god mother.

After discharged from the ward, I talked to her again. Told her that I would like to be her friend. She was glad and smiled like an angel. There were lots of versions for my first relapse. No one really knows which was the true version. I loved her so much and couldn't accept her rejection. It was not her fault and I didn't want her to feel guilty.

Because of her, I looked for helps from my lecturer. He became my mentor until today. Although I couldn't get first class for my degree, ended up to be second lower due to medication that caused my brain not thinking straight and couldn't memorise anything, but I met my dear mentor, dearest god mother and a very good friend in Nottingham. This should be called a blessing in disguise.

《二零一五年九月十七日》
之前在英国诺丁汉读硕士课程，每天都会写一封电邮回家。所以在这部落格，一天写一篇文章，只是一件轻而易举的事。英国的讲师很照顾我，叫我写任何东西给他，让我畅所欲言。因此要写英文文章，也不算太难。

记得有一次心情非常沮丧，在书店里游逛，想要买一本能与心交流的书籍。可是找了很久，到最后却空手而归。怎么如此众多的书籍，却找不到适合自己看的呢？看着那些畅销书籍，没有一本能吸引我的目光。叹了口气，蹲步走出了书店。

有时候陷入混乱的情绪，会感觉自己跟世界格格不入，仿佛自己不应该活在其中。看着其他人，不晓得他们正在烦恼些什么。会羡慕那些所谓的平凡人，羡慕他们可以不必承受精神病患者，那些种种难以启齿的精神困扰。要命的事，是即使说了都解除不了内心的郁闷。

好像当时身处于书店里，尽力想找本适合的书籍，可是每一本的书名，都代表着不同的陌生人。有关躁郁症的书籍并非没有，但是若要从医学的角度看待，感觉莫名苦闷；宗教的角度看待，好像失去说服力；自传的书，只是记载着成功的躁郁症病患者的故事，给予他人假的希望，以为躁郁症病患者都是精英和天才。

我不是天才，也不是精英，甚至不能确定自己已经可以从此好好生活。极大可能在某一天，我会遇到打击而再次精神崩溃。这部落格想呈现的，是一个目前毫不起眼的小伙子，经历着精神病的困扰，对于生活的个人想法。

想要开创一条崭新的路，伫立一个新的典范。知道必定有出路，虽然此时还不能确定。但是这份信念，会一直坚持下去。

"16th September 2015"

There were other wolves in me, gnashing their teeth and tearing me into pieces. Their only purpose was to bring me down. So many of them, and it seemed impossible to win over them. 

Whatsoever, must fight back. Deep down in my heart, there is a white wolf, the good one with an innocent heart. I feed him with whatever I can provide. Telling the white wolf that you must be strong and with great courage. Remember when other furious wolves were trying to kill him, I stayed together with him in a cave. Stayed calm and be perseverance that one day the white wolf may go out of the cave.

One day, the white wolf was strong enough. He came out of the cave and fought violently with the other wolves. All the others were killed but the white one injured badly and needed some times to recover. During the recovery time, some other new bad wolves might come in. Thus, the white one must stay alert that he is still in control.

The white wolf is my true self while the other wolves are all my negative ones. Those wolves are easily growth because the outside world is full of bad influence. In contrast, it is tough to make the white wolf be strong. Just ignore those wolves and feed the white one. Let the white wolf be strong enough and fight over those bad wolves.

It is a fact that my mind was a war zone. It can be a war zone again. Anyhow, it is a must to fight back. In order to survive, I know, I must first encounter the great enemy who is myself. Let the white wolf in control.

《二零一五年九月十五日》
为什么活着？因为心里还有梦，还坚持着心里未完成的梦想。无可否认，心里向往的，会因为躁郁症而遭遇破坏。一次又一次往目标迈进，但一次又一次因精神崩溃而不得不放下所有。

当自己困在不清晰的意识里，即使是简单的任务都显得莫名艰辛。无助的模样，就像个还未懂事的孩子。只想窝在床上，什么都不想做，正确来说是什么都不会做，渴望一觉醒来可以重新获得清醒的脑袋。可是每次苏醒，依然要面对许多艰巨的挑战。为什么会坚持着？因为心里深处还有梦。

