2022-11-04

No post for September and October, but there is a post for November eventually. No doubt, a routine lifestyle is terribly boring, and I admit it wholeheartedly, especially working a routine job. However, we need to have a job. A job for us to support ourselves. 

As most of the bipolar disorder people, we cannot handle high stress jobs. Thus, I'm working as a humble low level engineer, taking care for some systems in a company. It's really a suitable job for me because I do not have to deal frequently with people but machines only. Of course, I cannot avoid myself to deal with difficult customers from time to time.  

For my own experience, we should keep our bipolar identity as long as possible. If possible, it's much better that I never tell anyone about it. The main reason should be, once people know about our mental problems, they will look at us differently. The key word should be 'bias'. People should see us as how we truly are without labelling us as "bipolar people" right at the beginning.

Working as an engineer is also quite stressful when all the systems go crazy. The customers could be quite demanding in asking me to solve all the problems as soon as possible. When the stress level explores, I will get into unnecessary quarrels with the customers. Of course,  I always try to avoid quarrels the best I could. 

There was once I broke into a quarrel with a customer, and then I had to tell the customer frankly about my mental problems. Since then, I have no quarrel with the customer anymore. Fortunately, he understands my problems, and stops pushing me so hard since that day.

 

2022-08-30

没有另一半，人生是否不完整？没有女朋友或妻子，我是否变成了不正常的男人？其实自己用了很长的时间，去接受自己有精神疾病，学习包容这伴随一辈子的残疾。

确实没有把心门关上，也不会拒绝有可能发生的新恋情。但事实是，一旦过了四十岁，要找到另一半会变得十分艰难。对于拥有精神疾病的人士们，肯定会难上加难，当然这世上依然存有幸运的个案。无法否认的是，一旦过了某个年龄还未婚，大家都会给予异样的眼光。

怎么去面对这些异样的眼光，还有痛彻心扉的闲言闲语呢？他们的眼光都不重要，他们的言词也不必理会。这世上真正关心你的人不多，我们只要把焦点放在他们身上就够了。至于这些看不起我们的人，只是宇宙的尘埃，一刹那即消逝。必需强调的是，这世上有真正关心你的人，所以我们不可以轻易放弃。

目前学习着好好一个人生活，在不同的人生阶段设下不一样的目标，更少不了一个远大的理想，好让自己生活得有意义。在每一天醒来时，眼睛睁开的时候，充满朝气迎接新的一天！

2022-08-30

After 40 years old, getting a girlfriend or even a wife becomes merely impossible. Although there are quite a number of guys marry after 40 years old, but it's really rare for guys with mental health issues. My parents still yearn that I would quickly get married and have children. As I become older and older, this is just a mission impossible. 

There are people who choose to be single forever, and they value freedom more than everything. Some people believe they would meet their Mr. Right or Miss Right. Thus, without such a person, they would rather to be single. How they know they have met such a person? How they confirm that someone is the one? If they are with someone already, then the real someone appears, would they separate with the initial one and be with the real someone?  Of course, this is their choice, and I shouldn't comment much. 

For myself, I never look for my Miss Right, just someone whom I love and she loves me back, and we could accept one another weaknesses. Of course, I wish I would have children too. If my partner is unable to give birth to children, or I myself have problems in having children, then I would go adopt some children as our own children. However, if I cannot find a wife, then I would not adopt a kid. 

There would be one day, that I must live by myself alone. It's definitely okay to be alone. I'm learning how to have an abundant life without a girlfriend or wife.   

2022-07-27

最近因为参加公司的会议，有机会跟同事们一起飞往曼谷。四天三夜的公司旅行算是过得愉快。一天的自由活动，原本想跟某些同事们一起度过，却无奈察觉当中有几个同事并不欢迎我。那几个同事在里头是担任领袖的角色，所以决定那一天还是自己独自度过。