不能说自己绝顶聪明又充满智慧，只不过与他人有不一样的思考方式。这些奇特的思考模式的来源，真的跟躁郁症紧密相连。所有的感受都无限量放大，导致对周遭的一切都有很深的体会。这些深刻的体会，会引发脑海里产生自己独有的想法。当不知觉与他人分享时，旁人会惊讶为何内心的世界可以如此多姿多彩。

在这现实世界的舞台上，我们还有继续生活与继续斗争的不同角色。我们不是扮演在世上多余的角色，而是有本事去引领世界迈向更美好的新天地。其实我并不想做个文学家，只想在电讯的领域里发挥所长。想当个研究员，在电讯界贡献所有，盼望所研发的东西能造福人群。

这样的梦在心里，或许只是一个梦，一个遥远得近乎不切实际的梦。但是都是因为这样的梦，让我继续生存着，且努力健康地活着。会尽一切努力，让精神状况能长久安稳下来，好让自己还能实现心里那个未完成的梦。

"14th September 2015"

Daily routine is important for me. Go to bed about the same time each night and wake up about the same time each daty. Time to go to work. Time to have meals. Time to exercise. Of course, time to socialise. It does seem bored that every thing repeats daily. It is necessary that we repeat every single thing until all those things become a habit.

Why so? For the majority, they have no issues to live like that. In comparison, for people with bipolar disorder, sometimes we might overdo due to too energetic; sometimes we might do so little due to fatigue feeling. When we practise our life to be the same almost every day, we may carry on our life despite of mood swinging up and down. To have a normal lifestyle, it is a must that every task can be carried on regardless you are in good mood or bad mood.

For example, when it is time to exercise, it is very easy to do it when I am in good mood. If I am in bad mood, really feel that I just want to lie in bed and forget about everything. Although in such situation, I drag myself to the gym whatsoever. After the workout, I feel fresh and my mood has been lifted up amazingly. Hence, please always think about the end result after you do something instead of caring about your feelings at the moment. For me, I would think that the power of now does not apply on me.

It is your determination to keep on going. We all know life can be good or bad each day. Unfortunately, we have no ability to control the outside world and we cannot even control our feelings. The good point is, we still have the freedom to choose. The freedom to choose a routine lifestyle. More importantly, please do choose that you still want to survive. 

《二零一五年九月十三日》
孤单，是必需学习面对的功课。人人都希望身旁有人陪伴，我当然也如此盼望。问题是，这场病无形当中，把我跟其他人隔离了。起初，或许是我感到自卑，会躲在自己的世界里而不敢去面对人群。可是后来努力接触人群，却发现人群怎么显得如此难以接近。

无论如何，还是不能在意那么多，不能放弃继续努力接触群众。同时更要面对，自己一个人的孤寂。自己一个人，已生活了那么长的时间，说实话，真的非常习惯这样的生活。能够有一份安稳的工作，拥有正常的作息，已属非常不容易。接下来要学习的，就是在拥有伴侣前能一个人好好生活。

或许我会一辈子保持单身，或许会出现理想的伴侣。关于这样的事，我十分不确定。可以肯定的，是目前仍然是一个人，必需快快乐乐一个人生活。不用害怕面对自己，孤单同样的并没有什么值得恐惧。

孤单就孤单，心里的梦想却牢牢紧抓着。相信自己会过得很好，即使是自己一个人，还是持续相信着。

"11th September 2015"

All the experts in mental health emphasise the importance of medication. They advise those who have mental health issue to obediently taking medication for life. I agree that medication should be the first step in curing my mental illness but if anyone thinks just take medication and the illness can be cured is obviously far too optimistic.

Every time I consult my psychiatrist, he only cares that I do take my medication every day and I can have a normal lifestyle as others. The whole consultation normally lasts not more than 15 minutes and I only consult him from monthly to every 2 months till currently every 4 months. From his point of view, I already can have a normal and healthy lifestyle. Moreover for the medication part, my doses have been decreased from 6 Epilims a day to only 1 Epilim per day.

As you can see, it is really not enough if I solely depend on the medication. What's else is important for recovery? The answer is, talk therapy. Remember I did mention in one of my previous posts that you should trust at least someone? There must be at least someone whom you really trust and you know he or she will always listen to you with open arms. Open your heart and talk to him or her about every thing which troubles you.

It's advisable to write what you want to talk in words instead of keep on talking. When you write, you will automatically re-read what you write before you send your message. In comparison, if you just talk about it aloud, you might get lost in your own talk. Hence, it is much better to talk in words.

In summary, besides medication, talk therapy is very important for recovery. Talk therapy does work greatly on me in getting back my sanity.      

《二零一五年九月十日》

经历了一次又一次的精神崩溃，思想也不断地调整过来，仿佛重生了无数次。每一次崩溃，都会重重地摧毁努力建造的思想堡垒。当清醒过来，看看被摧毁的思想堡垒，先了解当中脆弱与不完善的部份后，即再次展开漫长的重建过程。

由于抗压能力不高，所以会避免让自己承担不必要或过重的压力。加上精神因药物而显得散漫，会尽量让精神放松，不要让自己处于过久的精神紧绷状况。微弱的抗压能力和散漫的精神状况，无可否认，在与众人竞争下，是极其吃亏的两大弱点。在这现实的社会里，我这类的人又怎么可以生存呢？

可以经历了这些事却依然可以存活到今天，其实最顽强的武器是——毅力。确实需要智慧来洞悉这周遭的一切，但是若没有了毅力，真的会失去了再站起来的动力。会疲惫吗？很疲惫。会辛苦吗？会呀。想放弃吗？不行，不能放弃。跌倒了再站起来，需要顽强的毅力。

不是在炫耀自己的毅力，没有什么东西可炫耀的，而是想鼓励其他的患者不要轻易放弃。无论如何，你依然可以活到今天，就表示你心里还坚持着，并不想放弃。把内心这股毅力放大，让它足于推动着你，迈向康复的道路。

这股长久磨练的毅力，可以让你在现实生活中继续生存。虽然在很多方面都比不上他人，但是请你坚持到最后。

"9th September 2015"

There are lots of people with this mental health issue refuse to take medication. For them, medication itself is a slow attempt of suicidal action. Every time we take it, it acts as a reminder that we have mental illness problems. Moreover, nausea feeling and weight gain problems are very common. When you search online about medication for mental illness, you would get lots of information about it. Thus, I want to share with you something else.

Until today, I admitted psychiatric ward for 5 times. About a year after my second discharge from the ward, I decided to stop my medication but continued to turn up obediently for my appointments with psychiatrist. Psychiatrist was shocked and warned me about the consequences for no taking medication but he respected my decision. The life without medication continued for 8 years and a psychiatrist even told me maybe I had been fully recovered from this illness. When I heard this news, I was really over excited! Unfortunately, I eventually got another breakdown and admitted psychiatric ward for 2 months.

After discharged from the ward, I decided to stop my medication again. I told my psychiatrist (not the same person) that I could live a normal life without medication for 8 years. He again respected my decision. Sadly, after one year plus, due to break up issue with my ex-girlfriend, I got another relapse. Stayed in the ward for two weeks and then discharged. That time, I still refused to take my medication. Not long after, I admitted the ward again for the fifth time. It was very obvious to me that I must take my medication or else I will return to the ward again.

Why am I keep taking my medication? No choice, I don't want to admit the ward again. If possible, I really wish to stop taking medication. Anyhow, I understood it was pretty hard to get back a normal life after each and every breakdown. Enough is enough.

《二零一五年九月八日》

自我的认知是很重要的一门功课。没有人希望被标签成精神有问题的人，总会设法为自己辩护，想证明自己并没有问题。可是如果继续这样执著下去，只会越陷越深，让问题更加无止境地恶化。逃避问题很简单，但是要面对问题时，确实需要很大的勇气。

很多专家会说，这病就好像血压高，需要每天吃药，才可以把血压控制住，并不是什么大问题。听起来很像很有道理，但事实并非如此。若某人有血压高，他可以很坦然地告诉他人，他人也不会觉得什么不妥。可是躁郁症或精神分裂症，若告诉他人，他人会顿时感到不自在。自己本身的感觉很敏锐，不确定是否躁郁症病患者都是这样，可以感觉他人口说没事，但是他心里想的是另一回事。

是的，会在意他人的目光，异样的目光，还有同情的目光。很想很想保留那仅有的些许尊严，那一丁点儿几乎已经不存在的尊严。警察们把我押上车，强行带进精神病院时，那尊严被撕毁了。还有因为不守规则，在大马精神病院里犯错时，护士们用绳索把我捆绑在病床上，再次重重践踏了那已粉碎的自尊。无可否认，我们的心灵很脆弱，很害怕被他人拒绝。

接受自己是有精神问题的，这一门自我认知的功课，沾上了许多眼泪。想回到群众，过个正常的生活，必需要有这样的认知。没有这份认知，不只伤害了自己，同时会伤害那些关心你的人。是的，我有精神问题，是个躁郁症病患者。

"7th September 2015"

Need to slow down, taking one step at a time to share with you my stories. Other people advise us not to emphasise on our illness, moreover no one knows our mental health problem if we never say a word about it. Personally, from my point of view, it's true that we should not simply tell anyone about my illness but we should be alert about our illness by ourselves.