是自己过于敏感吗？早餐的时候，大家都会坐在一起。当我询问某个位置是否有人坐时，若他们坦然接受我的加入，应该会不假思索简单回答：“坐下吧！” 可是他们在那里思考着这位置会是某某人坐的，那个位置又是另一个某某人坐的。为了不让他们苦恼，我选了另一张较远的桌子，远离了大家。只是这一次吧。我也这样安慰自己。过后在游艇上的晚餐，我和一位同事在一起。那同事一看到他们，即刻前往那里坐了下来，那最后一个位置，仿佛是特地留给他的。在服务员的协助下，寄人篱下似的坐在一群女同事当中。

有个晚上，乘坐泰国独有的Tuk-Tuk，从餐馆回到了酒店。过程中下了豪雨，我跟一位刚认识的女同事一人湿了一半。她很好聊，我们几乎一路不断地聊。她后来还打听我是否单身，是否有女朋友。后来回到了马来西亚，我拿到了她的电话号码。每次我写讯息给她，她总是有回应。或许是因为女子的矜持，她不会贸贸然写东西给我。由于不喜欢拖拖拉拉，当晚告诉了她我的问题。告诉她我患了基因方面的疾病，需要长期服药来控制情绪。这一次后，她没有回应，顿然杳无音讯。

会失望吗？会的。失败了很多很多次。一方面准备可能要单身一辈子，一方面仍然在心里留下个位子给她。

2022-07-27

For these 2 years of pandemic, some people age quickly but some people stay the same. In majority, people do age faster within these 2 years. And also, due to lockout, lots of people have increased their weights. 

What is time? Does time really exist? This can go deeply. For an easy example, two people with the same age, one must be younger than another one. How come time flows slower on him but faster on her? No one can give us a satisfied answer. It does seems time moves differently on all people.

In this world, we may observe the physical parts. Everything which can be seen, heard, smelt, tasted and sensed. However, we should never forget there is another part inside us. The part we may simply ignore but actually it's more important than the physical world. Please do not get me wrong, I never mean the spiritual world. 

What do I mean is the world inside of us, the world formed in us and affects how we see the world. Either a glass is half full or half empty is defined by the world inside us. Yes, I'm talking about perspective. Of course, we should never give up in shaping a better world. When we feel tired, and want to rest for a while, then we must have a much better internal world. 

In a fast moving external world, we may keep on chasing, always reach higher and higher. There must be time that we want to slow down or totally stop for a while. During such a moment, we may rest without feeling guilty. 

Does this relevant to bipolar disorder? Yes, it is. As for me, I did feel guilty whenever I must take a rest. Bipolar disorder people are hardworking people who never want to stop. 

2022-06-30

生活难免会遇见许多困难，一大堆解决不完的问题，仿佛怎么尽力都做不好的事。很沮丧，很无奈，也很无助。

想要有人帮助，但似乎没有人可以帮忙。在人生的道路上，总需要由自己去面对。无论怎么不愿意，还是要自己独自去面对。可是，真的没有法子，该怎么办？

我常常都陷入困境里，很多很多绞尽脑汁都无法胜任的事物。不断告诉自己，尽力就好，尽了力就好。若最终失败了，告诉自己，“你已经尽力了。”

重要的是，生活没有遗憾。既然尽了全力，纵然满盘皆输，却没有白活。

2022-06-28

It's time to write a blog for this. It's really tiring to work and study at the same time. Of course, I prefer study than work, but I need to work for surviving. Thus, working full-time and studying part-time is my only choice. 

Hardworking can always make things better. However, it can never bring me towards perfect. I may exercise regularly, eat healthily, study the best I could, but all these will never make me a perfect guy. Used to be a perfectionist till I'd diagnosed of having such a mental illness. Tried to deny such a fact, and assumed I was totally fine without medication. After that, I experienced more damages. 

Hence, it's a definite no for being a perfectionist. But hey, life is much better without striving for perfection! How come? Perfection is a high standard, and no one knows how high it can go. We could never reach it because no matter how good we have done, we would think that we could do it slightly better. That's too pathetic. 

Without perfection, I just stop doing something when feeling that I want to take a break. While reading, simply lie down and rest when the head is going numb. Keep reminding myself that I can never understand every single thing. In fact, try to understand as much as possible. Whatever the results, accept it without self cricticising.  

Yes, we have done our best, and it's really more than enough. Even if we never really try our best, as long as we have tried, all the little efforts are still precious.