Let me get back to my point for today, slow down and take one step at a time. When we are in manic state, we will have racing thoughts and wanna do everything in full speed. Please do remember to slow down. In contrast, when we are in depressed state, we feel fatigue and we are unwilling to move even a step. At this moment, please do remember to take one step at a time. And then, when we are in mixed state, we feel so irritated but no energy at the same time. What to do? Slow down and take one step at a time.

People might say, it's really very easy for anyone to give advice. Anyway, I will not write anything that does not work on me. It's a fact that I'm not an expert in bipolar disorder field. I have spent a long time in reading lots of information about it and trying different kinds of ways to survive. If a method does not work on me, I will not share it. However, please bear in mind that what works on me, it does not mean that it might work on you. I just want to tell you that, hey, this method works on me, do you wanna try it?

Never stop taking your medication, trust someone who cares about you, slow down and take one step at a time. All these are just my general ideas that help me to walk out from the mess. It does seem very simple but it is awfully tough to follow. When you keep taking your medication, you accept you have this mental health issue. By trusting someone, you open your heart to the outside world and stop isolating yourself. After that, slow down and take one step at a time, you are on your journey to get back your life.

No rush, my dear friend, I am moving slowly too. Don't ever lose hope and keep on moving.

《二零一五年九月六日》
严格来说，我患上严重的躁郁症，甚至也跨越进入了精神分裂症的症状里头。如果要叙述那错综复杂的故事，确实可以写一本奇幻小说。但是今天想分享的东西，却恰恰相反。

为何要开启这部落格？其宗旨是想让他人了解躁郁症病患者的内心世界，同时更希望躁郁症病患者能融入人群中。是的，我们很不一样，这世界跟我们非常格格不入，会感到很辛苦也很累继续生活在当中。不难理解，为何有很多同类都选择轻生。朋友，不要放弃，我们真的可以好好活着。

我们脑中的思维，一般人无法了解。抚心自问，我们又是否能全然了解呢？曾经想理清脑袋中的每一则信息，发现全部不相关联的东西，我们都有本事凑成一块。按着世界主流的思想，这些讯息不应该这样排列。话说回来，为什么不可以这样呢？难道我想教导患者继续这样“混乱”吗？不是的！

学习聆听旁人说的话，看看四周人所做的事，并用你的感受去体会他人的心情。外面的事物，比你里面的简单很多很多。了解你花了很多的时间去了解你自己。够了，真的够了！走出你自己的世界，去看看外面的世界。打开你的心，去爱和关怀你身旁的人。

这很奇怪，怎么可以这么做，我们不是弱势的一群，更需要他人的爱和关怀吗？你头脑里的思想，不是更稀奇古怪吗？为何不能接受这挑战呢？难道你不希望过个正常的生活吗？

今天主要想说的，是停止浪费时间去整理你脑袋里永远整理不好的思绪，并走出你的世界去爱与关心你身旁的人。他人不了解你根本不重要，因为你自己也永远无法理解你自己。

"6th September 2015"

What is real? What is unreal? When you were in chaos state, you would have no idea at all. All seemed so real, your senses, your sights, your hearings and also your feelings.

Remember the first time I relapsed, I was struggling hard to get myself back into the reality. I was staying at the Queen's Medical Centre in Nottingham, wandering around in the ward, exactly had no idea where were I. How to wake up? I must wake up, but how?

After a week, I rejected to believe what I saw. The second day, I disbelieved what I heard. And then, I didn't even trust my own feelings. It was like a reset process, everything was too much, and what you needed to do was to turn off all your senses one by one. Amazingly, right after that, I regained my sanity.

According to all the experts, they say we lack of sufficient hormones to stabilise our mood in a range unlike other people in majority. When we were out of the range, our brain does not work in order. This is why we must take our medication to prevent our mood gets out of the range.

How to justify the whole situation? The only answer I can give is, you have to trust someone, at least one person. The person I trust the most is my mentor. He was my lecturer. I was so glad to have the chance to meet him in my life. He asked me to write whatever I wanted to him. Without him, I will not be able to share all these stories with you in English.

The main point I want to share today is, trust someone who cares about you. When you accidentally fall into a chaos state, you need someone to pull you out from it.

《二零一五年九月五日》

很纳闷，不知道为何昨天上载的文章，似乎一个读者都没有，而今天凌晨上载的英文文章还有些许的观众。因为这样，想纯粹用英文，但是心有不甘。

不甘心。是的，不甘心是一种推动力，虽然听起来很负面。躁郁症病患者，想要振作起来的患者，需要学习不甘心。不甘心这一生就这样白活。不甘心因为这病症，就这样放弃了好好生活的希望。

我本人真的非常不甘心。纵然外在的一切，看起来都极其不顺利，但是就是不甘心对现实低头。在这现实的世界里，我们属于弱势的一群，但是切勿甘心因现实低头。跌倒了，站起来。再跌倒了，再站起来。累了，休息片刻。有精神了，再次昂首面对挑战。

大家应该都知道此病有很高很高的自杀死亡率。为什么还活着？因为——不甘心！

"5th September 2015"

Fireflies can lead the way in darkness. I wish to be one of the fireflies, in sharing my personal stories with you, so that you may find a way out.

Am I capable enough to lead the way? Frankly speaking, I have no idea. However, I never give up in looking for solutions to have a better life. It's a miracle that I can survive until today. The truth is, it was not that I am smart enough or strong enough to make it through. It's solely because I still believe that there must be a way.

Dear friend, I went through the craziest moment and did lots of bizarre stuff. I even could hear voices in my head but the voices eventually stopped since the day I created this blog. Just one solid point I wanna bring out today, please don't stop taking your medication on time every day.

Maybe you have thousands of reasons to avoid taking your medication, so do I, but please turn your view from you yourself to the people who love you deeply. To those who are having mental health problems, you may ask, "Why me? How come?" There are lots of questions we might not understand even until the last day on earth. The main thing to solve is, I have this problem, so what should I do to solve it.

Let me repeat, please do not stop taking your medication on time. This is the first step to get yourself out from this mess.

《二零一五年九月四日》

至今，进进出出了精神病院五次，也曾经在精神病院里连续待了两个月。有时候确实会想念在病院里的生活，那个不用想太多与悠悠荡荡的生活。在里头的生活目的很简单，就是要让自己的行为举止正常化，渴望可以尽快离开那地方。

什么是正常？又什么是不正常？这问题到如今依然令我感到困扰。总害怕他人问我：“你好吗？” 因为不知道怎么算好，又怎么才算不好。后来知道这只是客套话，对方并不是真正在乎你好或不好，所以学会微笑回答：“好。” 有时候进入了低潮期，心里沮丧得想哭出来，可是若有人这么问候我，还是会微笑回答对方：“我很好。”

这是在说谎吗？是的，但这是善意的谎言。如果诚实回答对方，说自己感到很难受，这只会让他人感到莫名为难。他人回答的方式，来来去去都是那几句，你是永远无法因着他人任何的答复而感到心情愉快。当心情沮丧的时候，它就像个庞大的黑洞，什么事都无法让你满足，只好静静等待它悄悄离去。

这条路很孤单，你非常盼望身旁的人能够明白你的心，而你也尽了很大的努力让对方了解，可是有一天你会领悟，无论你把它描绘得再恰当不过，旁人都无法了解你。其实旁人明不明白真的无所谓，重要的是，别忘了给自己大大的拥抱。

"4th September 2015"

Who will view my blog? What language should I use? Chinese language is my first language while English is second. I'll try my best to write in two languages so that more people can understand it. As the title mentions, this is a blog by a bipolar disorder guy. I will use this blog as my personal diary. Don't know how long I can sustain in writing this blog as different moods might kick in and change my thoughts. Basically, this is a blog for everyone to know the inner world of a bipolar disorder guy. Welcome to my kingdom --- Puttingham. 

《二零一五年九月三日》

一直想拥有个人的部落格，过了多年，终于开了这部落格。葡鼎木登，是个国度的名称。这个国度，在今天创立。欢迎您来光临我的国度。